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Monday, May 1, 2017

Financial Planning.....


by Dianne

 Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working 
 in the family business.

 When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his
 sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with
 whom to share his fortune. 

 One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most
 beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took
 his breath away. 

 "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, 
 "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million. 
 Impressed, the woman asked for his business card. 
 Three months later, she became his stepmother.


 Women are so much better at financial planning than men........

Monday, April 24, 2017

The Ostrich


by Dianne

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to The ostrich, "What's yours?" 

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich. 

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please" 

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man Says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." 

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." 

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. 

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 

"The usual?" Asks the waitress. 

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.   

"Same," says the ostrich. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."   

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and Places it on the table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" 

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and Found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered Me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money Would always be there." 

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" 

"That's right. Whether it's a liter of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. 

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?" 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Squirrels


by Dianne


There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a  Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels. The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels.  After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn’t interfere with God’s divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery  and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God’s creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide. But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter. Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven’t seen a squirrel since.

Monday, April 3, 2017

English Lesson of the Day


by Dianne

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, 
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.

Friday, February 24, 2017

Getting Older


by Dianne

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 

'Sure.'
 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 

'No, I can remember it.'
 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 
'Because she can still drive!'
   
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 
 

Monday, January 9, 2017

Deaf Italian Bookkeeper


by Dianne

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,  has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
 
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
 
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
 
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 
 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
 
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
 
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
 
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
 
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
           Don't you just love lawyers?