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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Cutisms

by Dianne

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary. I like the wrinkles description, how about you?

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have,
Similar to my character lines.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Staff Weekend

by Bonachichi


This guy Michael makes a career out of annoying people. I don’t know how he keeps his job. It’s long, but I laughed out loud (not the cutie “lol”, but a real laugh) several times.
From: Thomas
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 9.06am
To: All Staff
Subject: Staff weekend

Sharon and I had a meeting on Friday to discuss doing one of those staff team building weekends. It's tax deductible and we can get a package deal with one near the river that looks nice with activities like yoga, canoeing, talent night, hiking and orienteering. It's 3 hours drive so if we leave Friday lunch time, we will get there by 4pm. The plan is to lock in the 25th to the 27th of this month so can everyone check their diaries and get back to me please?
TJ

From: Michael
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 9.34am
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Thomas,

Although I am usually the first to embrace any excuse for absence from the workplace, my absence usually involves a direct correlation to the absence of people I work with. Spending several hours in a vehicle to participate in activities that involve being sweaty, wet, judged and then lost together, sounds pretty much the same as a normal week in the office. Will we be paid to attend?
Also, what is the difference between hiking and orienteering?
Regards, Michael.

From: Thomas
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 10.04am
To:
Michael
Subject: Re: Re: Staff weekend

I think one is where you walk around and look at things and the other is where you have a compass. I don't know, google it. The point isn't what the activities are, it's that we do them together as a team. I knew you would be the first one to complain about this. Everybody else had a good time last year on the houseboat trip.

TJ
From: Michael
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 11.22am
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Thomas,

When did I indicate that I had anything other than a fabulous time aboard the houseboat last year? I am the last to complain about anything. If I were on a television game show where points were awarded for complaining, my only complaint would be participating in a show that is clearly beyond my means of winning. At the end of the show, I would thank the host and say I had a wonderful time anyway.
My favourite part of the houseboat trip was when we were stuck on a sandbar for three days. Unable to radio for help due to your hair dryer usage draining the reserve batteries, you claimed yourself Captain and ordered me to swim ashore in search of a tall hill to climb with the hope of gaining mobile phone reception. It is not mutiny if the Captain cannot provide sufficient evidence to support his title, and besides, you refused to accept my title of Grand Admiral Emperor King of Everything the next day. My second favourite part of the trip was when you drank our entire week's alcohol supply on the first afternoon, fell from the bow, and yelled at me for not diving in to rescue you. In my defense, I was wearing new shoes and did give the area a quick visual check for anything of sufficient buoyancy to cast to you. Failing to locate a jumping castle, I felt the next best thing would be the ability to later provide an accurate eye-witness account. I would have left out the bits where you screamed, "Something touched my leg" and "Not like this. Not like this."

Just this morning I was sitting here thinking, while nodding randomly to portray interest in Sharon's dilemma regarding missing Farmville credits and watching Lucian pick his nose and wipe it under his desk, that the one thing missing in my life is a greater percentage of time spent with these people.
If I take a compass with me on the hike does that mean I can skip the orienteering? This would leave me with only yoga, canoeing and talent night to avoid participating in.
Regards, Michael.

From: Thomas
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 11.46am
To:
Michael
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

You're such a liar and it wasn't 3 days. It was less than six hours and when I went into the water you didn't even get out of your chair. You threw a coke can at me and told me to hold on to it so don't pretend you tried to help. What's the point of you even going this year if you are not going to participate in the TEAM activities??
TJ

From: Michael
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 1.09pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Thomas,

My point exactly. I knew you would understand. It might be interesting to see what talents the staff comes up with for talent night though. I have been here for years and haven't seen any. You and I could team up and present a re-enactment of last week's client presentation. I will play the female client and you can demonstrate the importance of remembering to do up your fly if you forego underpants. We could do a puppet show. All we would need is one those floppy skinned pug dogs peeking through a set of curtains while wearing a rusty-brown Brillo® pad collar.

Yoga is out of the question. Seeing the staff clad in Spandex, kicking and rolling around on the floor like a pod of neon walruses engaged in a territorial dispute, is not only something that once seen cannot be unseen, but is also quite possibly a breach of Occupational Health & Safety regulations. I don't care if there is a funky dance beat. I am fine with canoeing though. As long as I can sit in the back and pretend to paddle only when the person in the front turns around to complain about me not paddling; it might be a nice break from avoiding activities. If it is one of those little single-person kayaks, my non-paddling will have the added benefit of failing to keep up with the group. As you all pass around a bend in the river, I will have the opportunity, should I wish to take it after our day together, to roll the kayak and drown.

Also, what are the sleeping arrangements? I won't share with Lucian again after the last interstate client meeting. I was unable to sleep due to his controlled breathing and rustling. It was around 3am before I realized why he had placed the mini hair-conditioner bottle from the hotel bathroom on his side table and what the clicking and squeezing sounds were.

Will we be paid to attend?
Regards, Michael.

From: Thomas
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 1.18pm
To:
Michael
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

The client didn't notice and if it had been you, I would have said something. And people don't wear spandex doing yoga, you're thinking of jazzercise. As a member of the team you are expected to be there and participate in ALL the activities. It's meant to be about the team spending time together outside of work establishing and reinforcing staff relationships. Relationships that create a friendly, trusting and balanced work environment.

TJ

From: Michael
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 1.46pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

Dear Thomas,

By a surprising coincidence, best described as "hardly a", that is the exact text the staff training website has on its front page. Your engagement with this appropriated copy is particularly surprising as it is the same rhetoric we write everyday for clients.

I personally have no desire whatsoever to work in a balanced environment. A coordinated procedure of constant correction would be required and I doubt anybody here has practical fulcrum experience. If someone picked up a stapler from one side of the office, it would need to be replaced with something of equal weight. Probably a calculator and two pens. When you leave for lunch each day, we would have to place something in your chair for three hours and be able to shift it on your return. A system involving rope, pulleys and a mule would probably need to be devised. I hope you have thought this through as it sounds like a lot of team effort and that is the last thing any of us want around here.

Also, will we be paid to attend?  
Regards, Michael.

From: Thomas
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.03pm
To:
Michael
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Staff weekend

No. You don't get paid to go on a staff weekend trip. It's like a bonus. It costs us money to do it. What a stupid question. Not counting food and travel, it is $3200 just to stay there and Sharon has budgeted another $500 for alcohol. If you are going to spend the entire trip being annoying just don't go.

TJ

From: Sharon
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.26pm
To:
Michael
Subject: Hey

Hi,

Are you coming to the staff weekend event on the 25th? I am booking it today.
Thanks, Sharon.

From: Michael
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.41pm
To: Sharon
Subject: Re: Hey

Count me in Sharon. I for one am excited about the opportunity to spend the weekend together establishing and reinforcing staff relationships. Relationships that create a friendly, trusting and balanced work environment. On talent night, I am going to be a sexy space pirate. What are you going as?

From: Sharon
Date: Monday 14 March 2011 2.53pm
To:
Michael
Subject: Re: Re: Hey

I don't know yet. Probably a magic trick or something.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Born Lutheran

by Jodi

Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Big Stone Lake and cook venison steak. But all of Ole’s neighbors were Catholic and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating it.

The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over the neighborhood all the way to the next town and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic.  After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.  As the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood once again.  The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched Ole in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted: "You vuz born a deer, you vuz raised a deer, but now you is a walleye."

Monday, March 28, 2011

Kathy on Sarah

by Lynn D



Love Kathy! I have read about other people who have insulted SP and her minions do go a bit crazy and leave filthy messages and emails and also death threats. What Kathy did not cover and the others have is that the emails are generally so misspelled that you have to get out a decoder ring to figure them out! LMAO

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Senior Citizen Concerns!!

by Dianne

Senior Citizen concerns!!Senior Citizen concerns!!
Some of you "youngsters" in the nest won't relate but just wait......

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. 'Is it true,' she wanted to know, 'that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?'
 
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.'

***********************

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son 'Yes, Dad, what is it? '

'Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."

---------------------------------

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

---------------------------------
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way. And some of the roads weren't paved.

*************************
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

---------------------------------
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

---------------------------------

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft...

Today, it's called golf.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys one old one young are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. The young guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence.

I'm looking for my wife, too...I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her, what does she look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.

What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, 'Doesn't matter,--- let's look for yours.'

Friday, March 25, 2011

One Liners To Kick Start Your Day...Or Me!

by Shirley

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

~ Asians In The Library ~

by Tina~in_ut




This girl is unreal!!!~




And this guy is freaking HILARIOUS!!!!  

Note: Alexandra has since dropped out of UCLA.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Marriage and Horse Racing

by Bonachichi
CAUTION! Do not watch with kids around!!!



Who would have thought they were so much alike?

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Southerner's Medical Dictionary

by Zona

Southerners have the lowest stress rate because they do not take medical terminology seriously. You are going to die anyway, so live life..... and don't worry so much.

Artery................... The study of paintings Bacteria................. Back door to the cafeteria
Barium................... What doctors do when patients die
Benign................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section........ A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan................. Searching for Kitty
Cauterize................ Made eye contact with her
Colic.................... A sheep dog
Coma..................... A punctuation mark
Dilate................... To live long
Enema.................... Not a friend
Fester................... Quicker than someone else
Fibula................... A small lie
Impotent................. Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain.............. Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff............ A Doctor's cane
Morbid................... A higher offer
Nitrates................. Cheaper than day rates
Node..................... I knew it
Outpatient............... A person who has fainted
Pelvis................... Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative........... A letter carrier
Recovery Room............ Place to do upholstery
Rectum................... Dang near killed him
Secretion................ Hiding something
Seizure.................. Roman emperor
Tablet................... A small table
Terminal Illness......... Getting sick at the airport
Tumor.................... One plus one more
Urine.................... Opposite of you're out

Monday, March 21, 2011

~ The 100/0 Principle ~

by Tina~in_ut
We have a conference for work each year, and since our Seattle conference has been canceled twice, they decided to give us an abbreviated version of some of the training we would have received. The class was called "The Difference." We talked about being "the difference" to our customers and to each other. Quite often our customers want compensation for an actual or perceived wrong and we need to make them feel like they are being heard. Sometimes just a simple "I'm sorry" makes all the difference in the world. It's really unbelievable how many people have a difficult time taking ownership and saying they are sorry.

At the end of the class, we were each given a book and an mp3 player. The mp3 player had one of our own calls recorded on it. We could listen to it and decide for ourselves if we made a difference to our customer. (Let me tell you.....there's nothing worse than listening to yourself!) The book we were given was called The 100/0 Principle. I haven't read it cover to cover, but what I've skimmed is so interesting and something I've actually tried before. The basic principle is, you take full responsibility (the 100) for a relationship, expecting nothing (the zero) in return. The principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. It applies to co-workers, customers, family, and friends. Here are the basic steps:
  • Step 1: Determine what you can do to make the relationship work....then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.
  • Step 2: Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada. 
  • Step 3: Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don't take the bait. 
  • Step 4: Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don't respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.
Of course, there are some circumstances where The 100/0 Principle does not apply. Examples include situations in which the other person's behavior is intolerable, such as lying, cheating, stealing or committing a crime. In these circumstances, that person's behavior would likely cause you to do the opposite of The 100/0 Principle.

Listening is one of the most direct and powerful means to creating 100/0 relationships. It is also the foundation for great leadership, high-performance teams, and effective organizations. Many, many times at work, I've had to call "irate" passengers back, and when the call was over, I would invariably be asked "how did it go?" Quite often my answer was the same: "Everything is fine. All I did was listen. He just wanted to be heard."

4 Principles of Listening -
  • Listening grants others the power of speaking.
  • Listening is a gift. Be generous with it.
  • What we listen to is more important than what we say.
  • Communication is what is heard, not what is said.
That last one hits home with me. I also listen for what is not said. I used to be the best listener ever. In 7th grade, my teacher called me a sponge. She said that I sit there quietly and listen and take everything in. That all changed when I met my husband's family. In order to be heard, I learned that I had to butt in and interrupt in order to get a word in edgewise. I've had to consciously hold back in conversations since then in order to be an effective listener.

Any of us can do this. The 100/0 Principle is a great gift all of us can give to others, and in doing so, make our world a better place. By implementing The 100/0 Principle, you will make your role in this world infinitely more effective, satisfying, and successful. Can you even imagine what kind of world we'd live in if everyone lived by this principle?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Who Is Your Ben?

by Bonachichi




Don’t tell anyone... I love this song. It’s so sweet and it says so much about friendship. Who is the Ben in your life and how did this person become “Ben”?

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Growing Up Without A Cell Phone!

by Dianne

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!  

But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  

There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!   Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car..  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'.  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!    
And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!  

And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,

The Over 30 Crowd

Friday, March 18, 2011

Mine and Ours

by Bonachichi
Just today, I realized I am no longer a “me”. I am a “we”. For some time, I’ve been living the single lifestyle. Even when I was “married”, I lived it. Everything I had was mine. Only mine. 

My guy is working in Hawaii at the moment. Hazard duty, for sure. He sent me a message asking where he could download some software he needed in a pinch. He’s done this before, using my accounts and I thought nothing of it. But today, when I told him where to get his goodies, I used the word, “our”. As in, “our account”.
What happened? When did I go from me to we? My to our? Neither one of us even thinks about where we’ll be a year from now, or even tomorrow. We’re both in it for the moment. No strings. My feelings haven’t changed significantly, not that I’ve realized anyway. But at some point, I let go of what’s only mine and began to share it.
Did any of you have this epiphany? The realization that all of a sudden, your life became shared with someone else? How did it come about?

Thursday, March 17, 2011

~ Happy St. Patrick's Day ~

by Tina~in_ut

An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."


The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.


The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.


Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.


The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."


The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."


~Happy St. Patrick's Day ~

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

7 Kinds of Sex

by Mary/MI

Results of a recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.* This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And Last, but not least -
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN. I have enough problems of my own.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Batter Up!

by Maureen

I'm thinking perhaps, just maybe, that Spring will arrive in my lifetime! What gives me that thought? It certainly isn't attributed to our weather, but to baseball and Spring Training!! The annual event gives me hope. It reassures me that winter can't last forever. Opening day in Cleveland is in early April each year. And yes, we have had snow delays in the past, but baseball really does signify spring!

It brings back memories of sitting in the stadium and cheering and booing and doing the wave. Eating the best hot dogs in the universe and drinking the most expensive Diet Pepsi ever! And hearing the crunch of stepping on peanut shells. And tennis shoes sticking to the beer that has spilled all over the ground. Focusing my binoculars on some of the tightest and best asses in tight white pants! Sitting next to strangers and talking and chatting and doing high 5's...and commiserating with each other at the strike out, dropped ball or opposing team home runs. Baseball is a universal language and great equalizer.

I remember going to an Indians vs. White Sox game a couple of years ago. The people in front of us were from Chicago. When we scored, they turned around and congratulated us. When they scored we patted them on the back. Yes, our teams were rivals, but we were equals...FANS. And good sports. And to make it even better, we won :)~

I forgot how much I enjoy baseball. Actually, I have forgotten how much I enjoyed a lot of things. But today I choose to remember those things. I don't know if I will be able to attend any games this year, but if I can't, I can still replay the games I was lucky enough to see in the past.

I am lucky to be able to remember seeing games in Dodger Stadium (and Tommy LaSorda talked to me!), games in the old Cleveland Stadium and games in the brand new Jacob's Field (now Progressive Field) and games in Lakeland, FL during a Spring Training trip I was able to make.

I will watch games on TV this year and maybe even have a hot dog or two and an entire case of Diet Pepsi for the price of one at the stadium!

And I will thank my lucky stars that I had the chance to see games live and in person...not everyone is that lucky.

Batter up!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

~ Tonight I'm F**king You ~

by Tina~in_ut







I was on the phone in the car talking to someone about the Cee Lo Green and P!nk songs with the word F**k in them.  My kids, who I thought weren't listening, piped in and said that I left out Enrique Iglesias' song.  I had no idea what they were talking about especially since I listen to him and I'd never heard a song like that.  I figured it must be a really old song.  Wrong!  I love this song.  Just didn't know there was a version like this~

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Neither Blonde Nor Female....

by Bonachichi

These contractors are installing steel pillars in concrete to stop vehicles from parking on the pavement outside a Sports Bar downtown. They are now in the process of cleaning up at the end of the day and anxious to go home. How long do you think it'll be before they realize where they parked their truck?

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Laughing Baby

by Shirley




Who needs to spend hundreds of dollars on toys...just buy some paper!!

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Fourth Time's A Charm

by Maureen

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she 
had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again
at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral
director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her
early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher
when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Monday, March 7, 2011

The Six Answers We've All Been Waiting For:

by Sac Barb

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'Suck here.' 

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they came, they were wild and wet, but when they went, they took your house and car with them. 

Q: WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch. 

And Finally :
Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

A Love Story

by Maureen

He grasped me firmly but gently just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone.

He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice close to my ear.

"Just relax."

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply.

Probing,searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking `no' for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ...

"Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

Friday, March 4, 2011

How Fairy Tales Really End

by Dianne

Cinderella






















Snow White

 












                                                  Belle (Beauty and the beast)
           
Little Red Riding Hood
 

 












 

                            The little mermaid

























Seems like only yesterday...

BARBIE DOLL has her 50th birthday this year......



















Tweety Bird  is 60 years old!








































And what about all our other ....
CHILDHOOD
SUPERHEROES?
 

SUPERMAN  

 
Thor























  

 

Wonder Woman (touch of menopause here I think?)









 















Batman and Robin



SPIDERMAN

Thursday, March 3, 2011

A Real Man

by Sac Barb

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.

He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
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No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.......
Never mind.
CHEERS!