Irish Humor

by Dianne

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.  However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.  Below is a perfect example of those teachings . . .

   

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs

 

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

 

'Of course child.  What may I do for you?'

 

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.  It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it.  Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

 

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

 

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

 

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

 

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.  Next please!'

Marriage in Heaven

by Dianne

On their way to be married, a young couple was killed in a car accident.  The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.  While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly be married in Heaven? 

 

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.  Let me go find out," and he left. 

 

The couple sat and waited, and waited.  Two months passed and they were still waiting.   As they waited, they discussed two questions.  

 

If they were to be married in Heaven, what would be the eternal aspect of it all? 

 

What if the marriage doesn't work, they wondered.  Will we be stuck together FOREVER?

 

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. 

 

 "Yes," he informed the couple, "you CAN be married in Heaven." 

 

"Great!" said the couple,  "But we were just wondering.  What if things don't work out?   Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?" 

 

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 

 

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. 

 

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a PRIEST up here!  Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a LAWYER?"

Help Line for Men

by Dianne

“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”

“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.

“Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse and then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

“It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.  Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?”

Best Senior Pick-up Line

by Dianne

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid nineties.

He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well looked after image.

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Georgia Grandma

by Dianne

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

 

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

 

He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

 

She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

 

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

 

The defense attorney nearly died.

 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 
“If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”

~ Wasn't Expecting That ~

Irish Alzheimer's

by Dianne

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

 

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

 

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father.   A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and I  figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

 

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit  Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."