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Monday, August 31, 2015

Irish Alzheimer's

by Dianne

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
 
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?
 
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.   A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I  figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
 
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Where Are Your Glasses?


by Dianne

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.
 
“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?” I asked.
 
Her talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.
 
She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the gals.​ 
  
I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.
 
I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.
 
She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 78 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
 
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Mom, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club." 
 
"Oh man, I'm in trouble again,” I said, “I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"
 
The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.
 
Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be ever so much fun.

Friday, August 21, 2015

The Old Cowboy


by Dianne

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
 
***********
 
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
 
***********
 
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born on just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
***********
 
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?
***********
 
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
When you are over seventy who gives a crap?

Sunday, August 16, 2015

The victory of Annie Glenn, Wife of John Glenn

by Dianne


For half a century, the world has applauded John Glenn as a heart-stirring American hero. He lifted the nation's spirits when, as one of the original Mercury 7 astronauts, he was blasted alone into orbit around the Earth; the enduring affection for him is so powerful that even now people find themselves misting up at the sight of his face or the sound of his voice.

But for all these years, Glenn has had a hero of his own, someone who he has seen display endless courage of a different kind:

Annie Glenn.

They have been married for 72 years.

He is 94; she turned 95 in February.

This weekend there has been news coverage of the 50th anniversary of Glenn's flight into orbit. We are being reminded that, half a century down the line, he remains America 's unforgettable hero.

He has never really bought that.

Because the heroism he most cherishes is of a sort that is seldom cheered. It belongs to the person he has known longer than he has known anyone else in the world.

John Glenn and Annie Castor first knew each other when -- literally -- they shared a playpen.

In New Concord, Ohio, his parents and hers were friends. When the families got together, their children played.


John -- the future Marine fighter pilot, the future test-pilot ace, the future astronaut -- was pure gold from the start. He would end up having what it took to rise to the absolute pinnacle of American regard during the space race; imagine what it meant to be the young John Glenn in the small confines of New Concord ..

Three-sport varsity athlete, most admired boy in town, Mr. Everything.

Annie Castor was bright, was caring, was talented, was generous of spirit. But she could talk only with the most excruciating of difficulty. It haunted her.

Her stuttering was so severe that it was categorized as an "85%" disability -- 85% of the time, she could not manage to make words come out.

When she tried to recite a poem in elementary school, she was laughed at. She was not able to speak on the telephone. She could not have a regular conversation with a friend.

And John Glenn loved her.

Even as a boy he was wise enough to understand that people who could not see past her stutter were missing out on knowing a rare and wonderful girl.

Wedding picture.

They married on April 6, 1943. As a military wife, she found that life as she and John moved around the country could be quite hurtful. She has written: "I can remember some very painful experiences -- especially the ridicule."

In department stores, she would wander unfamiliar aisles trying to find the right section, embarrassed to attempt to ask the salesclerks for help. In taxis, she would have to write requests to the driver, because she couldn't speak the destination out loud. In restaurants, she would point to the items on the menu.

A fine musician, Annie, in every community where she and John moved, would play the organ in church as a way to make new friends. She and John had two children; she has written: "Can you imagine living in the modern world and being afraid to use the telephone? 'Hello' used to be so hard for me to say. I worried that my children would be injured and need a doctor. Could I somehow find the words to get the information across on the phone?"

John, as a Marine aviator, flew 59 combat missions in World War II and 90 during the Korean War. Every time he was deployed, he and Annie said goodbye the same way. His last words to her before leaving were:

"I'm just going down to the corner store to get a pack of gum."

And, with just the two of them there, she was able to always reply: "Don't be long."

On that February day in 1962 when the world held its breath and the Atlas rocket was about to propel him toward space, those were their words, once again. And in 1998, when, at 77, he went back to space aboard the shuttle Discovery, it was an understandably tense time for them. What if something happened to end their life together? 
 
She knew what he would say to her before boarding the shuttle. He did -- and this time he gave her a present to hold onto:

A pack of gum.

She carried it in a pocket next to her heart until he was safely home.

Many times in her life she attempted various treatments to cure her stutter. None worked.

But in 1973, she found a doctor in Virginia who ran an intensive program she and John hoped would help her. She traveled there to enroll and to give it her best effort. The miracle she and John had always waited for at last, as miracles will do, arrived. At age 53, she was able to talk fluidly, and not in brief, anxiety-ridden, agonizing bursts.

John has said that on the first day he heard her speak to him with confidence and clarity, he dropped to his knees to offer a prayer of gratitude.

He has written: "I saw Annie's perseverance and strength through the years and it just made me admire her and love her even more." He has heard roaring ovations in countries around the globe for his own valor, but his awe is reserved for Annie, and what she accomplished: "I don't know if I would have had the courage."

Her voice is so clear and steady now that she regularly gives public talks. If you are lucky enough to know the Glenn's, the sight and sound of them bantering and joking with each other and playfully finishing each others' sentences is something that warms you and makes you thankful just to be in the same room.

Monday will be the anniversary of the Mercury space shot, and once again people will remember, and will speak of the heroism of Glenn the astronaut.


But if you ever find yourself at an event where the Glenn's are appearing, and you want to see someone so brimming with pride and love that you may feel your own tears start to well up, wait until the moment that Annie stands to say a few words to the audience.

And as she begins, take a look at her husband's eyes.

WOW!!! What a story!

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

~ Terry and Terri ~

by Tina

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

"Wow," the Social Worker exclaims. "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they're all mine," the frustrated Momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Terry." All the children rush to find seats.

"Well," says the Social Worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names."

"Well, to keep it simple, the boy's are all named T E R R Y and he girls are all named T E R R I."

In disbelief, the case worker says, "Are you serious? They're all named Terry?"

Their Momma replied, "Well, yes. It makes it easier. When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, Terry! And when it's time for dinner, I just yell Terry! And they all come running. If I stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had,  naming them all Terry."

The Social Worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want one kid to come and not the whole bunch?"

"Then I call them by their LAST names!"

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Why Irish Women Make Better Assassins

by Dianne

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men (Pat and Mike) and a woman (Colleen).

For the final test, the CIA agents took Pat to a large metal door and handed him a gun.  


"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her." 

Pat said,  "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my dear wife".

The agent said, "Pat, you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".


Mike was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my dear wife."

The agent said, "Mike, you too, don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home."


Finally, it was Colleen’s turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.
 
Colleen said, "The gun was loaded with blanks. I had to kill him with the chair.

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

From The Back Pew


by Dianne


A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
 
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew was sitting Pat who had mistakenly entered the wrong church after having a few too many pints.  Pat stood up and said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
 
The entire congregation said, "Amen."