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Friday, April 20, 2018

The Parrot

by Dianne

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Irish Compassion

by Dianne

 Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight 
       from Dublin to Boston,
 the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful 
announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,
but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up 
by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 
103 passengers on board,
and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
       
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, 
she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that 
someone else can eat
Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 
5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Secret to a Long Marriage

by Dianne

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy ."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

Saturday, March 17, 2018

Paddy McCoy

by Dianne

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Sunday, March 4, 2018

Angels Check on the Earth

by Dianne

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.’

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Another Little Johnny Joke

by Dianne

A group of four year olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school.
 
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk.
 
“You need to use ‘Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
 
“Alex, what did you do over the weekend?
 
"I went to visit my Nana."
 
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People' words!"
 
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
 
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
 
"No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People' words," she said.
 
She then asked little Johnny what he had done.
 
"I read a book," he replied.
 
“That’s WONDERFUL, Johnny!” the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
 
Johnny thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."