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Saturday, November 21, 2015

Letter from Grandma


by Dianne


 
Dear Family,
 
 
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05.
Two. Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
 
 
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
 
 
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
 
 
Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your
problem to deal with.
 
 
House Rules: 1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.
The television stays off during the meal.
 
 
 
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter Bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
 
 
 
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey.
You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
 
 
 
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it
 
 
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacongrease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
 
 
 
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
 
 
 
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
 
 
 
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.
 
 
 
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the Kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
 
 
 
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
 
 
 
11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat:You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
 
 
 
12. Dominoes and cards are better than anything that requires
a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
 
 
 
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed. The election is over so I’ll watch what I say about the bastard, and you will do the same. If we all stick to that, we’ll have a good time. If not, I’ll still have a good time but it will be at your expense.
 
 
In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.
 
 
 
I really mean all of the above.
 
Love You,
 
Grandma

32 comments:

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Thanks for the blog. Good stuff! I totally agree about the salad on Thanksgiving.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi Be careful out there on those back roads!

Jodi said...

DIANNE - Love Grandma's rules! I am working on Thanksgiving, so all I really have to do is show up with my requisite green bean casserole.

Jodi said...

SLIN - Prettiest in all the blog! Glad I left when I did this morning. The roads sucked, but I just took it slow and steady and made it there safe.

Mary/MI said...

AHA! I found you lol!

Loved the blog Dianne! We don't have little ones on Thanksgiving anymore. The adults are bad enough lol! Not really, just irks me when they eat and run! I have never had anyone help clean the kitchen. The excuse I usually hear is " I know you like to do things your way". Really?? Now that I am "ahem" older, I hope things will be different this year!

Man we really got dumped on today! I think Zoie is the only one liking the snow!
She gets off pissing in it lol! She runs in circles and looks so funny!!

JL, breast meat is my favorite too. If there is too much dark meat left, I just call a lady I know who loves dark me. She comes over for any leftovers.She lives alone and looks forward to it every year.

I can smell popcorn popping...........

Just_Lin said...

HOdi I don't even like to drive in heavy rain. Icy streets would scare me.

I didn't wake up today until nearly 11:00. I slept for a good 9 to 9 1/2 hours. I guess I needed it. Feeling pretty good today. I haven't had a temp for a week now and my sinuses have slowed down their production of "stuff". I think I'll be okay to get my flu shot this week. I wish I would have done it in October.

Just_Lin said...

Mary Maybe you should start using paper plates and paper cups. It's not right that you do all the work and host the dinner and then have to do all the clean-up, too. I'd be giving the evil eye to Jim and your son about that, too. You should put them on alert that they need to be much better helpers or you will not be cooking the dinner next year.

Jodi said...

Waving a wing with my jammies on. I got all my laundry done after work yesterday, so I'm having a "lazy" day!!

Jodi said...

MARY - How rude!! I'm with SLIN. Paper plates all the way!!

Jodi said...

SLIN - I've had a couple of naps today. Feels good!!!

Jodi said...

DIANNE - Congrats to the Broncos on beating those Stinky Bears!! I just hope we can do the same on Thanksgiving at Lambeau!

Mary/MI said...

JL,Matthew helps a lot! Jim will pick up his plate and rinse it off. That only took 30 yrs to teach lol!

Our Lions won again, not that it makes one stinkin' difference! Oh well, there is always next year! :(

Hodi,I wanted to take a nap so bad today! I talked myself out if it! I hate this time of year! All I want to do is hibernate!

I made a pot roast with taters and carrots. Jim & I took the dogs for a walk. I carried Zoie part of the way back. I was afraid her little paws were too cold.

I think I will follow Jodi and get my jammmies on :)

Dianne/Denver said...

Just home from Tammys pre-Thanksgiving dinner. It was so yummy. Just us and the kids and her boyfriend did most of the cooking. The turkey was sooo moist. I went to Village Inn and picked up a pumpkin pie. We even brought home some turkey. That dinner hit the spot after watching the Broncos beat the Bears with our back up quarterback.

Louis finished decorating and I wrapped some more during the game. I'm pretty caught up until Amazon starts delivering again this week. Lol

Mary, I got some really nice plastic plates and nice sturdy silverware at SAMs. My friend picked it up for me. It looks just like real dishes only you toss them. It was $23 for the whole thing for serving of 14. I bought a set to be used at my brothers Thursday and a set for when my kids come over for gift giving dinner (as my sweet DIL calls it).

Jodi, I hope you win on Thanksgiving too. You know I'll be wearing my tassels. I hope they don't dunk into the gravy!!

I love naps some.....well a lot of days.

JL, glad u r feeling better. I like those long deep sleeps and yes, you must have needed it.
I hope I can get to addressing my Christmas cards the next week or two. That's always a huge relief to have those done.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi Were those two naps just naps or was there a "nap" in there? *wink* *wink*

Just_Lin said...

Mary I was thinking about your pup's poor paws when I saw the snowy pic you posted on FB. I would think that would be a concern. Would she wear boots?

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I'm jealous that you already got to have a turkey dinner. I'm looking forward to it. I don't know why I don't think to make a turkey dinner at any other time of year. I guess having it just once a year makes it all the more special, though.

Mary/MI said...

JL,I tried boots on her. She was not impressed lol! I have enough trouble keeping her coat on!

Dianne, those plates sound great! I think I will hop over to SAMS tomorrow. My membership may have expired!

Dianne/Denver said...

Mary, let me know if you find them. I think they really look nice. Bad news Mary and Jodi....big snow coming and freezing temps. It starts here Wednesday night and goes off and on thru Friday. Not looking forward to it at all. It's going to be in the teens ...brrr

Got rid of my gray today and then told my hairdresser goodbye. She totally understood why I don't want to drive so far and gave me someone's name over here. It was sad hugging her good bye after 30 years. We've been through a lot together. Now to try someone new...scary!! Wonder what color my hair will be on Christmas?

My uncle took us out for both of our birthdays to Olve Garden. They even gave us free dessert with a candle. Yum. I went for my diabetic checkup today with a clean bill of health. Yippee. I gave dr some drug names that need to change to generic with Medicare starting for me. I'm going to get a book ...Medicare For Dummies.

Well, that's it today. I get my wires taken out tomorrow and boy am i looking forward to that and a shower.

Just_Lin said...

Mary If you actually "hop" I want someone to take a vid of it for us. LOL

It's raining today. The dog doesn't like it. I got her to go out long enough to do her morning pee but she didn't do her morning poop. :(

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Having your wires taken out makes it sound like you are a robot. LOL

Friday I got my hair dyed but decided not to have it cut. We shall see how long I can take it before my hair is driving me nuts. I like the length right now. Maybe you could have your hair done red AND green for Christmas. :)

Mary/MI said...

JL, I haven't "hoped" in years lol! I had Zoie out this morning in her enclosed area. Just as she was about to do her thing, a gun shot rang out! She made a bee line for the house. I had to leash her to get her out again.I will be so glad when deer hunting season is over!

Dianne, I found some plates with deer decorations on them. I didn't get them because I would have to buy waaaay to many! I will look in other stores tomorrow.
I am not looking forward to the arctic weather you will be blowing my way!! It is supposed to be in the 50s on Thanksgiving day :)

Dianne/Denver said...

Mary, my dishes don't have deer on them. They are decorated like China. How many are you having over? It's going to be 30's here on thanksgiving and 20's next day. Sunday night football game will be cold. Peyton is out for next two games at least.

Got those pesky wires out today. Finally a shower!!!

Dianne/Denver said...

Hey.where are you Mary, Barb, JL, Jodi? I know you're not all cooking today so come out and play!!!

It's rating freezing drizzle right now, snow by morning. High maybe 19 brrr...might even have to wear a coat...not my favorite thing to do.

I had an early dinner tonight with a friend I hadn't seen for 20 years. She lives in Texas
Boy, did we have a lot of catching up to do for 2-3/4.hours. I really knew her parents more than I did her. Her mom has passed away and her dad is in a nursing home. Sad. It was a lot of fun to see her.

Louis picked up my pies for tomorrow's dinner. I'm all set. I'll set my alarm early to watch the parade. Im even listened to Christmas music in the car today.

Well, a Happy Thanksgiving to you all

sacBarb said...

Hi Dianne. How nice that you got to catch up with your friend. I am going to Dean's tomorrow. Dean doesn't like his wife's stuffing so I am again making my sausage stuffing. It really isn't as good when it isn't made in the turkey, but it's still better than my DIL's. Her's is very bland. It's all in what you grew up eating, plus traditions are hard to break. Todd wife Vicki makes my and her Mom's stuffing too.

sacBarb said...

Mary, it sounds like you are having a big crowd. I hopw you get help with the clean-up.

sacBarb said...

J/L, What are you doing tomorrow? I hope you aren't going to be alone.

sacBarb said...

Jodi, Are you cooking for Thanksgiving?

sacBarb said...

Have a great day tomorrow, everyone. I am having in-laws again this weekend so I may be MIA again. I am so lucky that I am in the middle of wherever they travel to-from so I am a convenient motel stop for overnight - cheap, too. They were here last weekend for the 'going to' part of the trip and this weekend is the 'going back home' part.

Dianne/Denver said...

Barb, you need to hang a sign outside saying no vacancy!!!

I like stuffing with sausage too. I us d to make it that way. We will be having my sister in laws and it's all cornbread...Not my favorite. I love that part the best of the whole dinner. My pies from a Village Inn look pretty good too.

I think JL said she'd be home and was making a turkey breast for herself and for left overs too. Jodi is going to in les and working and bringing green bean casserole. I think I have them all straight. I can't believe I remember!

Have fun at Dean's and with your company.

Jodi said...

Happy Thanksgiving HOoters!!

Green bean casserole update. My MIL called on Tuesday and said she would make it since I'm working today. So I'm bringing a couple of things to snack on. I found a lovely Pumpkin/Pecan Butter at the Mustard Museum a couple of weeks ago. It is great with graham cracker cinnamon pretzels! I also found a really good cranberry mustard to dip with pretzels. I buy the Butter Spindles made by Old Dutch. Yummy!!!

Jodi said...

New blog!

Jodi said...

New blog!