Sunday, July 9, 2017

I've Found Religion!

by Dianne

A  married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I  almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What  do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said,  'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said,  'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that  woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied,  'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'


Catholic  Dog

Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin’ a mass for the poor  creature?'

Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal  in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no  tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet  Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya’ tell me the dog was Catholic?


An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am  92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two  hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man:  'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you  telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old  . . .   I'm telling everybody!'

   Brothel  Trip

An  elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a  young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and  asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he  says.

'90?'  replies the woman. 'Don't you realize that you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the  old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

------------------------------------------------------------    Pest  Control

A  woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a  pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom  together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,'  said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious  and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the  closet. 'Who  are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said  the exterminator.
'What  are you doing in there?' the husband asked.

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your  clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at  himself and said, 'Those little bastards! '

   Stress  Reliever

Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well. that's because we aren't married yet.'

 Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mum: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'


A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman  replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'


A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Husbands Are Husbands

A  man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head  with a frying pan.

 'What  was that for?' the man asked.

The  wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Betty on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’

 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week,Betty  was the name of the horse I bet on.'

 The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him  unconscious.

  Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

  Wife  replied, 'Your horse phoned!'


Dianne said...

Oh gosh, I even thought those were funny. I sent them long ago. It's probably not polite to laugh at your own jokes.

How's everyone doing? Nsent to lunch with a friend and now home and bored. Louis went shooting. I have a bunch of clothes I ordered to try on but keep putting it off. I will do it this afternoon as I have to take some back on Wednesday. Boring life!!!

sacBarb said...

Well I went to Carmax to check out the Rogue from Santa Rosa and it had such a strong odor of smoke, I didn't even test drive it. I sat in it for about five minutes as Peter was telling me about the features and my nose already started to get stuffy so I said there was no need to even test drive it because I couldn't stand the smoke. I knew a smoker had owned it before and that there was a smoke odor, but I was hoping that it would be mild and it would be OK. So there was another one in Fresno on the web site and Peter is having it transferred to Sac. I'll go back on Thursday. I looked at a Toyota Rav4 and a Cherokee, but they didn't have the features I wanted.

Dianne said...

It's good you are looking at everything until you find what you want. Smart gal!

Dianne said...

I wouldn't want a smokers car either!! Stinky

Mary/MI said...

SacBarb, I can't believe they didn't clean out the car! I hate riding with Jim. He smokes and thinks opening his window a bit keeps the smoke out! Wrong! I notice the stink the minute I get in!

Dianne, those jokes were hilarious!!
My eyes are ok. I don't have to go back for 6 months! Yay! I ordered new glasses with a slight change in my prescription.

It was a boring week-end. I never left the house. I did make a meatloaf, mashed taters, home made biscuits, and creamed corn.

Jim's birthday was Fri. He went to the Casino again. I made him a T-bone dinner when he got back. I had ordered a cake for him and picked it up the day before his birthday. I had my air conditioning on in my Jeep, and only made one quick stop.I brought a small bag of ice and laid it next to it hoping to keep it from melting. It has been horribly hot here!When I got home the frosting was already running! I took it into the basement where we have a freezer and left it in there overnight. It took it out & I let it defrost before Jim got home. It looked a bit weird with some of the frosting down the sides.He didn't seem to notice lol.

Dianne said...

Mary, it's really hot here too...high 90's I don't like it that hot. We're supposed to get in 80's middle of the week. I like 70's. Did Jim win for his bday? Hope so. You are such a little cook. If I lived by you I'd be there for dinner every night!! I wouldn't be like jims friend though, I'd bring something and leave early. You always make me hungry. I only had a big salad with chicken for lunch and popsicles and pretzels snd three bites of potato salad. Lunch usually holds me but not just salad too much. Lots of water and I ice tea too.

Barb, I'm too a. Surprised they didn't clean car for you first. They will never sell that car.

I did try all,my clothes on this afternoon. Went down a size in tops so that's fun.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne LOL @ you laughing at your own jokes. They were good ones. Since you hadn't seen them in a while they were probably like new again. I watched a comedy special a few weeks ago that I had actually seen before but it was still hilarious to me. A good joke is a good joke.

Congrats on going down a size. That must make it all worth while to be drinking water and tea instead of Coke. I love iced tea and have it almost every day. I only like lemon in it, though. No sugar. I don't like it sweet at all. To me, it's not refreshing that way.

Just_Lin said...

Barb Well, boo on the stinky car! You are doing such a good job of really investigating your choices before making your decision. At least you know the features you really want. That's half the battle.

I had a good time at my painting class on Saturday but when I got home I saw notice on FB that my school friend had passed away. I was already in a funk about her in hospice care and this news put a pall over my weekend. We weren't close but I feel really bad about this. She was very active, joining travel groups and also going to a lot of music venues. I'm glad she had so much fun with her friends, especially while retired and she had the time to do it. Her two kids seem like great people. They are from different fathers and she raised them entirely on her own. She did a great job.

Just_Lin said...

Mary I'm glad Jim's cake frosting didn't run all the way off! I guess there was no chance of getting him an ice cream cake. LOL

I love a good meatloaf. That's something I haven't made in quite a long time. Leftovers are so tasty in a sandwich. I keep sabotaging my attempts at weight loss by thinking of all these comfort foods, especially lately. It's like food porn. LOL I am losing weight a tiny bit at a time but I know I could do better if I didn't keep rewarding myself. LOL

Dianne said...

Well. I'm so excited I can't hardly stand it. I bought a bunch of tops in two different sizes. Took them back today and picked out four new tops in smaller size. i didn't try them on until a few minutes ago and they all fit!! I can hardly believe it. This is huge for me. Still,miss. Ole, but you're right JL,,it makes it worth it.

JL, I'm very sorry about your friend. It's always so sad even if you aren't close. It our age era and it is sad and kind of scary I think. Again, I'm very sorry.

JL, , ww says a pound a week. I wish I would do that every week. I love comfort foods too and now I'm hungry for meatloaf.

Barb, did your car come in yet? I can't remember when you said it would be here. What color are you looking at too. My car is bright red. I like it as it's easy to find in a parking lot.

Mary, plans this week? I'm glad your eyes are good now.

Dianne said...

I just saw the message regarding a Heidi. It is horrible and I feel so sad and bad for her and the family. Awful that this just comes on a person so fast. I simply don't know what else to say

sacBarb said...

The car should be here Wednesday and I have an appointment for Thursday. Carmax does a good job detailing the cars before they put them on the lot, but smoke is very hard to get out and this car was so bad I don't think it will ever smell good. It was $1,000 less than other cars of the same year and with the same features and I guess it's because of the smoke odor. The car that I'm looking at on Thursday is grey with black and white interior.

I was shocked to read about Heidi. It really makes me sad. That family has been through so much with Matt and now this.

sacBarb said...

J/L, I'm so sorry about your friend. I was very shaken when Sorority Sharon died suddenly. She was eight months older than and it really kit me. I guess it was because she lived alone. She was found because she missed a doctor appointment and the doctor's office called her house and got no answer. I don't think most doctor's offices would call a patient because they missed an appointment, but the nurse was a friend of Sharon's daughter and she called the daughter when she couldn't get hold of Sharon, so the daughter sent her husband to her house. I still think about it and it makes me sad.

sacBarb said...

Mary, Reading your posts almost always makes me hungry. I love meatloaf, too, but I don't cook it just for me. I should because, like J/L said, it is good left over.

When I got home from looking at that cat, I could still smell smoke and I thought it was in my imagination. Then I put my hand up to my face and the smell got stronger and I figured it was my hands that stunk from being on the steering wheel. I did get in the car and I put my hands on the steering wheel. I was going to do a test drive, but after only a few minutes I told Peter there was no use even going around the block, because I couldn't get past the smell. My husband smoked and still I have never smelled such a strong smoke odor.

sacBarb said...

I see I didn't proof read very carefully. I looked at the CAR not the car! LOL

Dianne said...

Barb, is Sharon the person that used to go to the blog things with you? I didn't realize she'd passed away. When did that happen? Gosh, I'm sorry.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne No, it wasn't Barb's chaperone, Sharon, that passed away. "Chaperone" Sharon is helping Barb car shop.

Dianne said...

Ok thanks. I got them mixed up

sacBarb said...

Dianne, J/L is right. Sorority Sharon is the one that passed away.

Just_Lin said...

Hi, HOoters. I've been in a bit of a funk. First, the passing of my school friend, Barbara, and now the news about Heidi. This just really sucks, big-time.

The other day I went and bought more art supplies for painting. Now I really just need to actually do it. I seem to always find excuses not to. One more thing I should get is I should go to a dollar store and get a plastic table cloth to put on my dining room table so I can paint there. It occurred to me last night that I could probably use some of my many rolls of old wrapping paper to cover my table to protect it when working on it until I find the table cloth. I'd have to anchor it with heavy objects or tape it down. You know how those papers want to keep rolling up. That could get really, really messy. A fellow art student and I were laughing the other day about how she used latex gloves to keep from getting paint all over her hands but then discovered she had paint on her face, her neck, and in her hair! LOL

Dianne said...

Well Barb, did you get the car today? You're making me want a new car and it's not time yet I did put a call into my leasing guy just to see what was out there. Which one did you like best..,the Rogue? Always fun to get a new car.

JL, I feel like you do regarding Heidi. I we all do. It's tragic. Just had an acquaintance pass away Saturday suddenly. She went to the drs not feeling well and was diagnosed with liver and kidney issues. Everything just shut down. She was only recently 70. Sad things

Ok now you need to get busy on your painting. It's like riding my bike. I haven't been on it since vacation and I need to get back on it. I had another loss yesterday so getting on that bike is needed.

Hi Mary.....

Mary/MI said...

Hi gals. I too have been in a funk. Life can be so unfair! We have lost fairly young people around here. I can't help but notice that most had been going through some kind of high stress times before being diagnosed with something. Stress can be a big factor in many illnesses. Heidi has had her share with her son and losing her Mother. Each of us have to work hard at lowering our stress levels, includes painting,traveling, crafting etc.

Justlin, buy a cheap shower curtain for your table and paint away!!!

Dianne, keep on WW & traveling!

Barb, ride that new car and keep posting :)
I love hearing from all of you!!

Dianne said...

New blog