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Saturday, September 14, 2013

The IRS Decides To Audit Grandpa


by Dianne

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.


The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
 
 
“I'm a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.  “How about a demonstration?”


The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay.  Go ahead.”

 
Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
 

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It's a bet.”

  
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.  The auditor's jaw drops.


Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”


Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.


Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.


The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand and with Grandpa's attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.
 

“Want to go double or nothing?”  Grandpa says, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
  

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

 

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.


The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.


But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.


“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.


“Not really,” says the attorney.  “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

 

I keep telling you!  Don't Mess with Old People!!

36 comments:

Just_Lin said...

Mornin', HOoters!

Dianne He! Good one! Didn't see that coming.

Just_Lin said...

Slan You were my best friend and I miss you every day. There are so many things I wish I could talk to you about but I guess you know that. Whenever my land-line rings, I still half expect it to be you. Hey, I have been getting a lot of sales calls, again, that I don't answer. Maybe that is you playing a trick on me. It would be just like you to do that. Anyway, I know that shortly after you reunited with your father and mother, you would have gone straight over by the Rainbow Bridge and found all your beloved pets and made sure to give attention to all of mine, too, just because that's the type of loving person you are. I love you, Lani. RIP

Mary/MI said...

JL,your words about Lani were so sweet!

Dianne, that was hilarious!

Kind of a boring day today. The most exciting thing I did was get gross-eries!

Tomorrow I am going to my Chrysler retirees picnic. I worked 11 yrs there before going to General Motors. I only see some of them once a year. Sadly they are thinning out, as many of them were elders even back then (1973-1984).
Every time I go one or more are missing. :(

On a lighter note, my hubby won over $2000 at the Casino! He called when he won the first Jackpot, 4 minutes later he called and said he won again, on the same machine.

Time to check into FB......;


Just_Lin said...

Mary Today was the celebration of life service for Lani. It was very, very nice. I was doing the ugly cry half of the time, though.

I think my eyes are tired from crying. I thought you wrote that the most exciting thing you did was get cross-eyed. LMAO!

Congrats on your hubby's jackpots. Was it a dollar machine?

Just_Lin said...

Leaving for southern California in the morning. 5 a.m. sure comes early.

Jodi said...

Merrrrrrrnin' HOoters!!

Jodi said...

SLIN - You are glorious at first! What wonderful words for your friend SLANI ♥ She was always there for me and during the years that Sam was still in orchestra, she often called to check on and encourage her, too! I will miss her laugh, kind words, and loving spirit ♥

Jodi said...

DIANNE - What a smart old coot!!! I literally snorted my coffee ;)

Jodi said...

MARY - Maybe he can buy his own chair then ;)

Jodi said...

SLIN - Enjoy your trip. Love u lady!!

Jodi said...

Best get prettied up for work!!

Just_Lin said...

At the airport. Hope you all have a good day.

HOdi. <3

Just_Lin said...

At the airport. Hope you all have a good day.

HOdi. <3

Just_Lin said...

At the airport. Hope you all have a good day.

HOdi. <3

Just_Lin said...

At the airport. Hope you all have a good day.

HOdi. <3

Mary/MI said...

Hey JL, are you at the airport yet?

My Det Lions lost :( but Dianne's team won!OK, who didn't shake their tassels for me?

It sure was chilly today! This is the first time I have worn long jeans since spring! No sandals either1 Bur-r-r-r-r!

Hodi, thanks for suggesting that Jim buy his own chair. I will tell him you said so lol!!

Dianne hooray for your Broncs!!!

Dianne/Denver said...

Mary....I don't have any Lions tassels!!! Make me some. I too have the same question forJ l. ..r u ever going to get to the airport? Lol

Yea Broncos and Packers!!!! Good games

Watching Miss America. You all know how I love this show.

Went to a Bronco party today..a small one but fun.

It's still raining and flooding. It's just been such a destructive weekend.

Barb, are you making cards today?

Darn, I miss the old Miss America song.

sacBarb said...

Hello HOoters.

Dianne, I was making cards all day yesterday. Didn't get home til 7:30pm. I was so tired I ate dinner and went to bed.

sacBarb said...

So today is Chad's birthday and he got the scrapbook yesterday. Yayyyyyyy!!! I talked to him today and he said its "freaking awesome" so I guess he likes it. I'm just happy it finally got to him.

sacBarb said...

J/L, I guess you got to the airport, so you must be in SoCal by now. Have a good time with your bro.

sacBarb said...

Dianne2, How come you are happy when everyone's team wins but mine?

sacBarb said...

Mary, Jim (Mr. Moneybags) should not only buy his own chair, but he should buy you one too.

sacBarb said...

Jodi, LOL @ snorting coffee.

Jodi said...

MARY - Sorry about the Lions, had all I could do shaking it for the Packers!! I hate that we are heading into jeans season. Don't get me wrong, I love fall, but trying to hang onto the last of shorts and sandals season ♥

Jodi said...

SLIN - ♥ u back lady!! I hope your flight was a good one and you are all settled in with your brother!

Jodi said...

DIANNE - Congrats to our Broncos!! Woot woot!! I think they can turn the rain off by u....ANYTIME!!!

Jodi said...

BARB - Glad your boy got his "freaking awesome" album!! What kind of cards did you and the girls make on Saturday? You always do such good work :D

Just_Lin said...

It's freakin' hot here. It was 98 yesterday and will be about the same today. I can't believe I used to live here.

It is a pain to type on this little phone, even with a stylus, but I will try to check in every day.

Barb - I'm so glad Chad received his gift. I knew he would love it. It was very thoughtful.

Just_Lin said...

It's freakin' hot here. It was 98 yesterday and will be about the same today. I can't believe I used to live here.

It is a pain to type on this little phone, even with a stylus, but I will try to check in every day.

Barb - I'm so glad Chad received his gift. I knew he would love it. It was very thoughtful.

Mary/MI said...

Justlin, sorry about your phone and its stuttering lol! Glad you made it, keep cool and keep checking in :)

Dianne, Can you tell me anything about so many people missing in CO. Is it due to being stranded and no communication, or possible deaths? I can't believe there was so much destruction!

Jodi,sigh, it will be a long season for the Lions I fear! Keep those tassels going, at least until we play your team lol!!

Barb yay! So glad he got his album on time!! I sure would have liked a "peek" at it!

Jodi said...

SLIN - All the better to enjoy a cold beer!! Thanks for checking in :D

Jodi said...

MARY - lol @ SLIN'S stuttering phone!! And of course I'll keep the tassels twirling ;)

Just_Lin said...

Sorry about my stuttering phone. It must getting back at me for talking bad about it.

Dianne/Denver said...

Damn it....typed a long post and lost it. Gripes me.

Mary, many of the missing are still stranded and haven't been able to check in. We have right deaths so far. The destruction is horrible. There are so many sad and scary stories. We had so many suburbs lose homes to fire in may and now floods. These are 100 year and 500 year floods. They are having to helicopter people out of the areas and their pets too. Very tragic we were lucky to not get all he rain other areas did ...our basement pump is going off like crazy though. My aunt and uncle live in Greeley and can't use water for anything and can't flush forat least ten days the city is putting porta potties on street corners. Terrible.

Barb, I'm glad your package arrived timely this time through. I'll bet your son loved it.

JL....too hot there for me. Been there done that right here a couple of weeks ago. We've been breaking records with heat and rain. The weather Gods have gone crazy. Have a good visit with your brother.

Jodi, do you have Detroit tassels? I'm running short on those.

Did I tell you all how much Christmas shopping I've already done? A lot on line and a littleon vacation. I'm ahead of schedule. Too bad I don't wrap it but I won't ..hate to wrap.

I have a busy day tomorrow. Crack of dawn dr appt at 10:45, volunteer visit, eye dr and then take my granddaughter to our weekly dinner. I go to court Wednesday for my careless driving accident. Stupid

Ok heading of to dreamland.


Jodi said...

DIANNE - I just happened to have an extra pair. CATCH!!! Sleep well....lol @ 10:45am being your crack of dawn ;)

Jodi said...

SLIN - Phone Karma ;) Ha!!!