Thursday, March 26, 2015

Advice From a Retired Husband

by Dianne

This is why I don't play golf!!!!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get
a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf
club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit
that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even
three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use
a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum, shortly after this
message "went viral." The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His
wife Carol was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took
only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron,
somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club. 

This is quite similar to those Roman generals who always seem to be falling on their own swords.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Children in Church

by Dianne

A little boy was attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked him,
"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."  

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."  

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane.
She asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Baptist White Lie Cake

by Sac Barb

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, AL, but forgot it until the last minute.

She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat, the cake was disfigured !

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another one!"

Being inventive, she looked for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions: be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30, buy the cake and bring it home!

But when the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified! beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be talked about, ridiculed!

All night Alice tossed in bed thinking about the "toilet paper" cake! People talking about the cake! And about her!

The next morning Alice tried to put the cake out of her mind, just attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member, try to have a good time.

She really did not want to attend..the hostess was a church snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice, a single parent, NOT from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But.. she had already RSVP'd, and couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

The blood drained from her body when she saw IT: the "toilet paper" cake! No!

She rose up out of her chair to tell the hostess, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife remarked, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, stunned, dropped back in her chair, as she heard the hostess (a prominent church lady) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled. The blood began to return to her body. And a thought  crept into her mind:

"God is good"