How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy
this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4
for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the
elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little
worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa
wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll
bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice"
contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see
your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want
to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think
that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a
year is a bit trite?
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and
in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue
legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my
attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger
incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally,
the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also
improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks
like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks
and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to
tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I'm taking
my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house
in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger
wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound
familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my
disposal. I got you wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to
hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your
Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not
getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a
mud hole in your *** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
That's what I thought you little twerp.