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Saturday, May 11, 2013

PUBLIC RESTROOMS FROM OUR POINT OF VIEW


by Dianne

When you have to visit a public restroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
 
 
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors.. Every stall is occupied.
 
 
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
 
 
You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
 
 
The dispenser for the modern "seat  covers"(invented by someone's Mom,
no doubt) is handy, but empty
 
 
You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one but there isn't -
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck,
Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR! ), yank down  your pants, and assume " The Stance."
 
 
In this position your aging, toneless 
(God I should have gone to the gym!!!) thigh muscles begin to shake.
 
 
You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance".
 
 
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.  
 
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to  clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!"   
 
Your thighs shake more. 
 
 
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse 
 
(Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).  That will have to do.  You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.  It's still smaller than your thumbnail. 
 
 
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. 
 
 
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck
in front of your chest and you and your purse topple backward against the tank
of the toilet. 
 
 
"Occupied!" you scream, as you reach
for the door, dropping your precious, 
tiny , crumpled tissue in a puddle on the  floor, lose your footing altogether, and  slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT .
 
 
It is wet of course 
 
 
You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late .  Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid  down toilet paper not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. 
 
 
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,  you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because,  frankly, dear "You just don't KNOW 
what kind of diseases you could get."   
 
 
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of  the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt, runs down your legs and into your shoes. 
 
 
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. 
 
 
At this point, you give up.  You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. 
 
 
You're e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. 
 
 
You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. 
 
 
You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors,  .....so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel, and walk past the line of women still waiting. 
 
 
You are no longer able to smile politely to any of them. 
 
 
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. 
(Where was that when you NEEDED it??)  You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand, and tell her warmly, 
"Here, you just might need this," 
 
 
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. 
 
 
Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging  around your neck?" ................  
 
 
This is dedicated to women everywhere,  who deal with public restrooms.  
(Rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!) 
 
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It, also, answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs.  It's so that the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse, and hand you Kleenex under the door! 

10 comments:

Dianne/Denver said...

Good morning.....I got quite a laugh out of this one ..hope you all enjoy it too

Awake a little sooner than planned ..must be knowing I'm not packed. I bought new new pants in tall, measured the length against my other pair and had them hemmed. Tried them on last night to pack and they are the wrong style. I like the wider leg and these are only boot cut. SHIT!! Now I'm really going through my closet as these new ones are tight across my knee. So stupid I was not to try them on but always get the same ones just ordered them wrong this stupid time. Of all times

Just_Lin said...

Dianne You look lovely this morning. Thank you for the laugh. Most of that has happened to me. LOL

I'm having a crisis with new jeans, too. I bought them at Macy's and had discovered they get too loose after wearing them a couple of hours or so. I bought 2 blue ones and two black ones and washed them all so now can't take them back. What a waste of money! I am not happy!

I had that plumbing problem in my dirt floor basement last night. Well, the plumber only cost me $69 because I had a coupon but then I had to call in someone to remove the black mold laden "toxic waste" and that cost me $800. I can hardly wait to get out of here next week. This week cannot end soon enough.

Mary/MI said...

Dianne & Justlin, your pants problems, sound so much like mine! I have piles of dress slacks and jeans. Some I need for heeled shoes and some for flatter heals. I am short so they always need hemming. I found out I can't go by the hems of my older pants because sometimes the waistlines are lower or higher on the new ones! I too bought the same style once only to find out one was boot cut and the other tooooooo flared! I didn't realize they had changed the style of the same brand! Geesh, buying pants shouldn't be so hard! I have done this just before trips too lol! Turned out I never wore the new ones at all and just stuck to my old fave... who the hell cared on my trip...exactly, no one lol!

Dianne/Denver said...

Shoot JL.I was getting all excited that you had a low bill until I read alittle further. Are you going to see your brother next week?

Dianne/Denver said...

Wahoo....I'm packed except a couple of last minute items. Pretty good for me. I finished at 4:00 and my last load of clothes are in the dryer. We have to leave here at (gulp) 5:30am tomorrow so I have to go to bed early.

Dianne/Denver said...

Ok Mary...ill probably wear the old ones. I'll never see these people again, right?

Mary/MI said...

Have fun all you travelers!! Wish I was coming with you!
Someday we will have to do a cruise together :)

Just_Lin said...

Mary You're the only one who knew they were the old ones.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I hope you have a wonderful time on vacation. Yes, I will visit with my brother, among other things. Oh, and I've currently got my new jeans in the dryer, trying to shrink them.

My daughter is taking me to lunch in SF tomorrow and then to a ballet. Ought to be fun.

Dianne/Denver said...

Happy others day to you all. Enjoy your day. It's 4:30 in the dang morning and dark. Off to the shower I go