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Monday, September 5, 2011

Folks - Tell Me This Won't Happen To Us

by Shirley


IS THIS WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO???
 
SUPERSEX  
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE  
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE 
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all 
kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few     
times a week to play cards.
 
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
 
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING 
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on F3. Please be careful!"
 
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________
DRIVING 
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major cross road. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
 
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
 
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
 
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

32 comments:

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Splat!!

Lynn D said...

Morning Glories!

Shirley you seem to have dropped breakfast.

I think all of those are going to apply and soon. There are days when I can't remember my husbands name let alone Angels.

Looks like I will be calling a consulting nurse today. Glands are swollen up again. Yarrrrrrrgh

Zona said...

Good Morning!

SHIRLEY: Those were really funny! I can relate to the "Friends" one..BARB and DI can vouch for that..I can't remember anything anymore..and as for "Driving"..well..I have a feeling that given the chance..that would be me too..LOL!

LYNN: I sure hope you feel better soon!

Have a nice Labor Day everyone..stay safe! :)

Tinka said...

Good Morning Shirley - Thanks for the laughs. I liked the "Senior Driving" one the best. I don't know why because I actually had that experience many years ago. I pulled out of a parking lot and turned right as I had always done. I did not know they had changed that street to a 'one way'. There was no traffic coming until a light turned to green and four rows of cars came at me. It scared ten years off my life I think. It was a close call because I can't remember how I got out of the situation. I think my guardian angel took over. I still get the chills when I think of it. When four lanes are full there usually isn't anywhere to go. I couldn't even blame it on being a senior because I was only around 30 at the time. Now I don't drive anymore so the streets are probably safer.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

**rigs a bucket of water followed by a bag of flour to fall on the next Owl to enter**

He! He! He!

Morning Lynn D and Zona!

Tinka said...

Good Morning Lynn - I hope your swollen glands are just a temporary thing. We want you well so you can enjoy Emma. She is so sweet. I wish I got to see my baby grandson more often. Living in a different city makes it difficult. When my oldest two grandchildren were babies I had them here every day and loved it.

Tinka said...

Hey Shirley you hit me. What did I do to you my fellow Canadian? Did you feel the need to throw something today? It didn't hurt and brushed off easily. Tango and Tia are licking it off the floor. Now you go sit on the naughty mat and think about what you did. You wasted God's food.

Tinka said...

Good Morning Zona-My-Baby - You have a safe Labour Day too. Are you having a BBQ? We are taking it easy. We are both tired from being at the Fair. Jack walked for hours. I was driving but I am still tired and my legs and arms are sore. It was worth it though.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Sorry Tinka! You came in before I could stop it! You know I wouldn't harm a former Nova Scotian. We are too important to the global gene pool!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

**rigs another bucket of water and bag of flour**

Tinka said...

from area 51 -

Thank you Michael for explaining about freak shows. I never thought of it but of course it wouldn't be politically correct to display any deformity. Now go and apologize to Tina for what you said about her. You have been such a good boy since you wrote out ten nice things about her. Now you have taken 3 steps back.

Iteach - Thank you for telling me about your class. It's fun getting to know new kids isn't it?

Tinka said...

Have a Happy and Safe Labour Day all owls everywhere.

Tinka said...

Shirley - I knew that bucket wasn't meant for me. I bet it was meant for someone whose name starts with M or D or W or whoever he is today. LOL
Have a great day fellow Haligonian.

Michael said...

slinks in back door...

I saw the flour and water rigging....you have to get up pretty early in the morning to put one over one me hooligans!!

Tinka...Tina insulted me first!!! You wondered if there are still freak shows and Tina said..."I can tell ya theres a freak show in Bryan Tx!"

And besides...I gave her some knee highs this morning with the reinforced toe so she can wear em with sandals!

She should have to say something nice about me!!

I don't like the tone in here this morning and I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT so good day ladies!!

..heads out front door...SPLASH!! BLUMP!!...

Pega! Alguien va a pagar por esto! Rodarán cabezas! Es mejor que estar en los brazos de Dios, porque tu culo es mío!!!!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

**goes into the bathroom, takes the shower head off and puts blue dye in it**

He! He! He!

Tinka said...

Shirley - What are you up to now?

Tinka said...

Michael - I am sorry I didn't realize Tina insulted you first. I take back my words. Does that make you feel better?

Dianne/Denver said...

WELL I was just getting ready to take a shower but MICHAEL was in there as he was going on an appt and he came out with blue feathers everywhere!!!! Now, I'm not saying he didn't look attractive but better him than me. My shower was just fine.

TINK; Glad you had fun at the fair. It sure is different getting around on a scooter, isn't' it?

ZONA: Yes, you are becoming forgetful as we all are except you are just a young baby. Now who was that guy in that movie?

SHIRLEY: I loved the blog today. It was so funny and so almost true in some cases. I got a laugh out of all of them. P.S. Why is TINK all covered in white and what a mess on the owl floor.....j/s I';m not the cleaner upper this week.

LYNN: Get to a doctor. You have a party to be well for in a few days. Get better soon.

MICHAEL: Just a helpful hint....you may want to shower again before your appointment.....just a suggestion.

Tina~in_ut said...

lmbo....supersex~ thanks for the laughs Shirley~ and for being so beautiful today~

LynnD~ hope ur feeling better~

Zona~ DO YOU DRIVE?~

Tinka~ I have to tell you, you've been cracking me up lately....I've been telling my hubby all about you and the funny things you've been saying~

Michael dear~ ur hair looks magnificent today~ Simply luxurious~

Dianne~ Sorry ur broncos lost~

Tinka said...

Tina - I haven't meant to be funny. I guess it's the senility that is showing.

Tinka said...

Michael - Are you okay or are your feelings still hurt? I hope not.

Tinka said...

Dianne - The scooter is fantastic. It is so different from being in a wheelchair. On a scooter I feel like I am driving a Hog and can take on the world. I thought it would take up too much space at the fair but even though it is a big one with four wheels it manoeuvres very well. My granddaughter loves driving it.
I couldn't go to the Fair the last two years so yesterday was quite a treat.

Tinka said...

Shirley - Get your sweet tushie back to the nest and clean up the flour. One who messes is the one who cleans. Remember I was the victim here. Maybe the next time "the devil made me do it" you will think twice before listening to him. The nest hasn't looked this untidy since someone I know and love started throwing water balloons.

Tinka said...

What a lovely lazy Labour Day this has been. Hope it has been great for all my friend owls. I think I am gone for the night.

Tinka said...

25

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

**Acme Maid Service truck pulls up to Owl Manor. 10 hunky guys wearing only aprons get out with mops, pails and brooms**

Come on in guys! You can start up stairs in my...I mean the bedrooms. After you boys!

nice view from behind!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Thanks for all the comments today!
*yawn*
Guess I'll go to bed now. Nighty night Owls!

Tinka said...

Shirley - Thanks for getting the 10 hunky men to clean up the nest. I think there may have been benefits for you too.
Sleep tight and sweet dreams.

Tinka said...

Michael - Where did you go today? I hope you weren't abducted by aliens.

By the way for any of you who has forgotten your Highschool Spanish here is a translation of Michael's last words to us----.

"Someone will pay for this! Heads will roll! It's better than being in the arms of God because your ass is mine!"

The above is Michael's message not mine.

Tinka said...

30

Tinka said...

Good Night Friend Owls. I will leave you with a poem tonight.


THE END OF SUMMER

The summer days are fading, as they must
From endless hours to short and fleeting light
The bird's once bright, immortal tune, now cries
A melancholy aura to the dusk
The children fiercely climb, and dream, and race
Before their wild and unchained days depart
And yet beneath the zeal lies a half heart
For there isn't time, there's only enough space
The sun seems low, a hazy orange sphere
Now reminiscing sweetly of the days
When endlessly before you summer lay
And as in the deep, crimson dusk you stir
Your soul joins with the birds in wistful brood
Crying for lost summer days

Dianne/Denver said...

Night Owls everywhere.......I love the feel of fall in the air. Our temps dropped overnight from 98 to the 70's and it feels so good. ZONA: I saw on the weather tonight that you are only going to be 103 tomorrow. Shoot....you will probably be wearing a sweater, right?