Pages

Thursday, December 1, 2016

When I Was A Kid......


by Dianne

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning…. Uphill… Barefoot… BOTH ways…yadda, yadda, yadda
 
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
 
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
 
1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
 
2) There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were ten cents!
 
3) Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
 
4) There were no MP3’s or Torrents or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
 
5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and screw it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.
 
6) We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!
 
7) There weren’t any cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there was no TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
 
8) And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
 
9) We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
 
10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!
 
11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons only on Saturday morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rugrats!
 
12) And we didn’t have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
 
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!
 
And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were lucky, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!
 
See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!
 
Regards, The Over 40 Crowd

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Why We Love Kids.....


by Dianne


1) NUDITY   
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'   
   
2) OPINIONS   
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
  
3) KETCHUP   
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'   
   
4) MORE NUDITY    

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
  
5) POLICE # 1   
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?' 
  
6) POLICE # 2   
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.   
'It sure is,' I replied.   
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'   
   
7) ELDERLY   
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'   
   
8) DRESS-UP   
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'   
'And why not, darling?'   
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'   
   
9) DEATH   
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.   
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said : 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.'      (I want this line used at my funeral!)          
   
10) SCHOOL   
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'   
   
11) BIBLE   
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.   
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.   
'What have you got there, dear?'   
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam 's underwear!'

Friday, October 28, 2016

A Horse, A Chicken and A Harley


by Dianne



On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. 

 
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. 

 
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! 

 
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at  the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. 

  
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. 

 
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. 

 
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. 

 
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! 

 
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none  the wiser when he returned. 

 
The friendship between the two animals was cemented : Best Buddies, Best Pals. 

 
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, And soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! 

 
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. 


 Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. 

 
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. 

 
The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral)” 

 
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Will I Live to see 80-something?

by Dianne

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm almost seventy six.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?

'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a shit?

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

You Make A Difference


by Dianne

A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each of them how they made a difference to her and the class. Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters, which read, “Who I Am Makes A Difference”.

Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on the community. She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.

One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning. He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt. Then he gave him the two extra ribbons and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going. Then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”

Later that day the junior executive went to see his boss. Who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius. The boss seemed very surprised. The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him. His surprised boss said, “Well sure.” The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, “Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and he wants to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”

That night the boss came home to his 14-year old son and sat him down. He said, “The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the junior executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine, he thinks I’m a creative genius. Then he put this blue ribbon that says ‘Who I Am Makes A Difference’ on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor.”

“As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I would honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home I don’t pay a lot of attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades in school and for your bedroom being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Besides your mother, you are the most important person in my life. You’re a great kid and I love you!” The startled boy started to sob and sob, and he wouldn’t stop crying. His whole body shook.

He looked up at his father and said through his tears, “Dad, earlier tonight I sat in my room and wrote a letter to you and Mom explaining why I killed myself and asking you to forgive me. I was going to commit suicide tonight after you were asleep. I just didn’t think you cared at all. The letter is upstairs . . . Now I don’t think I need it after all.” His Father walked upstairs and found a heartfelt letter full of anguish and pain. The envelope was addressed, “Mom and Dad.”

The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference. The junior executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference in his life … one being the boss’s son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. Who you are DOES make a difference.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

Tailgating

by Dianne 

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.”

 "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."