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Thursday, September 29, 2011

~ Yoga vs Drinking ~

by Tina~in_ut

Research confirms that drinking gives you the same benefits yoga does ! 
 
Savasana
Position of total relaxation. 
 
Balasana
Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.   
 
 
Setu Bandha Sarvangasana
This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.

Marjayasana
Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column. 

Halasana
Excellent for back pain and insomnia. 

Dolphin
Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs, and arms.  
 

Salambhasana
Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
 

Ananda Balasana
This position is great for massaging the hip area.

Malasana
This position, for ankles and back muscles.  
 
 
 

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Clean Humor

by Dianne

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went to the  receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'  

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.  Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.  
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,  
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'  

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.  Carolyn shrugged.  'In ten years, you'll be too old to do all those things  anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children..  
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her  needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.  'Lizzie,' scolded her mother,  'that's  
not polite behavior.'  With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank  you!  No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but  
how do they get there in the first place?'  After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to  make up something, Dad.  It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.  'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him.  'I'm going to Iraq .'  'Why?'  he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going  
on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and  is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.  A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'  Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'  An eight-year-old girl perked up.  'How long was he missing?'

*****

... and my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:  

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a  
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of  lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's  there."  

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

WalMart Greeter

by Zona

Jennifer, a manager at Wal-Mart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
  

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Laugh for the Day

by Shirley

A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS. The clerk asks him for his identification but he forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt." The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned it anyway. The clerk says, "OK you're approved. The white hairs on your chest is enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience. The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too!"
****************************
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
****************************
A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. "You all have obsessions,". To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving... LOL

Sunday, September 25, 2011

~ Affirmation ~

by Tina~in_ut



You can blame my daughter for this!~  I was driving her home from school and one of Savage Garden's songs came on.  She said she didn't like them and I couldn't believe it. I guess when they were little, I played this song over and over and over again. So......hell.....what's one more time~ I love the lyrics~ :D

I believe the sun should never set upon an argument
I believe we place our happiness in other people's hands
I believe that junk food tastes so good because it's bad for you
I believe your parents did the best job they knew how to do
I believe that beauty magazines promote low self esteem
I believe I'm loved when I'm completely by myself alone

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe you can't control or choose your sexuality
I believe that trust is more important than monogamy
I believe your most attractive features are your heart and soul
I believe that family is worth more than money or gold
I believe the struggle for financial freedom is unfair
I believe the only ones who disagree are millionaires

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye

I believe forgiveness is the key to your unhappiness
I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed
I believe that God does not endorse tv evangelists
I believe in love surviving death into eternity

I believe in Karma what you give is what you get returned
I believe you can't appreciate real love 'til you've been burned
I believe the grass is no more greener on the other side
I believe you don't know what you've got until you say goodbye(Repeat 2)
Until you say goodbye
Oh no no no no no ( Repeats itself many times fading)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

A Prayer For Grandpa

by Dianne

This is just too beautiful not to share . . 



"Dear God, this year please send clothes
for all those poor ladies on Grandpa's computer,  Amen."

Friday, September 23, 2011

One for the Ladies........

by Zona


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, '
University of Oklahoma .'

And they say blondes are dumb.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A couple is lying in bed.


The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'


The woman replies,
'I'll miss you.'


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'


'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?


A: A rumor

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Lord,
I  pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive  him;
And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Q:  Why do little boys whine?


A: They are practicing to be men.

 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?


A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough!


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?


A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction  Manual.'

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Rodney James Alcala

by Michael



Rodney James Alcala is a convicted rapist and serial killer. He was sentenced to death in California in 2010 for five murders committed in that state between 1977 and 1979, and is currently under indictment for two additional homicides in New York. He is thought to be responsible for other violent crimes as well. Alcala is also notable for exceptional demonstrations of cruelty: prosecutors say he "toyed" with his victims, strangling them until they lost consciousness, then waiting until they revived, sometimes repeating this process several times before finally killing them.

He is sometimes labeled the "Dating Game Killer" because of his 1978 appearance on the American television show The Dating Game in the very midst of his murder spree.

In 1978, Alcala...who had by then already killed at least two women in California, and probably two others in New York... was accepted as a contestant on The Dating Game, despite his status as a convicted rapist and registered sex offender. Host Jim Lange introduced him as "...a successful photographer who got his start when his father found him in the darkroom at the age of 13, fully developed. Between takes you might find him skydiving or motorcycling." He won a date with "bachelorette" Cheryl Bradshaw, who subsequently refused to go out with him, according to published reports, because she found him "creepy". Jed Mills, an actor who sat next to Alcala onstage as "Bachelor #2", later described him as a "very strange guy" with "bizarre opinions". (The third contestant, Armand Chiami, has not publicly commented.)

What do you think about this? My thing is that the Dating Game had him on......in spite of his record....and that he said "night time" was his favorite time...

...of course, everyone knows that's the best time to use a pick axe on someone and dump the body....or to roll a hooker up in a rug after kicking in her sternum......

yes Cheryl.......you'll be whisked away for your date and your shallow grave in sunny St. Barts!!!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The Why's of Men

by Zona

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER  DURING SEX? 
(because they are plugged into a genius)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? 

(they don't have enough time)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? 

(they don't stop to ask directions)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? 

(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? 

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? 

(don't know.....it never happened)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart. Then you are just an old sour fart
!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Brain Teasers

by Dianne


1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April.
The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?


2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?


3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?


4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?


5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?


6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?


7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?


8. What was the President's Name in 1975?


9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in second place, what place would you be in now?


10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?


11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another
field?

The answers will be posted later today! 

Answers:
The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the
world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
Why not?

8. What was the President's Name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in second place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another
field?


Here are the answers:

1. Johnny of course

2. Meat.

3. Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet.

4. There is no dirt in a hole.

5. Incorrectly

6. Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera (or a cell phone) to take pictures.

8. Same as is it now - Rick Perry

9. You would be in second.. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow

11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

For Dianne

by Jodi


The following video is for Dianne.  I know how much she loves The Wizard of Oz.  I found this rendition of Somewhere Over the Rainbow on YouTube and immediately thought of her!!  The corps is The Cavaliers from Rosemont, IL.  They are the other all male corps still in existence.  I tear up every time I listen to this;  it almost sounds like a hymn.  Enjoy ♥


Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Magician

by Zona

A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same show over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... and then 2 days. And then 3 days. 
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...

"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Haircut

by Zona

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked
about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you,
I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left
the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there
was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The
next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and
left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

"Tenjooberrymuds"

by Dianne


Don't worry about the Subject "Tenjooberrymuds" will make sense after you read the following. 

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language, so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.
My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand my doctors and the person that answers the phone when I have a warranty problem
.
Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line
.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... 
In order to continue getting by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW language!  You can practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'....   Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you! Thank you very much, oh brother!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bubba's Resume

by Sac Barb

This is an example of the many applications for employment that I received for vacancies advertised on our web site.  I thought you all would find it interesting.  As the Human Resources Manager it was my responsibility to respond to the applicants.  I have also included my response to this applicant.    
 

My Resimay 
   To hoom it
mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job
what I saw in the paper.

 
 I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a
counting. 

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all
the ladies. 

I no my spelling is not too good but find that I Offen can get a
job wit my persinalety.  
   
My
salerery is open so we kin discus wat you
want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth, 

I kin start emeditely.
 Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser. 

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS:
Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a
pickture of me.




 
Employer's
response:

 
Dear
Bubba:
It's OK Honey.. We've got spell
check.
See you
Monday
 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Folks - Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us

by Shirley


IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO???
 
SUPERSEX  
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE  
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all 
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few     
times a week to play cards.
 
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING 
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!"
 
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major cross road. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
 
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
 
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
 
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"