Re: Christmas Dinner
I'm not dead yet. Christmas is still important to me. If being in my
Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider
being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two!!! Arrive late and you get
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those
contraptions and practically burned the porch off the house. This
year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the scoop
of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at
someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove.
Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date
them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have
decided that 47% of you don't know how to take care of nice things.
Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but
I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter
bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing
the first two. Parents can re- fill a child's cup when it is empty.
All of the cups will have names on them and I'll be paying close
attention to refills.
2. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other
way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if your Jell-O salad
comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with
the garbage. Save yourself some time honey. You've never been a good
cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy
something from the bakery.
3. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a
fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home,
they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
4. Salad at Thanksgiving or Christmas is a waste of space. I cook
with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a
vegetarian doesn't change the fact that dressing without grease is
like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a
little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating
bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me.
I've outlived almost everyone I know.
5. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car. I do not like
video cameras. There will be 32 people here, and I am sure you can
capture lots of memories without the camera being pointed at me.
6. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the
kids. I have nice things and I don't put them away just because
company is coming. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my things.
7. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has
lived too many lives. I think that you staying home to care for your
cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives
too. I can live with that. Can you?
8. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don't
need to bring anything means you don't need to bring anything. And if
I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said.
Really. This doesn't have to be difficult.
9. Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires a
battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's
true now that you have kids.
10. The election is over so I'll watch what I say and you will do the
same. If we all stick to that, we'll have a good time. If not, I'll
still have a good time but it will be at your expense.