Thursday, December 3, 2015

In the Hospital

by Dianne

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Letter from Grandma

by Dianne

Dear Family,
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05.
Two. Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your
problem to deal with.
House Rules: 1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.
The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey.
You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacongrease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires
a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. The election is over so I’ll watch what I say about the bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
I really mean all of the above.
Love You,

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


by Dianne 

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft.  A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.  The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled:

"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket … he had told me before we took off that he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, Mayday!!" 

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"

He began his series of questions: 

Tower: " How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?" 

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me." 

Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"

Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me." 

Tower: “ Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?" 

Aircraft: “The sh#*... in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!" 

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Lonely Widow

by Dianne

A lonely widow, age 70, decided that it was time to get married again. She put an ad in the local paper that read:
On the second day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!" She snorted.
"You don't have any arms either!"
Again, the old man smiled, "Therefore, I can never beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,  "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Monday, September 28, 2015

Proverbs as Told by Fourth Graders

by Dianne

A fourth grade teacher presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the second half.

1. You can lead a horse to water but….........................…. how?

2. Strike while the…………………..…....………. bug is close.

3. It’s always darkest before………..…. Daylight Saving Time.

4. Never underestimate the power of…........................ termites.

5. Don’t change horses……………….…...…… until they stop.

6. Don’t bite the hand that…………….............…… looks dirty.

7. No news is………………………….....………… impossible.

8. A miss is as good as a………………..................……. Mister.

9. You can’t teach an old dog new…….........................…. math.

10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll……... stink in the morning.

11. Love all, trust……………………….....................……… me.

12. The pen is mightier than the………...........................…. pigs.

13. An idle mind is…………….............…. the best way to relax.

14. Where there’s smoke there’s……...................…… pollution.

15. Happy the bride who…………………….gets all the presents.

16. A penny saved is……………….............…………. not much.

17. Two’s company, three’s………......………… the Musketeers

18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what……. you put on to go to bed.

19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and………….. you have to blow your nose.

20. There are none so blind as………........……. Stevie Wonder.

21. Children should be seen and not...……. spanked or grounded.

22. If at first you don’t succeed………....…… get new batteries.

23. You get out of something only what you……………….. see in the picture on the box.

24. When the blind lead the blind……......….. get out of the way.

And the best for last…

25. Better late than………………….................……….. pregnant.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Irish Humor

by Dianne

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.  Below is a perfect example of those teachings . . .
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child.  What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next please!'

Monday, September 21, 2015

Marriage in Heaven

by Dianne

On their way to be married, a young couple was killed in a car accident.  The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.  While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly be married in Heaven? 
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find out," and he left. 
The couple sat and waited, and waited.  Two months passed and they were still waiting.   As they waited, they discussed two questions.  
If they were to be married in Heaven, what would be the eternal aspect of it all? 
What if the marriage doesn't work, they wondered.  Will we be stuck together FOREVER?
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 
 "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN be married in Heaven." 
"Great!" said the couple,  "But we were just wondering.  What if things don't work out?   Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?" 
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. 
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here!  Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Help Line for Men

by Dianne

“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

“Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse and then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

“It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.  Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

Sunday, September 13, 2015

Best Senior Pick-up Line

by Dianne

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid nineties.

He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well looked after image.

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Georgia Grandma

by Dianne

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

Monday, August 31, 2015

Irish Alzheimer's

by Dianne

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.   A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I  figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Where Are Your Glasses?

by Dianne

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.​ 
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." 
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.

Friday, August 21, 2015

The Old Cowboy

by Dianne

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?