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Saturday, May 19, 2018

The Mommy Test

by Dianne

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?  You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Making A Baby

by Dianne

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to 
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'    

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',  he said,  'I've come to...'     

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'    

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'     

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !. ‘After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'    

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'  
  
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'    

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'     

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..  
  
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'    

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.   
  
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.    

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
  
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'  

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.   
  
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'  

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
  
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'    

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'  

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'  

'Tripod?'   
  
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'  

Mrs. Smith fainted.

Friday, April 20, 2018

The Parrot

by Dianne

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Saturday, April 7, 2018

Irish Compassion

by Dianne

 Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight 
       from Dublin to Boston,
 the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful 
announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,
but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up 
by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 
103 passengers on board,
and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.
       
When the muttering of the passengers had died down, 
she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that 
someone else can eat
Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 
5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

Saturday, March 24, 2018

Secret to a Long Marriage

by Dianne

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy ."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."