Friday, February 28, 2014

A Few Laughs

by Dianne


The toilet seat was invented in Minnesota , but twenty years later a North Dakotan invented the hole in it.
When Ole accidentally lost 50 cents in the outhouse, he immediately threw in his watch and billfold. He explained, 'I'm not going down dere yust for 50 cents.'
A Norwegian appeared with five other men in a rape case police line-up. As the victim entered the room, the Norwegian blurted, 'Yep, dat's her!'
Two Norwegians from Minnesota went fishing in Canada and returned with only one fish. 'The way I figger it, dat fish cost us $400,' said the first Norwegian.
'Vell,' said the other one, 'At dat price it's a good ting ve didn't catch any more.'
Ole and Lena were getting on in years. Ole was 92 and Lena was 89. One evening they were sitting on the porch in their rockers and Ole reached over and patted Lena on her knee. ' Lena , vat ever happened tew our sex relations?' He asked.
'Vell, Ole, I yust don't know,' replied Lena . 'I don't tink ve even got a card from dem last Christmas.'
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
'Oh,' said Ole, 'I persvaded her to svitch to a clarinet.'  'How come?' asked Lars.
'Vell,' Ole answered, 'because vith a clarinet, she can't sing.
The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. 'Vell how da hell should I know, dats two tousand miles from here' he says and hangs up.
'Who vas dat?' asks Lena .
'I donno, some fool wanting to know if da coast vas clear.
On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand on Lena 's knee. Giggling, Lena said, 'Ole, you can go farther than that if you vant to.'
So Ole drove to Dulute.
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the little town of Alexandria , Minnesota . The policeman, who was a good friend of Ole's said, 'Ole, What in the world are you doing? Where are your clothes?  You're naked.'
'Yah, I know,' said Ole.  'You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Swen's for his birthday party. Dere vas about ten of us. Der vas boys and girls.'
'Is that right?', his policeman friend asked.
'Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Swen, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!  'So vee all go into the bedroom....where den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!'  'Vel, vee all got undressed.  Den he yells, 'Everybody go to town!'
'Yah, vel, I guess I'm the first vun here!'

Friday, February 7, 2014


by Mary/MI

       Lexiphile is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, like: 
                      "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish….."

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools, they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . .. . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. . . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name . . . and a dress.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.
When a clock is hungry . . . it goes back four seconds
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair . . . she thought she'd dye.  
Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.