Friday, April 17, 2015

Marriage Secret

by Dianne

A man and his wife had been married for going on fifty years. They shared everything, but the one thing the old man’s wife asked him never to do was look in a old shoebox she kept on the top shelf of her closet.

Not thinking anything of it, the man never asked about its contents. He just figured it was one of those things… 

One day, when the old woman had fallen ill and didn’t have much longer to live, she called her husband to her hospital bed and told him it was time for him to take a look at the shoebox.

The old man went home, grabbed the box, and opened it. Inside, there were two crocheted dolls and bundles of money totaling $95,000.

“But…why? How?!” he stuttered, totally mystified by the cash.

“Right before we got married,” the old woman told her astonished husband, “My grandmother told me the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She said if I ever got angry with you, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

The old man was touched. There were only two dolls in the shoebox – she had only been angry with him two times over the course of their marriage. He scooped his wife up and gave her a kiss.

“But where did the money come from?” He asked her.

“Oh, that?” She said with a smile, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

Monday, April 13, 2015

The Pastor's Ass

by Dianne

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.  The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:  PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.  The next day, the local paper headline read:   BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of  the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.  The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:       NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read:   NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read:   NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE

The bishop was buried the next day.  

The moral of the story is :
Being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life.  So be yourself and enjoy life...stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Baby Planes

by Dianne

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Advice From a Retired Husband

by Dianne

This is why I don't play golf!!!!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol to get
a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for
the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I
noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf
club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit
that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even
three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that
missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know
what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She
had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try
not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big,
cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as
long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use
a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this
article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we
are put on this earth to help each other.

Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum, shortly after this
message "went viral." The police report says he was found with a Calloway
extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end,
with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His
wife Carol was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took
only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron,
somehow accidentally sat down on his golf club. 

This is quite similar to those Roman generals who always seem to be falling on their own swords.