~ What Does The Fox Say? ~

by Tina~in_ut

When my friend told me about this song yesterday, it had 11.2 million hits. Now it has 13.3 million as I post it. My son says he's going to teach his kids this song instead of Old McDonald's Farm. Crazy!!!

World's Scariest License Plate Number:

by Sac Barb

One could try to pass her, but I certainly 

wouldn't honk the horn!

THIS COULD BE US SOMEDAY

by Dianne

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember .. 

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 

'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.  

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.' 

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. 

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 

'So I hear you're getting married?' 

'Yep!' 

'Do I know her?' 

'Nope!' 

'This woman, is she good looking?' 

'Not really.' 

'Is she a good cook?' 

'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 

'Does she have lots of money?' 

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 

'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 

'I don't know.' 

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'  

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 

'Twelve thirty.' 


 
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

~ Wake Me Up ~

by Tina~in_ut

Smile!

by Sac Barb

Just before the funeral services, 

the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

                                                                                 *

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

                                                                                 *

The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.

                                                                                 *

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, 

and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

                                                                               *

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
*
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
*
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
*
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing.

GO GREEN.....RECYCLE CONGRESS!!

~ Truly Amazing Teacher ~

by Tina~in_ut

Roadside Assistance

by Sac Barb

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully get out of the car and open the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars start slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic starts backing up. Everybody is tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He gets out of his car and starts walking towards me.. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here? '

'My car has a flat tire', I said calmly..

'Well, what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road? '

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,

'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!