Friday, June 30, 2017

At the Dinner Table

by Dianne

A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions.”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s, and 50s, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes. The tree is dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Monday, June 26, 2017

Norwegian Wedding

by Dianne

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.   As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay.  
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and to keep it straight. It should be okay next week,  but leave it on dere as long as you can."
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.  
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .  
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her  beautiful, untouched breasts.
She said: "'re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:  “Look at dis, Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"