Saturday, May 11, 2013


by Dianne

When you have to visit a public restroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern "seat  covers"(invented by someone's Mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one but there isn't -
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down  your pants, and assume " The Stance."
In this position your aging, toneless 
(God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.  
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to  clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"   
Your thighs shake more. 
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse 
(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).  That will have to do.  You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.  It's still smaller than your thumbnail. 
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. 
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck
in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank
of the toilet. 
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach
for the door, dropping your precious, 
tiny , crumpled tissue in a puddle on the  floor, lose your footing altogether, and  slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .
It is wet of course 
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late .  Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid  down toilet paper not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. 
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,  you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,  frankly, dear "You just don't KNOW 
what kind of diseases you could get."   
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of  the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt, runs down your legs and into your shoes. 
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. 
At this point, you give up.  You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. 
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. 
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. 
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel, and walk past the line of women still waiting. 
You are no longer able to smile politely to any of them. 
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. 
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??)  You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand, and tell her warmly, 
"Here, you just might need this," 
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. 
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging  around your neck?" ................  
This is dedicated to women everywhere,  who deal with public restrooms.  
(Rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!) 
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It, also, answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.  It's so that the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door! 

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Old Testament Computing....

by Dianne

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the 
Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Cell Phones

by Dianne

This is from a fellow who visited a
church in Burbank , CA , where they
actually showed this video on how
they handle cell phones in church.

Monday, May 6, 2013


by Dianne

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: 
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. 
If you are laughing, send me your smile. 
If you are eating, send me a bite. 
If you are drinking send me a sip. 
If you are crying, send me your tears. 
I love you!"

The husband, typically nonromantic, replied, 
"I am on the toilet. Please advise."