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Monday, October 16, 2017

Lost Words from Our Childhood


by Dianne

Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word “Murgatroyd”? 
Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip!  Sad really!
The other day a not so elderly (65) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?” 
He never heard of the word jalopy!!  She knew she was old but not that old.
Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.
About a month ago, I used some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a broken record” and “Hung out to dry.” Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie.  We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.
Heavens to Betsy!
Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!
We were in like Flynn and living the Life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!
Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys, and the DA.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.
Oh, my aching back.  Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.
We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle! Or, This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards..
Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind. We blink, and they’re gone.  Where have all those phrases gone?
Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.
Hey!  It’s your nickel.
Don’t forget to pull the chain.
Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks!
Going like sixty.
I’ll see you in the funny papers.
Don’t take any wooden nickels.
It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills.  This can be disturbing stuff!
We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times.  For a child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age.  We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory.  It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.
See ya later, alligator! 

Monday, August 14, 2017

Wise Old Man

by Dianne

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.
 
Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
 
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.” he kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.
 
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”
 
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
 
“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”
 
“A lousy quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”
 
And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Visit to the jewelry store

by Dianne

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.  
 
    The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' 
   
    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.
   
    The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, "By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."
    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account. 
   
    ''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’
 
 
Moral of the story: Not All Seniors Are Senile

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Alan and Bill

by Dianne

Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. 
 
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around.  In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.  The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. 
I promise that it won't happen again.  Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.  
 
 Regards, Alan.


Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor Alan dead
 
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. 

He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
 
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
 
Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again.  Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.  I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ to  Wife’.
 
Technology hey?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that.   
 
 Regards, Alan.

Friday, July 21, 2017

THE STORY EVERY ONE IS AWAITING TO HEAR

by Dianne


A Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight from London to the US.
 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
 
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a cocktail. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Irish Catholic then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice."

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Married for 50 Years

by Dianne


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.”
 
“Now, I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
Aren’t older women great?
 
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.