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Thursday, August 21, 2014

The Pharmacist's Monday ......

by Dianne

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
 
"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
   
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
   
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him,
   
"Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.
   
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."
   
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
  
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
  
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her." 

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Mama's Bible

by Dianne

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers. 

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother, who had moved to Florida.
 

The first said, "You know, I had a big house built for Mama."
 

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in her house."
 

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
 

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible, and you know she can't read
 anymore because she can't see very well. I met a preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. To get the bird, I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it." 

The other brothers were impressed. After the celebration, Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.


She wrote:
“Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. But the thought was good. Thanks." 

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people,
  but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture, just the same." 

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to
 your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much." 

Love, Mama

Friday, August 8, 2014

The Confessional

by Sac Barb



An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
 
Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
 
Then the priest comes in.
 
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
 
The priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side!"

Friday, August 1, 2014

Sign from God

by Barb

A woman and a man are involved in a head-on collision… it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but, amazingly neither of them are hurt.  

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man, that’s interesting. I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!  There’s nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”

The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!” 

The woman continued, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.”

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cork back in, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?” The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police to arrive.”

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Cap'n Jack's Seafood Grille

by Dianne

               A group of 15-year-old boys discussed where they should meet
               for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's
               next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six
               dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there and
               Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the
               same street and they might see her.
    
               Ten years later, the group of now 25-year-old guys discussed
               where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would
               meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was
               cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there
               was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.
    
               Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided
               they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the
               booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late
               enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
    
               Ten years later, at 45, the group once again discussed where
               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and
               the waitresses wore low cut blouses and really tight pants.
    
               Ten years later, now 55, the group once again discussed where
               they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at
               Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were
               reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for
               your cholesterol.
    
               Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they
               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the
               lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
    
               Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they
               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food
               was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped
               accessible.
    
               Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again
               discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they
               would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had
               never been there before...