Folks - Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us

by Shirley

IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO???

 

SUPERSEX  
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________

ROMANCE  
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________

DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all 

kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few     

times a week to play cards.

 

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

 

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"

_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING 
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!"

 

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

_____________________________________

DRIVING 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major cross road. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.

 

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

 

At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

 

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

~ Party Rock Anthem ~

by Tina~in_ut

My boys blast their iPods when they're in the shower. I have no idea why both of them only play this song (and no nasty comments from the peanut gallery!), but I've started to enjoy this. Catchy little beat~ :D

Numen Clock

by Dianne

This is extremely clever and it does actually work, in BOTH formats!!!!
And it's actually on YOUR correct time.

This human clock is fantastic. It really blew my mind. Try it and be awed! 

Click Here for Numen Clock

.Click anywhere in the clock and it becomes digital, another click and it returns to normal. 

(lol.....I'm not sure if the link works or not, so here is the web address: http://lovedbdb.com/nudemenClock/index2.html  ) 

Redneck Engineering At It's Best!

by Zona

Inheritance?!!

by Michael

A dying granny tells her granddaughter... 

 

"I want to leave you my farm.  That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash."

 

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says ..."oh my, granny!  You are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm.  Where is it?"

 

 

With her last breath, her granny whispered,

 "Facebook"

~ Tribute to a Man who DID make a Difference ~

by Tina~in_ut

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100

' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring . the
referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business
is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents
and entertained only six.'


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have
the strength of character to fight it.'


ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother.'


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd
hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

The Land That Made Me, Me

by Sac Barb

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!!  Growing up in the Fifties was so different than how kids grow up today.  The simplicity of it all was the best.  I'm sure in 20 or 30 years from now there will be another version about how good it was growing up in the 80's or 90's.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, 

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. 
 

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

   
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

  

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

 

 And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
 

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.