Pages

Monday, September 26, 2011

A Laugh for the Day

by Shirley

A retired man goes to the social security office to apply for SS. The clerk asks him for his identification but he forgot it at home. The clerk says, "Unbutton your shirt." The man thought the clerk's request was a bit odd but he unbuttoned it anyway. The clerk says, "OK you're approved. The white hairs on your chest is enough proof for me." The man returns home and tells his wife about his experience. The wife says, "You should've dropped your pants. You would've gotten disability too!"
****************************
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
****************************
A psychiatrist conducted a group therapy session with four mothers. "You all have obsessions,". To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating and even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money and named your child Penny." He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol and you named your child Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving... LOL

42 comments:

Tina~in_ut said...

Good Moaning~

Tina~in_ut said...

Shirley~ that second one really makes me laugh!!! Thanks for sending it in~ :D

Zona said...

G'Morning!!

SHIRLEY: LOL!! I liked them all..especially the first one! Thanks for the laughs this morning!

TINA: Hellllooooo Gorgeous! I got the Savage Garden cd yesterday..their greatest hits..it's..well..great! Mr Z really likes them too..thanks for the Sunday vids that led to the purchase! :)

I've been up for almost 2 hours already..I don't know why I got up so early..especially since I didn't go to sleep until 1 am..but I have a feeling I'll be falling asleep in the ol' fadoo chair by noon..LOL!

Have a good day everyone!

Jodi said...

SHIRLEY - Thanks for the Monday morning funnies!! About spit my cawfee out on the third one!

TINA - Good moaning!! I was in the car and was listening to my fav morning hosts. Their question of the day is... The average person spends 34 minutes MOANING on Mondays as opposed to 22 minutes on the other days of the week. Why are you MOANING today??? About lost it when a listener called in and said that she was moaning because she has hemorrhoids, her period, and her hubby is 440 miles away!!! I don't know why, but this made me think of YOU ♥

Jodi said...

ZONA!!! I "slept" in til 4:30!! No OF chair for me today! Busy making appts before I leave next week. Dentist, tanning, eye dr, haircut!!!

Jodi said...

TINA - Love the song from yestiddy!! I had never heard it before, but love the lyrics!

Jodi said...

REALLY?!!? Just got a call from my youngest's school. He vomiting....I DON'T have time for this :/

Jodi said...

Oh, and my MIL is having hip replacement surgery this morning. ZONA do you have a candle for that?

Jodi said...

9

Jodi said...

10!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael said...

"Come on Dick...we're leaving"

thats very funny...VERY funny...

Jodi said...

MICHAEL - ummmm....nice spot!!

goldie said...

Hi Hooters!

Loved the funnies~especially the 'dick' one.

Jodi, hope #3 is better soon!
Hang in there.

Moaning about having to be at work today. Wish I was home snuggled up with a book instead....

Jodi said...

GOLDIE - A perfect day to hunker down with a good book!! He's doing ok...still looking a little green tho ;)

Michael said...

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity..) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans,monkeys and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig)..

Jodi said...

MICHAEL - Well aren't you a plethora of information today!! OMG...that lucky pig!!!

Mary/MI said...

Moanin Hooters!
Shirley you cracked me up today! Too funny!!

Zona, take a nap!!

Jodi, you must be getting so excited!! Sorry about your interrupted day..the best laid plans of mice & man lol!

Goldie, I'll "snuggle" for you :) wait, I have a busy day too! We are having our house resided so it will be noisy for a few days!!

Have a super day!!

Jodi said...

MARY!! Hope you survive all the "banging" ;)P

Michael said...

Yeah Mary! Bang bang bang!!!

blows wet tongue kiss to Mary...

Tina~in_ut said...

Miguelito~ that's a funny OLD joke~ :D

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Splat!

Afternoon Tina, Zona, Jodi, Michael, Goldie and Mary!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Glad you liked the funnies today! I thought they were cute so I passed them on!

Just_Lin said...

Tina Good moaning to you, good moaning to you. We're all in our places with sunshiney faces and this is the way we start a new day. Oh, crap. I'm not sunshiney at all. LOL

Just_Lin said...

Shirley Those were very funny. Thank you. Looks like you almost splatted on me.

Just_Lin said...

Zona I was up til 3:00 for no good reason at all. I never take naps so I guess I'll just be dragging for the last half of the day.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi Sorry your boy is sick today. Whatever you do, don't get it! Hope things go well today for your mother-in-law.

Just_Lin said...

Goldie That's probably what I should do.....curl up with a good book.

Just_Lin said...

Michael Maybe you should have a doctor look at that angry red sore at the end of your joy stick.

If men had 1/2 hour orgasms, they'd be sleeping for the next 7 days.

Just_Lin said...

Mary I hope that banging doesn't start too early in the morning. It's noisy enough here at the moment. The birds are squaking, big time. The Western Scrub Jays keep chasing away the Stellar Jays. Can't we all just get a long?

Michael said...

That sounds great J/L!! 30 minutes of orgasm and 7 days sleep! Yay!

That wasn't a sore...it was a cover up "dot"....this is photo 2....and there is a third....lol

Michael said...

Tina...

So is 95% of the content you use for blogs...whats yer pernt?

whabbear said...

With all this animal talk today, I thought this would be relevant. The best t-shirt I saw at the Folsom Street Fair yesterday:

Embrace the Bear. Beware the Pig.

Mary/MI said...

Justlin, it was raining today so the workers were a no show.

Went to the city with Son to get him a firmer mattress. His back has been killing him and has been sleeping in the Lazy Boy.He said he will be needing therapy for all the times we tested the beds lol!! He was so embarrassed when I would lay down next to him when he was trying them out!

Whabby, I a happy to say I have embraced "the Bear", and will stay clear of the pig lol!!

Have a good nite all *walks away while wiping her face*

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Thanks for the comments on the blog today! Nighty night owls!

iteach said...

Thank you Ms. Shirley for the laughs of today!

iteach said...

Here is a first, I had a student go home today because her head was covered with fleas.

Tina~in_ut said...

uteach~ that grossed the hubby out~ he figures they r prolly laying eggs in the kids' head~ ewwwwww~

Just_Lin said...

Fleas hop off and lay eggs in the environment. They are not laying eggs on the child.

Michael said...

but the flea can jump off the kid...lay eggs...and jump back on the kids head ... (see 12:38p info)

Was the kid scratching her head with her foot?

Just_Lin said...

Poor child is living in an infested home. Assuming her parents don't have her living in the dog house. Such things and worse go on.

Tina~in_ut said...

ya know....I'm not really familiar with fleas.....really...the closest I get to them is Michael and Belle....and they are a few states away~ ijs~

iteach said...

The poor child was scratching so bad she had tears in her eyes. I assumed lice, but no, fleas.