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Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Cap'n Jack's Seafood Grille

by Dianne

               A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet
               for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's
               next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six
               dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and
               Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the
               same street and they might see her.
    
               Ten years later, the group of now 25-year-old guys discussed
               where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would
               meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was
               cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there
               was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
    
               Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided
               they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the
               booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late
               enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
    
               Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where
               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and
               the waitresses wore low cut blouses and really tight pants.
    
               Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where
               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were
               reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for
               your cholesterol.
    
               Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they
               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the
               lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
    
               Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they
               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food
               was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped
               accessible.
    
               Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they
               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had
               never been there before...

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

How Adam Got Eve

by Dianne


Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

                                        So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
 
and that it would be a woman.
 
He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
 
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you 
 
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
 
She will praise you! 

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
 
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'
 

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'
 
God replied, 'An arm and a leg.'

 
Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib?'

 
Of course the rest is history............

Sunday, June 15, 2014

~ Happy Father's Day ~

by Tina~in_ut
 



 And if you still haven't bought that father in your life something special, here is an idea:





And you can buy them here

(I really wish Michael were still around for this one! lq~)



Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Golfer

by Dianne

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. 
"The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm.
I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.
My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved,
I've learned how to sew my own clothes
and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success.
Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer,
"Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

New Texas Priest

by Mary

A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to
serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in
on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying
things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'”
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one
hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying,
‘No shit, what happened next?????’"

Friday, May 16, 2014

Why I Like Retirement.....

by Mary

Question: How many days in a week? 
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:
When is a retiree's bedtime? 
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? 
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day. 

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? 
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done. 

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? 
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount. 

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? 
Answer: Tied shoes. 

Question: Why do retirees count pennies? 
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time. 


Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? 
Answer: NUTS! 


Question:
Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? 
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? 
Answer: Normal. 


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? 
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer:
If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. 

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth. 


Question: What do you do all week? 
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.