Monday, December 31, 2012

Christmas Dinner Invitation

by Dianne

Dear Family,
Re: Christmas Dinner

I'm not dead yet. Christmas is still important to me. If being in my
Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider
being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.  Not 2:15.  Not 2:05.  Two!!!   Arrive late and you get
what's leftover.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the porch off the house. This
year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the scoop
of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at
someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.
Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date
them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have
decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things.
Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but
I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1.    The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter
bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing
the first two. Parents can re- fill a child's cup when it is empty.
All of the cups will have names on them and I'll be paying close
attention to refills.

2.    Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if  your Jell-O salad
comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with
the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You've never been a good
cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy
something from the bakery.

3.    Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a
fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home,
they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

4.    Salad at Thanksgiving or Christmas is a waste of space. I cook
with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a
vegetarian doesn't change the fact that dressing without grease is
like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a
little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating
bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me.
I've outlived almost everyone I know.

5.    I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.  I do not like
video cameras. There will be 32 people here, and  I am sure you can
capture lots of memories without the camera being pointed at me.

6.    Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids.  I have nice things and I don't put them away just because
company is coming. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.

7.    Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has
lived too many lives. I  think that you staying home to care for your
cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives
too.  I can live with that. Can you?

8.    Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't
need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if
I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.
Really. This doesn't have to be difficult.

9.    Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's
true now that you have kids.

10.  The election is over so I'll watch what I say and you will do the
same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll
still have a good time but it will be at your expense.

     Merry Christmas,



Just_Lin said...

Happy New Year, HOoters!

Just_Lin said...

Did I scare everyone away?

Just_Lin said...

Dianne That was very cute. I could really relate to the part about having to throw away half-empty juice and sodas. Also, half empty water bottles. I seemed to do that quite often when my grandkids were here.

Mary/MI said...

Well! I never!!! I'll have you know my 45 & 46 yr olds have good manners!! :)
BBL I have some "tween time" gook in my hair and need to rinse before I forget!!

Zona said...

DI: That really made me laugh..I loved the part about the Jell-o salad! Someone I know would always bring raspberry jell-o salad to every holiday or birthday dinner..I guess it was good..almost everyone took some..except me it looked like a blood clot.. ;D

And of course.. ♫Red Solo Cup♫ ..yep..I saw it!! :D

J/LIN: You could never scare anyone away beautiful lady..even if you tried! :) Happy New Year to you too!

MARY: I bet your sons are wonderful! (I had to go back and re-read to figure out why you said that :D

JODI: Please pass the Emergen-C and green tea.. :/

I hope everyone has a safe New Year's Eve..and that 2013 is the best year evah for everyone! Swak!

Zona said...

Well dang me..that should have said HAPPY and safe New Year's distracted me! :D

sacBarb said...

Dianne, LMAO. That reminded of many family holiday dinners I've had here, especially about parents watching their kids. I also caught the ♫red solo cup♫. :-)

J/L, You are the prettiest today. I so agree with the half full soda cans and water bottles. I even had to throw away a lot of half empty water bottles when I had sorority here, and they are adults. I finally started buying the small bottles.

Zona, Red Jello salad would be better than the green one with a lot of unidentifiable stuff mixed in it. yucky!

Mary, I have never heard of 'tween time' gook, but I hope you got it out. Have fun at your gig tonight.

sacBarb said...

I echo Zona's sentiment of a happy and safe New Year's eve celebration for everyone. I like the idea of many cities and organizations providing a free ride home for the drinkers.

Dianne/Denver said...

Happy New Years Eve Everyone. Thanks for the comments on blog today.

JL, you are beautiful and still sporting our hairdo from yesterday morning. It will soon be the style if we keep it up.

I just came home from pt and a good workout. We are going to dinner with friends but not until later so I'm getting a load of wash done. It's trying to spit some snow out here...wish it would wait until later.

Our city is going crazy about the Broncos right now. You turn on the news and it is either fiscal cliff or Broncos!! And not always in that order. :).

Zona, will you be blowing your moose horn at midnight again this year? Can you take a picture of it or you doing it?

Barb, hope you have a good New Years and hope it is a healthy non-surgical one for all of us!! I love that red solo cup. I saw the cutest shirt with it on but I didn't think Louis would appreciate it.

Mary, have fun at your party/job tonight. Wish we could all attend and sing with solo cup!!!

Everyone have a good night. Jodi, what are you up to today? I know I read that you work early in the morning. Happy New Year.

Lynn D said...

Wishing all of you a safe and happy New Years Eve and a very Happy and Prosperous New Year! Love ya!

Dianne/Denver said...

Lynn..have a nice time at the beach

Just_Lin said...

Mary I guess you are spinning tunes now and helping people sing like their favorite recording artists.....or at least they think they are. LOL Hope it is a fun night and that you didn't forget anything else. Be safe on that drive home. Always watch out for the other guy.

Just_Lin said...

Zona You have a moose horn? I don't think I knew about that. Will it get blown at midnight?

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb The worst is jello with shredded carrot in it! The textures just do not mix well, imho. I did have a jello salad I really liked once. It seemed to have three layers. One layer may have included cottage cheese and another layer included cream cheese, I think. I should see if I can find that recipe on the web.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I have updated my hairdo today.....finally. I haven't been feeling up to par with shooting pains in my "bad" shoulder. I even took a nap which did not do wonders for the hair. I'm looking okay now, though. Don't know why I bothered since my dog doesn't care if my hair is funny. :)

Just_Lin said...

LynnD When are you heading to the beach? I know you are really looking forward to it.

Here's hoping we all have a better 2013. This past year seems to have had plenty of challenges for all of us.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Happy New Year Night Owls!!

Just_Lin said...

Shirley!!!!! I'm so happy to see you on this last night of 2012. I hope we see more of you in the coming year. Happy New Year!

Dianne/Denver said...

Happy New Year. I hope we all have a very safe and healthy new year.

Shirley, I too hope we see more of you this year. Miss you

JL, your hair style is lovely tonight. You must have used some product!!! Adorable. And yes, have Zona tell you about her moose horn she blows once a year. Quite a story...if you believe her.