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Tuesday, March 3, 2015

The Baptist White Lie Cake

by Sac Barb

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, AL, but forgot it until the last minute.

She remembered the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat, the cake was disfigured !

"Oh dear, there is not time to bake another one!"

Being inventive, she looked for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet Paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions: be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30, buy the cake and bring it home!

But when the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified! beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be talked about, ridiculed!

All night Alice tossed in bed thinking about the "toilet paper" cake! People talking about the cake! And about her!

The next morning Alice tried to put the cake out of her mind, just attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member, try to have a good time.

She really did not want to attend..the hostess was a church snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice, a single parent, NOT from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But.. she had already RSVP'd, and couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

The blood drained from her body when she saw IT: the "toilet paper" cake! No!

She rose up out of her chair to tell the hostess, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife remarked, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, stunned, dropped back in her chair, as she heard the hostess (a prominent church lady) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled. The blood began to return to her body. And a thought  crept into her mind:

"God is good"

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The Pickle Factory

by Dianne

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Two Boys

by Dianne


Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations.

Theirs will be first on the schedule.
 
The older boy leans over and asks,  "What are you having done?"
 
The second boy says, "I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid."
 
The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.
It's a breeze."
 
The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?"
 
The first boy says, "Circumcision."
 
"Whoa!" the smaller boy replies.
"Good luck, buddy.  I had that done when I was born.
Couldn't walk for a year."

Thursday, January 15, 2015

A.A.A.D.D.- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS!

by Sac Barb

Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
And notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back
On the table and take out the garbage first...

But then I think,
Since I'm going to be near the mailbox
When I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
So I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks,
But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye--they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
Discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter ,
Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
But I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
But first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
Get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
Remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed,
The bills aren't paid,
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter,
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
And I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail....

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Tips For Making A Woman Happy!

by Sac Barb


In the world of romance, one single rule applies: 

Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

 

SIMPLE  DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)

 

SOCIAL  ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)


HER  BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)


A  NIGHT  OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

 

YOUR  PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


THE  BIG  QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response  (-20)


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)