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Saturday, November 8, 2014

Jokes That Can be Told in Church

by Dianne


Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why the groom wearing black?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, Please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 

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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

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A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He answered, "Call for backup." 

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A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked,"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" 

Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"

The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad."
 
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46 comments:

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Happy birthday!!!!!

Thanks for the blog, too.

sacBarb said...

Happy Birthday Dianne. ♥

Love the blog, especially the one about the commandments. ;)

Jodi said...

Happy Birthday DIANNE! I hope you are enjoying your day! Cute blog...thanks for the giggles :)

Jodi said...

Waving a wing at SLIN & BARB!

Jodi said...

Jake is really getting around well today. He even navigated the stairs and took a shower. Tomorrow I can change his surgical bandage. My nephew James is in town, so Jake and I are going to meet James and his Mom for breakfast in the morning.

Jodi said...

Almost time for Jake's last dose of meds for the night.

Good night HOoters ♥

Just_Lin said...

HOdi I'm really glad that Jake is doing so well. I just talked to my brother and he is doing well after his surgery, too.

Just_Lin said...

Barb I'm waving a wing at you. It was a beautiful day here today. I bought a new printer the other day because mine crapped out. The new one is still sitting here in the box. I'm such a procrastinator!

Dianne/Denver said...

Hi...thanks for the birthday wishes. I had a nice day. We went out Friday night with my brother and wife for dinner and today we went to a very large annual craft show. First lunch with my friend and her daughter and mine and then the show. I bought a few items and loved looking at things found some cool. Bronco earrings I got home kind of late so we just did a quick dinner we will do a nice dinner celebration one night this week Louis have me two charms for my bracelet, Tammy a gift certificate to Coach and my friend..a Coach wallet to match my new purse. Fun day.

Glad to hear Jake is getting around so well and feeling good. Sorry I missed your call...i was crafting! Let's catch up soon.

JL, thanks for the card. It arrived yesterday.

Went to Alamosa for two days for funeral. Really surprised my cousins that we came down there. Weather was good. It was a very small town he was buried from and the man was 94 years old. Quite Interesting strories about him.

Tomorrow my friend and I are going to Maggianos for our joint birthday meal. Guess I will miss some of the Bronco/Raider game. "Should be" easy game.

Jodi said...

DIANNE - Glad you got my message/song!! Enjoy your birthday dinner later today. I've never heard of Maggianos. Wonder if there is one close to me? Really looking forward to the Packer game tonight. We play the Bears at Lambeau! Always a big game.

Jodi said...

I just googled Maggianos. The nearest one is over an hour away. No wonder I had never heard of it!

sacBarb said...

Dianne, I celebrated my birthday with my family at Maggiano's, too. I had been to one in North Carolina when I was visiting my cousin about 10 years ago and I was so happy to see one opening here in September. We had a really good dinner and they brought me a plate of lemon cookies with a candle to celebrate. The cookies are not on the menu, but I would order them if they were, they were that good.

Just_Lin said...

Barb I had never heard of Maggiano's, either, until you mentioned it. We should go there the next time I visit.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I'm glad the card got to you on time. It sounds like you had a nice birthday and, to top it off, more Coach!

I watched close game today that my 49ers won in overtime against the Saints. Phew! It was touch and go for a little while there.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi How's Jake doing today?

I bought a new printer a couple of days ago and just now got it all set up with Wi-Fi. Yay!

Jodi said...

SLIN - Congrats on the 49er's win! Jake is doing well today. Only taking 1 hydrocodone at a time and stretching out past the 4 hour mark. He went with me to breakfast this morning. My nephew was in town and I wanted to see him since he will be in NYC for Thanksgiving. It was the first time Jake had been in a moving car since his surgery. It wasn't long after he took his morning dose of morphine and he got a little nauseous. He even spent a few hours at his best friend's house. I think he was getting a little stir crazy at home. He has his first pt appointment tomorrow afternoon.

Jodi said...

P.s. Congrats on getting your new printer set up!!

Jodi said...

DIANNE - Congrats on the Broncos win! Just settling in to watch the Packers play those Stinky Bears!! GO PACK!!!

Jodi said...

BARB - Love me a good lemon cookie. Reminds me of my Dad. Anything lemon was his favorite!

sacBarb said...

Jodi, I love lemon flavored anything, too. Next to chocolate, it's my fave.

sacBarb said...

J/L, We can definitely go to Maggiano's next time you're here! They also have a family style dinner that is an all you can eat and you can take home leftovers. It's more expensive than most of their menu, and when I was in North Carolina there were only three of us and my cousin ordered a boat load of food, which we couldn't finish of course, but we got to take it all home. It fed us for three days! We probably don't want to do that!

Just_Lin said...

Barb LOL No, I don't think we'd need enough leftovers to last 3 days.

Jodi said...

Big news of the morning....Jake pooped today! Yay!!! lol!!!

Just_Lin said...

HOdi I hope it wasn't painful. Been there, done that....

Jodi said...

Nope, not painful. Matter of fact, count is up to 3 times!

Just_Lin said...

HOdi I'm sure he'd love knowing you're sharing this news with your friends. LOL

Jodi said...

I know, right? I could be sharing on fb....*evil laugh*!!!!!

sacBarb said...

Jodi, Nice that you're sharing Jake's good news. Has he had his first PT session yet?

sacBarb said...

Tomorrow is another 'working on Christmas cards' day. One of the Jennifers has shingles, so the other Jennifer and I are on our own.

Jodi said...

BARB - Jake's pt went well yesterday. She looked at his incision, and put a few more steri strips on it. When I changed his dressing for the first time on Sunday, some of them came off with the dressing. His goal is to get his knee bent to 100° in a week, and he's already at 72°. We are shooting for him to go back to school on Thursday. Today I'm going to have him get online and work on the school work he was given.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi That's so cool that Jake can get his assignments online. Such a thing didn't exist when I was in school. God, that makes me sound like an old fogey!

Just_Lin said...

Barb Have fun working on your cards today. I guess that means I should start shopping for some. LOL

Just_Lin said...

It was a rough night last night. I had a very hard time getting to sleep and didn't until sometime after the dog had diarrhea in the kitchen at around 3:30. I did sleep a little while after cleaning the kitchen floor but was up with her before six walking her on a leash in the front yard while I was still in nightgown and robe. I couldn't just let her go out alone because it was still dark and I had seen a skunk nearby earlier in the evening. I think there may be a nap in my near future.

Jodi said...

SLIN - Sorry you had a rough night. I hope your dog is better today. I hope you got a nap in. Not much better day here. Tim stayed home with a severe stomachache and a bad headache. And not too long ago, Jake had it coming out of both ends. I'm seriously considering not sending him back to school until Monday. I will wait and make that decision tomorrow.

Jodi said...

Bad morning. Jake is done with the morphine, and his last hydrocodone was about 8 pm last night. He woke up briefly at 5 am. I should've given him a couple then, but he chose to go back to sleep. When he woke up at 7:00 he knee was screaming!! Poor kid. I hate seeing him in so much pain. But, lesson learned.

Just_Lin said...

Beef stew simmering on the stove and rain on the way. Ah, life is good.

I had a PT appointment today and I am doing great.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi I'm sorry to hear that Jake was in such pain this morning. Thank goodness for the meds.

Dianne/Denver said...

Jodi, hope Jake is better. Are you keeping him home until monday? Hope Tim is better too. Sounds like there was a lot of pooping going on last night and this morning.

Jl, is your dog well now too? I think poop and throwup might be why I never had a pet. I'm surprised I had two kids!!

Its bitter cold below zero here and snowy. I canceled my Wednesday plans and stayed home. Tonight we went to dinner and the movie with my x SIL and his
wife. We went to see the Space movie with Matthew McConahy (I dont know how to spell it). It was good but different. Kind of reminded me a little of Gravity. He's so dang cute though.

Barb, we got lemon cookies the other day too. Yum. Sorry about your friend having shingles...bad news.

sacBarb said...

J/L, I'm so happy for you that your shoulder is healing so well and you are getting your range of motion back. I hope Ursula is better, too.

sacBarb said...

Dianne, did you have the 'buy one and get one free' dinner at Maggiano's? We all had that when we went and I even took home half of my baked ziti, so I had dinner for another three nights. I really like that place.

sacBarb said...

Jodi, I hope Jake is doing better. When I had my knee surgery, the doc told me I shouldn't wait too long after the scheduled time to take my meds, because then it would take longer to take effect. They said I should keep it up for at least the first two weeks, then I could gradually go longer between doses.

sacBarb said...

Mary, are you home yet?

Jodi said...

SLIN - Nothing better than beef stew on a rainy day. Glad your pt is going so well!! Proud of you pretty lady for working so hard ♥

Jodi said...

DIANNE - We are shooting for Monday. He is actually going to go to "Saturday School" tomorrow. It's only for 2 hours, and I think it will be good to get back in the mindset. Plus he hasn't done as much work at home as I had hoped.

Jodi said...

BARB - We were able to keep better control of the pain yesterday. Big lesson learned. How did the card making day go?

Jodi said...

Looks like MARY is somewhere over the Atlantic this morning. Check in when you can!!!