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Monday, December 31, 2012

Christmas Dinner Invitation

by Dianne

Dear Family,
 
Re: Christmas Dinner


I'm not dead yet. Christmas is still important to me. If being in my
Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider
being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.  Not 2:15.  Not 2:05.  Two!!!   Arrive late and you get
what's leftover.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the porch off the house. This
year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the scoop
of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at
someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.
Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date
them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have
decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things.
Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but
I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.


House Rules:

1.    The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter
bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing
the first two. Parents can re- fill a child's cup when it is empty.
All of the cups will have names on them and I'll be paying close
attention to refills.

2.    Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if  your Jell-O salad
comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with
the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You've never been a good
cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy
something from the bakery.

3.    Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a
fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home,
they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

4.    Salad at Thanksgiving or Christmas is a waste of space. I cook
with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a
vegetarian doesn't change the fact that dressing without grease is
like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a
little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating
bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me.
I've outlived almost everyone I know.

5.    I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.  I do not like
video cameras. There will be 32 people here, and  I am sure you can
capture lots of memories without the camera being pointed at me.

6.    Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids.  I have nice things and I don't put them away just because
company is coming. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

7.    Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has
lived too many lives. I  think that you staying home to care for your
cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives
too.  I can live with that. Can you?

8.    Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't
need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if
I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.
Really. This doesn't have to be difficult.

9.    Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's
true now that you have kids.

10.  The election is over so I'll watch what I say and you will do the
same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll
still have a good time but it will be at your expense.


     Merry Christmas,

     Mama

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Old Chinese Proverb

by Sac Barb

Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find
the book for which you search, you are obviously in the.....
 

No, no. No need to thank me. 

Thursday, December 27, 2012

~ Little Harold ~

by Tina~in_ut


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Harold stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Harold?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  

Harold watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Harold 'Giving up?'


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Harold quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!' 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Harold's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Harold asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Little Harold attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Harold asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Harold, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Your Duck is Dead

by Dianne

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary Surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the Vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Trees

by Sac Barb

The  Capitol Christmas tree in Washington, D.C., is decorated with 3,000 ornaments that are the handiwork of U.S. schoolchildren. Encircling evergreens in the 'Pathway of Peace'  represent the 50 U.S. states.

The world's largest Christmas tree display rises up the slopes of Monte Ingino outside of Gubbio, in Italy 's Umbria region. Composed of about 500 lights connected by 40,000 feet of wire, the 'tree' is a modern marvel for an ancient city

A Christmas tree befitting Tokyo 's nighttime neon display is projected onto the exterior of the Grand Prince Hotel Akasaka.

Illuminating the Gothic facades of Prague's Old Town Square, and casting its glow over the manger display of the famous Christmas market, is a grand tree cut in the Sumava mountains in the southern Czech Republic.
Venice 's Murano Island renowned throughout the world for its quality glass work is home to the tallest glass tree in the world. Sculpted by master glass blower Simone Cenedese, the artistic Christmas tree is a modern reflection of the holiday season.
Moscow celebrates Christmas according to the Russian Orthodox calendar on Jan. 7. For weeks beforehand, the city is alive with festivities in anticipation of Father Frost's arrival on his magical troika with the Snow Maiden. He and his helper deliver gifts under the New Year tree, or yolka, which is traditionally a fir.

The largest Christmas tree in Europe (more than 230 feet tall) can be found in the Praca do Comercio in Lisbon, Portugal. Thousands of lights adorn the tree, adding to the special enchantment of the city during the holiday season.
'Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree': Even in its humblest attire, aglow beside a tiny chapel in Germany 's Karwendel mountains, a Christmas tree is a wondrous sight.

Ooh la la Galeries Lafayette! In Paris, even the Christmas trees are chic. With its monumental, baroque dome, plus 10 stories of lights and high fashion, it's no surprise this show-stopping department store draws more visitors than the Louvre and the Eiffel Tower

In addition to the Vatican's heavenly evergreen, St. Peter's Square in Rome hosts a larger-than-life nativity scene in front of the obelisk.

The Christmas tree that greets revelers at the Puerta del Sol is dressed for a party. Madrid 's two-week celebration makes millionaires along with merrymakers. On Dec. 22, a lucky citizen will win El Gordo (the fat one), the world's biggest lottery.

A token of gratitude for Britain 's aid during World War II, the Christmas tree in London 's Trafalgar Square has been the annual gift of the people of Norway since 1947.

Drink a glass of gluhwein from the holiday market at the Romer, Frankfurt's city hall since 1405 and enjoy a taste of Christmas past.

Against a backdrop of tall, shadowy firs, a rainbow trio of Christmas trees lights up the night (location unknown).

The Twelve Days of Christmas
Author Unknown

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

This week, I found out. 

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ. 
  
-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments. 

-Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
   
-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. 

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament. 

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation. 

-Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness,
 Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish.'



CHRISTMAS  AT ARLINGTON CEMETERY

Arlington  National Cemetery

Rest easy, sleep well my brothers.

Know  the line has held, your job is done.

Rest  easy, sleep well.

Others  have taken up where you fell, the line has held.

Peace,  peace, and farewell...  




You may be interested to know that these wreaths -- some 5,000 -- are donated by the Worcester Wreath Co. of Harrington, Maine. The owner, Merrill Worcester, not only provides the wreaths, but covers the trucking expense as well. He's done this since 1992. A wonderful guy. Also, most years, groups of Maine school kids combine an educational trip to DC with this event to help out. Making this even more remarkable is the fact that Harrington is in one of the  poorest parts of the state.




















Friday, December 21, 2012

Cletus & Billy Bob


by Dianne


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"


"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."



 

(Don't make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Timmy's List For Santa

by Sac Barb




        Dear Santa,

        How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
        reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy
        this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4
        for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

        Merry Christmas,

        Timmy Jones

        * *



        Dear Timmy,

        Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the
        elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little
        worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa
        wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll
        bring you something you can go outside and play with.



        *Merry Christmas,*

        Santa Claus

        * *



        Mr. Claus,

        Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice"
        contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see
        your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want
        to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think
        that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
        year is a bit trite?

        Respectfully,

        Tim Jones

        * *



        Mr. Jones,

        While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
        need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and
        in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue
        legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my
        attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger
        incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally,
        the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also
        improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks
        like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

        Very Truly Yours,

        S Claus

        * *



        Now look here Fat Man,

        I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
        attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks
        and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to
        tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I'm taking
        my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I
        WANT, MAN!

        T-Bone

        * *



        Listen Pizza Face,

        Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house
        in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger
        wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound
        familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my
        disposal. I got you wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to
        hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your
        Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not
        getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a
        mud hole in your *** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

        S Clizzy

        * *



        Dear Santa,

        Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

        Timmy

        * *



        Timmy,

        That's what I thought you little twerp.

        Santa

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

God Has a Sense of Humor......

by Michael

It was July and I had nothing to post on the blog for the next day. I was talking to Michael on the phone and he was going thru his "stuff" trying to find something for me. He came upon this and read it to me. I laughed because only he could make this funny. I told him to send it to me and I'd post it in December. Then I prayed he'd still be with us. He's not here physically, but I know he's with us in spirit~ 



Well God certainly had a sense of humor….sending Joseph and Mary into JRS….losing their luggage…and where the only way to get to Bethlehem was by renting a donkey….. and the only one available was so broken down it could only carry one….making Mary have to walk because  of Joseph’s club foot……yeah…that’s a little known fact.
Only to arrive and find their hotel reservation botched so that they had to stay in a barn with farm animals!

And then to top it all off only 3 people show up for the baby shower…..late…..so Mary is having to open gifts and put on her happy face after walking all the way from JRS…having her luggage lost and having to stay in a barn……pretty remarkable woman I’d say.

Mary: oh look Joe……frankincense…..ya know…I was just saying to Joe the other day that we needed to pick up some of this! We are completely out!

Joe: that’s right honey…you did say that! Thanks King Caspar !

Mary: oh and what have we here? MYRRH!!! Well you certainly can’t have enough of this around with a new baby!!

Joe: that’s for sure! Thanks King Melchior!

At this point Mary is becoming a little disgruntled at the selection of gifts…..I mean…not a single “Swaddle”™ or anything else baby related!!

But King Balthasar still hadn’t handed over his gift……and when he did and Mary opened it and saw that it was just a lump of gold….that did it!

OK! Party’s over! Get out! I don’t care if you traversed field and fountain, moor and 100 friggin  mountains! Get out! And don’t leave the way you came……my luck you will tip off that fucker King Herod!

I am tired, I am dirty, and if you hadn’t noticed….Jesus is crowning!!

Thanks for coming……nice seeing you…….buh-bye!!!!!!!

Mary: Joseph!!!!!

Joseph: yes dear?

Mary: get away from that goat and Rub my feet!!!!!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Funny Dad

by Lynn D

I am in need of cheering up and lately this is my go to when I want to laugh.

This guy IS the Worlds Best Father! :)

Monday, December 17, 2012

The Female Dentist

by Dianne


A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.

She pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot. 

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man says: 

"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objections to taking a pill. 

"No objection," he says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gives him a couple of pills. 

He swallows them. "What are they?" he says.

"Viagra," says the dentist.

"Damn," the patient says, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
 
"It doesn't" said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

Saturday, December 15, 2012

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

by Sac Barb

The day finally arrived..  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.   
 

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. 

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you.   We have heard a lot about you.  I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' 

Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir.  But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.  I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' 

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. 

 
 
First: 
What two days of the week begin with the letter T? 

 
 
Second: 
How many seconds are there in a year? 

 
 
Third: 
What is God's first name?' 

Forrest leaves to think the questions
over.  He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' 

Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.  That would be Today and Tomorrow.' 

The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.  How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. 

'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' 

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds 
in a year?' 

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.... ' 

'Hold it,' interrupts St.
Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,   though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name'? 

'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'it's Andy.' 

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter. 

'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' 

'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied.  'I learnt it from the song, ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'