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Thursday, July 27, 2017

Alan and Bill

by Dianne

Hey Bill ---- This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. 
 
The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around.  In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know.  The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. 
I promise that it won't happen again.  Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you.  
 
 Regards, Alan.


Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor Alan dead
 
He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. 

He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
 
THE SECOND MESSAGE:
 
Hey Bill --- This is Alan next door again.  Sorry about the slight typo on my last text.  I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I’m sure you noticed that my autocorrect changed ‘WiFi’ to  Wife’.
 
Technology hey?!?  Hope you saw the funny side of that.   
 
 Regards, Alan.

Friday, July 21, 2017

THE STORY EVERY ONE IS AWAITING TO HEAR

by Dianne


A Mormon was seated next to an Irish Catholic on a flight from London to the US.
 
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
 
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a cocktail. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 
The Irish Catholic then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too.  I didn't know we had a choice."

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Married for 50 Years

by Dianne


After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.”
 
“Now, I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”
 
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
Aren’t older women great?
 
They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Sunday, July 9, 2017

I've Found Religion!

by Dianne

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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Catholic  Dog

Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor  creature?'

Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal  in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no  tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet  Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?

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   Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

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   Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.

'90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

------------------------------------------------------------    Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet. 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.
  
'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '
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   Stress  Reliever

Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'

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 Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

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A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman  replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

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Husbands Are Husbands


A  man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head  with a frying pan.
  

 'What  was that for?' the man asked.
  

The  wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
  

 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Betty  was the name of the horse I bet on.'
  

 The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
  

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.
  

  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

  Wife  replied, 'Your horse phoned!'

Friday, June 30, 2017

At the Dinner Table

by Dianne


A family was at the dinner table when the son asked his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”
 
The father, surprised, answered, “Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman’s are like melons: round and firm. In her 30s, 40s, and 50s, they are like pears: still nice, but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions.”
 
“Onions?”
 
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
 
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, “Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?”
 
The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree: mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s, and 50s, it is like a birch: flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree.”
 
“A Christmas tree?”
 
“Yes. The tree is dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.”

Monday, June 26, 2017

Norwegian Wedding

by Dianne

Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch.
 
Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.   As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
 
He said: "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena , is still a Virgin -- in every vay.  
 
The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal, and to keep it straight. It should be okay next week,  but leave it on dere as long as you can."
 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together... quite an impressive work of art.  
 
Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .  
 
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her  beautiful, untouched breasts.
   
She said: "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
 
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied:  “Look at dis, Lena ... still in DA CRATE!"