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Friday, February 24, 2017

Getting Older


by Dianne

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
 

'Sure.'
 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
 

'No, I can remember it.'
 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
 
'Because she can still drive!'
   
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
 


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 
 

Monday, January 9, 2017

Deaf Italian Bookkeeper


by Dianne

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,  has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
 
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.
 
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
 
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"
 
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
 
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 
 
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
 
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
 
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."
 
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
 
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
 
           Don't you just love lawyers?

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Good Old Dr. Geezer


by Dianne


An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said:  "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your
treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young:  "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember
anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young:  "Oh, no you don't,  -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see
anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, Here's your $1000." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!

Dr. Geezer:  "Congratulations! You got your vision back!; That will be $500."

Moral of story  -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"