PATSY, THE ITALIAN FUNERAL DOG

by Dianne

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash.

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

''What happened to him?"

"He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The Italian woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The woman replied, "Get in line."

HEALTH MESSAGE FOR THE RETIRED

by Sac Barb

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking is good for your health, the mail carrier would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.

My Punkin!

by Lynn D

 
 

Choosing A Wife

by Dianne

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
 

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
 

Men are like that, you know.

 

 

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Children Are Quick

by Sac Barb

Especially for the school teacher Owls.....

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand...
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's...Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

~ Die Young ~

by Tina~in_ut

I have been obsessed with this song lately.....and then I saw the video....yuck....so this one will do~

British Humor

by Sac Barb

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers.

 

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER

8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog.

 

FREE PUPPIES

 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED

 
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

 

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!

Must sell washer and dryer £100.00

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE

Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

**** And the WINNER is... ****

 

FOR SALE BY OWNER

 Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200.00 or best offer.

No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything

~ Help Wanted ~

by Tina~in_ut

So....who wants to take over posting the blog everyday? I'm ready to pass the baton. I've been ready. I only kept it up this long for Michael. The hubby wants me to pass it on to someone else, too. I don't mind helping someone else with is, but it's just too much for me to keep up with. So who's it gonna be?!~

I Am Thankful For......

by Tina~in_ut

.....the 5 years and 2 months I knew my friend Michael~

This is the first picture I ever saw of Michael. It was on "DeeDee's" Myspace page. I told "her" he looked like an asshole! lol~ "She" said that he was a dear friend! (rolling eyes!....I was right! lol!) 

.....my husband and children for understanding enough to let me go see Michael when he was sick~

.....Mike's fabulous sisters who kept me updated on how he was doing every step of the way. I made a blanket for Michael, and when it arrived, Janet helped him open the box and had him call me. It was the last time I would talk to him.(Oct 5th) He laughed and told me that Janet cried when she saw it. I could tell that he was having difficulty talking and comprehending at that point, but Janet was there to help him. Vicki is the one who called me to tell me that Michael was gone. We both cried, of course. She asked me if I wanted my blanket back. I didn't and she didn't want it either. She asked if it was okay to bury him with it.....and I immediately said, "Yes! Please do!" What she didn't know was.....the whole time I was making it, it's what I really wanted....I just couldn't ask~ I don't think I could have gotten thru this without them to talk to about their crazy brother~

Vicki*, Janet**, and friend out golfing~

 

I promised Janet:
*pretend there's a mustache on Vicki~
**pretend Janet is in lights~

.....all the phone calls, texts, and e-mails from all of you checking to see if I was okay~ I didn't want to be on the blog or on the phone or e-mail until I could go a full day without crying~ Now if I cry, it's usually because of something that made me laugh or something I would have wanted to tell him. I think Dianne's latest e-mail was the sweetest....and Mary's e-mail made me laugh and laugh! About a week after the Vote video posted, I got an e-mail from Mary, urging me to come back and comment on the blog, and even post something else instead of that dang Vote video! She was just as upset as I was that Nobama won again, but it was no reason to take a break from the blog! You should have seen my eyes bug out! I had to read her note again to make sure I read it right! I mean yeah, I was upset and in shock that he won again....but I got thru 4 years of his mess....and I'll get thru 4 more! A day or two later, I got another note from Mary. Someone finally told her~ Thank you, whoever that was~ Thank you everyone~

.....the fact that Michael's with his Mother and at peace. Janet was kind enough to send me a picture of their mother. I asked Michael for one over and over and he said he didn't have one. I think Janet is the spitting image of her.....beautiful~

.....my friends Jeramie and Jennifer. They have been so good to me and listened and checked on me. Jer bought me cookies to cheer me up~ They've both been really sweet~

.....kodak moments~

July 4th?

1991~

He always loved Halloween~

With Lisa~

With Britton and Alivia

At the Handy Snap~ I actually got to go there with him~

.....being able to share this with you~ When I went to see Michael in August, I didn't tell him I was coming. I was afraid I wouldn't make it on the plane and I knew he didn't feel well. So when I did land in Houston, I started to get nervous. I still had an hours drive ahead of me and I didn't know where he was that day. I had told him not to go to the doctor's office (cuz I figured I'd take him the next day, but he didn't know that!). So when I got to Bryan, I checked into my hotel, and drove straight to the house, and called him! NO ANSWER! I didn't want to knock on the door. I didn't want him to be out and to have to explain who I was to Anna and Douglas. So I drove around town and he finally called. HE WAS PISSED!!!!! He went to the doctor's office and then to Chick-fil-a and the line was 45 min long because it was Chick-fil-a appreciation day. He was starving and it was the only thing he could eat that would stay down. He went on and on...and then I interrupted him and asked him which one he was at. He paused and you could tell he was thinking I was an idiot! But he finally told me he was at the one on Briarcrest. I immediately put that in my GPS and made a U turn! I kept him talking. He was going to go to Kroger instead and get a cheesecake because he wasn't about to wait 45 min for food! I was on the freeway by then and 2 miles from Chick-fil-a. I saw a sign for Kroger at the next exit. I asked him if Kroger was in the same parking lot as Chick-fil-a. He stopped talking again and prolly thought I was on crack! He said no, it was the next exit up! I immediately got off the freeway, but calmly told him that I was just asking cuz I wanted to know if the line had gone down and if not, I'd call in a bomb threat and when everyone left, he could be first in line when everyone came back~ He didn't think that was too funny~ He also had to get off the phone so he could shop! I let him....I had to find him anyway~ :D

I hurried and parked at Kroger and ran into the store to look for a man in a motorized wheelchair/buggie thingy in the bakery section. No one. I went through the whole store. No one. I knew what he looked like. He wasn't there. I started to think.....I bet there is a Kroger at the exit in the other direction! I hurried out to my car. I was going to exit the parking lot when I realized I needed to go in the opposite direction. I turned around and was driving past the front of the store when I had to stop for a car that was going to turn in front of me to park. I looked at the driver. It was Michael. I went to park, but had to turn around because someone had taken my parking space. I again had to stop to let someone enter the store. It was Michael. He was sooooo tall. And soooooo thin. He had trouble walking. He had told me that he had trouble feeling his legs and feet, and you could tell. NO CRYING! UR ON A MISSION!!!

I parked my car and went inside. There he was.....sitting in the bakery section turned away from me waiting for his cheesecake. I walked up behind him and said, "You really should just buy one piece and not the whole thing!" He turned his head slowly. His mouth hung open and his eyes bugged out! But he wasn't really surprised.....well, he was.....but he said it wasn't weird.....if that makes sense. He said we've talked so many times while one of us was shopping that it was like normal. So we shopped. He stopped once, looked up at me and said, "You're not fat!" I looked down at him and said, "You're still an asshole!" We laughed and finished shopping.

Michael went home after that and I went to get his food. I did wash his sheets and make his bed. He had told me the night before that he felt disgusting in his bed, but he was too tired to do his wash. And contrary to popular belief....I did not dust!~ We talked outside for hours. I must have looked like death warmed over. I had been up since 2:30am because I worked a half day that morning. I told him to call me the next day when he was up and ready and I would take him wherever he needed to go. He wanted to have fun and I wanted to take him to get his errands done! We compromised.

We went to the cemetery (i wanted to go there!) and Texas A&M. Then we went to his insurance office and then to his doctor. We were at the doc's office for 4 hours! He was exhausted by the time we left there. Here's a picture I took of him after 2 hours.

This is the second picture I took. The one where I told him to smile~

I thought I would just drop him off after we got back, but he wanted to talk some more. We talked until late, too. He couldn't believe how good he felt. I thought for sure he'd hit a wall the next day, and I think he did. But for a day and a half, he felt good. When I finally left, I think I made it all of about 4 yards before I burst into tears. It hit home what my dad will go through. At least my dad has family to take care of him. Michael didn't have anyone taking care of him.....not really. That's why I was so glad his sister's came to get him. All I wanted to do was go home and see my husband and talk to him about all of it. I'm glad I went, but it was so, so sad~

I took this video of Michael while I was driving. He had to have his own music, so we played his CD. I didn't care for most of it. I only liked the songs from Les Mis~ I showed him the video. He said it depressed him. He didn't like how he looked at all. So, of course, I told him to cut his hair.....it might help!~ I've gone back and forth about whether to post it or not. Janet left it up to me. After much agonizing, here's Michael~ (he'll prolly haunt me now!)

~ Happy Thanksgiving ~

VOTE!!!

by Sac Barb

~ Bring Him Home ~

by Tina~in_ut

~ Mark Lowry ~

by Tina~in_ut

Share a Coke

by Sac Barb

~ Bronco Bamma & Mitt Romney ~

by Tina~in_ut

4:45am....I was going to bed.....and this came on the news.....I laughed so hard....out loud I said...."and that's today's blag!~ Good Moaning~



A Colorado mom captured her daughter's sobbing response after hearing about the election one too many times. The pair had been listening to NPR during a trip to the grocery store when 4-year-old Abigael decided she was done. With great big tears rolling down her cheeks, the little girl declared, "I'm tired of Bronco Bamma and Mitt Romney."