Pages

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Clean Humor

by Dianne

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went to the  receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.  Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel.  My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'  

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room.  Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.  
After mulling over my answers, she remarked,  
'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'  

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.  Carolyn shrugged.  'In ten years, you'll be too old to do all those things  anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children..  
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her  needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed.  'Lizzie,' scolded her mother,  'that's  
not polite behavior.'  With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank  you!  No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but  
how do they get there in the first place?'  After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to  make up something, Dad.  It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.  'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him.  'I'm going to Iraq .'  'Why?'  he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going  
on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and  is wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.  A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'  Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'  An eight-year-old girl perked up.  'How long was he missing?'

*****

... and my personal favorite ...God's Problem Now:  

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a  
massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of  lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.  The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's  there."  

33 comments:

Tina~in_ut said...

Good Moaning~

Tina~in_ut said...

Diamne~ Thanks for the blag.....the first one really cracked me up~

Michael said...

Good morning Tina....

have you given any thought to changing that tired avatar? And you have been moaning for quite a long time....perhaps you could switch to whining...I know you do that a lot...

..slides in by Mary who is sleeping on the divan...inserts tongue in ear..

Michael said...

Dianne!

These are funny..cute...sweet..or combos of 2 or more of those choices.

The last one brings back the memory of my Fathers service last September....can the devil make thunder and lightning too?

Michael said...

look at this headline...

Bryan flower shop giving away 1,000 roses today

this type of thing just makes me steam! My initial thought is hurry and get over there and call dibs of the approx. 83 dozen roses!

Then you read on and this is the ACTUAL deal...

Residents can pick up one free rose each at the store's new location, 3808 S. Texas Ave. in Bryan, from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

See this just starts the day off wrong! 83 dozen roses I can do something with! But what am I supposed to do with one stinkin' rose!?


don't answer that...

Tina~in_ut said...

answering anyway....."straight up ur ass, honey....straight up ur ass!!!" Oh....and at first, I thought ur avatar had horns~ :D

Michael said...

DEADLY FOOD OUTBREAK!! INFECTED CANTALOUPES ON DEADLY KILLING SPREE!!

Health officials say as many as 16 people have died from possible listeria illnesses traced to Colorado cantaloupes, the deadliest food outbreak in more than a decade.
CDC reported the 72 illnesses and deaths in 18 states. Cases of listeria were reported in California, Colorado, Florida, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Maryland, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Texas, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, and Wyoming. The most illnesses were reported in Colorado, which has seen 15 sickened. Fourteen illnesses were reported in Texas, 10 in New Mexico and eight in Oklahoma.


Dianne!! Check your melons!!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Splat!

Morning Tina and Michael!

Dianne that last one reminded me of Tina!

Tina~in_ut said...

Shirley = Bitch!~

Michael said...

well isn't Tina just a ray of sunshine today!!?

did Jesus want you for a sunbeam..
a sun beam....a sunbeam

cuz if he wanted you for a sunbeam..
he's SOL today....



Shirley...Check your melons...
Tina...Check y....
Shirley...Check your melons..

Michael said...

Tina...just simma down nah!

Michael said...

these headlines today...ga!

Botched surgery leaves woman with 'uniboob'

Teen murder suspect says she's a vampire.

Acapulco: Severed Heads Found In Mexican Resort (WARNING: Graphic Photos)

NANCY GRACE IS....TIT MOM!!!!

"Saudi Women Punished For Driving"

"Ryan O’Neal blames Oprah for difficult relationship with daughter Tatum"

"Larry Flynt and his Hustler Magazine are offering $1 million to anyone who can document a gay or straight sexual relationship with Gov. Rick Perry."

Dianne/Denver said...

Hi...MICHAEL: Thanks for the warning. I have been off melons for a few weeks now. I went for my annual physical yesterday and my dr wrote down some "to do" items for me. She wrote to eat more cantaloup and bananas. Sheesh!!!!

Morning TINA: I have to agree with MICHAEL that it is time to change that avatar picture....maybe back to George or someone!

SHIRLEY: You are splatting all over the place again today. At least you are hopefully not shi.... all over the place. I noticed yesterday that you worked. I thought you just had to do that during tax season.

JODI: How is your MIL doing after that hip surgery? Hope your son is well now too. DON'T GET SICK!!! You have much to much fun ahead for you a week from today. Are you packed yet? That time came up so quick from when you made your first plans.

Well, I am off to a lunch with my niece today so thanks for comments and hope you all enjoy the jokes.

ZONA: I really got a laugh from your Walmart one yesterday. You are right....I will always think of that when entering Walmart now.

Just_Lin said...

Tina Good moaning. I got up while it was still morning, but just barely. Didn't wake up until nearly 11:00. I thought I was very tired all day yesterday. Guess I was right.

Just_Lin said...

Michael How many sunbeams did Jesus want Tina for?

By the way, you know what they say....A rose in the hand is worth 83 dozen at the florist's shop.

Just_Lin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Just_Lin said...

Dianne Thanks for the cute jokes. I liked the last one best. Oh, and always wash your melons. That's my pearl of wisdom for the day.

(My delete)

Just_Lin said...

Shirley I don't know why that last joke would remind you of our dear, sweet Tina. Maybe it was the "clap". Bwahahahah!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Dianne I work on Tuesdays in the off season. We do book work for some clients and it has increased in volume from last year, so I am needed on Tuesdays.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Just Lin if I believed in heaven I can just imagine Tina stirring up a dust cloud when she arrived and saw Michael!

Michael said...

and if I believed in heaven I'd have to take the "up" elevator to see Tina...ijs..

wait a minute....you think I would be in heaven...thats so sweet Shirley...

Shirley thinks I'd go to heaven!!!

and J/L... I thinks that... "a rose on the bush is worth 2 in the hand"

Michael said...

or that song by that Ronstadt girl...

"love is a nose..but u better not pick it"

Just_Lin said...

Shirley And I bet when you are up in heaven, you'll be splatting the place up. : )

Just_Lin said...

Michael LOL @ "up" elevator!

Just_Lin said...

25

Just_Lin said...

I guess I closed down the blog.

Dianne/Denver said...

For the night?

Just_Lin said...

Maybe. Maybe not.

Tina~in_ut said...

i don't think so~

Michael said...

pipe down...I'm going to bed...

whabbear said...

Hi, everybody! Remember when the owls were the night owls, and everybody was up and commenting late?

Oh well. Dianne, very funny! Tina, have you seen the figures on deficit spending in recent Republican versus Democrat administrations... Shirley, WHOMP, Michael, Listeria? Would that be a Lane? Also, don't forget the words of the artist we once again address as Prince: When the elevator tries to bring you down, GO CRAZY! Punch a higher floor!

J/L: Congrats on 25, you tedious thang! LOL!

Zona said...

Hi Guys!!

DI: Funny jokes..even after midnight! I like the last one the best!

TINA: I agree with MICHAEL..it's time to change your pic..how about a gorgeous guy from England..you know Hugh I mean... :D

SHIRLEY: I sure hope there's no dust in Heaven..I've had enough dust here..I don't want to see it there too!! ;D

BEAR: I'm still kinda a Night Owl..for about another hour at least..yaaaawwwnnn.. :)....:D

MICHAEL: All piped down now..good night!

FROM 51:

J/LIN: I sure hope your headache has gone away..it doesn't matter if it's a migraine..tension..or allergy..headaches are miserable!

BARB: We did have another haboob..someone somewhere must think there's not enough dust here already! :D

One last look at FB..and then off to bed..sweet dreams everyone..catch ya on the flip-side.. :)

Just_Lin said...

Hoot! Hoot!