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Monday, August 14, 2017

Wise Old Man

by Dianne

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
 
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
 
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” he kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
 
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
 
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
 
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
 
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”
 
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Visit to the jewelry store

by Dianne

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  
 
    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' 
   
    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
   
    The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account. 
   
    ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
 
 
Moral of the story: Not All Seniors Are Senile

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Alan and Bill

by Dianne

Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. 
 
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around.  In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.  The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. 
I promise that it won't happen again.  Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.  
 
 Regards, Alan.


Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor Alan dead
 
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. 

He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
 
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
 
Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again.  Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.  I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ to  Wife’.
 
Technology hey?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that.   
 
 Regards, Alan.

Friday, July 21, 2017

THE STORY EVERY ONE IS AWAITING TO HEAR

by Dianne


A Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight from London to the US.
 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
 
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a cocktail. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Irish Catholic then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice."

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Married for 50 Years

by Dianne


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.”
 
“Now, I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
Aren’t older women great?
 
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I've Found Religion!

by Dianne

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Catholic  Dog

Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor  creature?'

Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal  in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no  tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet  Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

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   Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

------------------------------------------------------------
   Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.

'90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

------------------------------------------------------------    Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet. 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.
  
'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
   ------------------------------------------------------------

   Stress  Reliever

Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------------------------------------
 Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman  replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

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Husbands Are Husbands


A  man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head  with a frying pan.
  

 'What  was that for?' the man asked.
  

The  wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
  

 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Betty  was the name of the horse I bet on.'
  

 The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
  

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.
  

  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

  Wife  replied, 'Your horse phoned!'

Friday, June 30, 2017

At the Dinner Table

by Dianne


A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
 
The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions.”
 
“Onions?”
 
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?”
 
The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s, and 50s, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
 
“A Christmas tree?”
 
“Yes. The tree is dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Monday, June 26, 2017

Norwegian Wedding

by Dianne

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
 
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.   As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
 
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay.  
 
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and to keep it straight. It should be okay next week,  but leave it on dere as long as you can."
 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.  
 
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .  
 
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her  beautiful, untouched breasts.
   
She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
 
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:  “Look at dis, Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"

Monday, May 1, 2017

Financial Planning.....


by Dianne

 Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working 
 in the family business.

 When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
 sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with
 whom to share his fortune. 

 One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
 beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took
 his breath away. 

 "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, 
 "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million. 
 Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. 
 Three months later, she became his stepmother.


 Women are so much better at financial planning than men........

Monday, April 24, 2017

The Ostrich


by Dianne

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." 

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 

"The usual?" Asks the waitress. 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.   

"Same," says the ostrich. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."   

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there." 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 

"That's right. Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Squirrels


by Dianne


There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a  Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery  and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Monday, April 3, 2017

English Lesson of the Day


by Dianne

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, 
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.