Friday, June 7, 2013

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

by Dianne

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: 

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer.

The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety?

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another.

The directions said that:

1. A one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant;

2. A two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and

3. A three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4" in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...


I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution:

There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor!
A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

~ My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
~ The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
~ My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.
~ My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
~ I had no control over the drooling.
~ Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone.
~ I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!



Just_Lin said...

Good morning, HOoters!

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Thanks for the laugh this morning. Great visuals!

Jodi said...

Hilarious DIANNE!!

Jodi said...

Good afternoon SLIN :)

Jodi said...

We made it to Ohio about 30 minutes ago. Let the party start!!

sacBarb said...

Happy Friday Hooters.

Dianne, LMAO at the blog. I knew it was going to be trouble for him as soon as he said tazer, but the visual the story created was much more than I thought it would be. I am so glad he didn't tazer the cat. Thanks for the laugh.

Good morning J/L. I hope you are doing well today.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi Hope you're enjoying your visit. Wherever you go, you bring a party with you. :)

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb Went to the doctor today so, of course, my temp was down to normal for the first time all week. Geez! Still have some chest congestion (yellow) (TMI?)so doc put me on antibiotics. I should be good by Wed. Yay!

Jodi said...

Good morning from Lima, Ohio!!

Thanks SLIN, I like to think so ;)

Jodi said...

P.s. I hope the yellow stuff is clear soon :)

Jodi said...

We are heading out soon. My Uncle Kenny has a friend that lives nearby, so we are going on a field trip. He is interested in buying one of Kenny's cows. His friend is also a new grandfather, so he has a gift for the baby.

Jodi said...

The wedding reception doesn't start til 5pm. Debbie and Sarah's Mom did all the cooking. And Nick and Sarah made the jello shots. 2,000 of them. Woot woot!!!

sacBarb said...

Happy Saturday Hooters.

Today is going to be a hot one - 108 and I have to go out at 5:00 which is the hottest part of the day. Of course, I only have to go to my air conditioned car and then into the air conditioned Church and back again, so I'm sure I won't melt. ;)

Jodi, have fun at the wedding.

J/L, I'm glad the doc gave you drugs. Sometimes that stuff just doesn't go away on its own.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Dianne/Denver said...

Hi everyone. daughter took me to lunch and for a pedicure for my Mother's Day gift. It was a nice day. We took dinner to my brothers and he grilled. Tomorrow my friend and I are going to a Brazillian restaurant for lunch. I've never been to one before so looking forward to it.

Jodi, are you having fun at the wedding reception. You're not twirling tassels are you? Remember you are representing the owls" many Jell-O shots have you had?

Barb, that weather is too hot this soon in the summer. Hope you didn't melt.

JL, glad you went to dr. You must have spit...yucky. Guess the dr makes you sometimes. Not long until your trip...very exciting.

Mary, what are you doing this weekend? Must be getting in trouble.

It's supposed to keep get hotter here...96 on Tuesday. I think I need to go back to Alaska.

Jodi said...

BARB - I hope u didn't melt yesterday!! We are definitely having a cooler and wetter start to our summer. But I'll take that over the drought we had last year!!

Jodi said...

DIANNE - I think I represented the Owls quite well. Only had 5 or 6 jello shots. It was the Apple Pie shots u needed to watch out for. They were made with 100 proof Everclear moonshine. Delicious!!

Jodi said...

We are heading out in about a half an hour. 5 hours to Kenny's and a couple more to Jane's. We had a fun weekemd :)

Jodi said...

Good grief....weekend!!!

I'll check in from Wisconsin. I hope everyone has a relaxing Sunday :)

Just_Lin said...

HOdi Safe travels. 2,000 jello shots! Yikes!

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Fortunately, I did not have to cough anything up for the doctor. She was satisfied with a description.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb We had a heatwave here yesterday, too. Not like yours, though. Today is a totally different story. Cool and breezy.

Just_Lin said...

So, I got my lab results today and my glucose is up above the normal range. It was at the same point several years ago but had been really good for the last few. I sincerely thought I had fasted but then realized I had taken 2 Nyquil capsules before bed. Oops! Alcohol in those. Maybe that made the difference. I've emailed my doctor about it.

sacBarb said...

J/L, I can't believe this crazy weather. Yesterday it was 108 and the predicted high for today is 88. We are getting a breeze from the Delta that cools us nicely.

Jennifer and I are going to an open house at the Stampin' Up consultant's house today. The new catalog is out and she is selling off the discontinued items in her inventory. She can't use them when giving classes and it makes room in her fabulous (and HUGE) craft room. So we are going to see if she has anything we can't live without. She does this every six months and always has some good give-aways, plus a make-n-take card. Heaven knows I don't NEED anything, but I can't resist looking!

I hope everyone is having a good day. BBL with a report of my test of willpower. ;)

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb My prediction is that you will not come home empty-handed. Have fun!

Meanwhile, I'm still coughing up what remains of my lungs and the antibiotics aren't doing my intestinal workings any favor, either. TMI?

Just_Lin said...


Jodi said...

SLIN - My best suggestion is to take Florajen pills with the antibiotic. Twofold. I think it will help with the tummy issues, and will help ward off a yeast infection (sorry if this is TMI, but sure as shit if I'm taking an antibiotic I get one)

Jodi said...

BARB - Willpower...what's that?!!? I just hope you have fun!!

Jodi said...

Got home about an hour ago from Ohio. Long day, but sooooo worth it. My Aunt's son and his family are living with her. They are in the process of buying her house. I about blew a gasket when I dropped her off. She has a one car garage so her driveway is big enough for one vehicle. When I went to pick her up on Thursday, her DIL had parked her van in the driveway, and today it was STILL THERE!!! I'm sorry, but they knew we were coming. I think it is just rude that she didn't move her van so I could've parked there, thus making unpacking my Aunt's stuff easier. So when she was holding the door open for me, I dropped my Aunt's bags at her feet and said I was done being a pack mule! OY!!!!

Jodi said...

Sorry about the rant....

Gonna pop a huge bowl of popcorn and put in a movie.

Have a good night HOoters ♥

Jodi said...


Just_Lin said...

HOdi Fortunately, I've never gotten a yeast infection when on antibiotics. Knock on wood or a branch. It's only a five day course so hopefully that will be fine.

Just_Lin said...

I actually ironed something today.

sacBarb said...

Well, I spent $32.00 and also made a really cute Birthday card. Got a few brads for free and signed up for a brayer class. I've gone through the new catalog and I have too many pages marked to count. I won't be buying from every marked page, but there are some really nice things that I am sure I will be getting. The Jennifers and I will be having a card making day at the end of June.

Going to watch the Tony's in about 30 minutes. It's all good.

sacBarb said...

Jodi, NP about the rant. Some people just don't think and relatives are often the worst!

A few weekends ago my sister-in-law and 3 other people were going to stop here overnight on their way home from Oregon (not WI). They were to be here about 5:00-6:00pm and said they wanted to take me to dinner for putting them up. I waited and waited and finally got a call about 10:15 from a casino two hours away where they were spending all their money. They finally arrived about 12:45am. Needless to say, I was NOT a happy camper. I'm thinking that next time they want to crash here on the way to/from somewhere, I'm not gonna be home!

sacBarb said...

J/L, Ironed? What's that? ;)

Mary/MI said...

I have been trying to get in here ar 2 days! I was pretty busy Sat., but had a puter trouble. Sat. we had our house set up for "wireless". I think my puter had a few kinks to work out. All is good now :)

I worked all day at our VFW sat. We had some kind of Beagle (dog) run and breed contest meet there in the morning, a wedding party that decided to stop by after their wedding, and then over 60 bikers going bar to bar raising money for cancer cures. We sold out of our hamburgs hot Dogs and home made FF. 4 of us had an assembly line going. We sure were pooped by the end of the day!

This coming week my Hubby goes up North (Upper Peninsula). That is where he was born. not far from the Wisconsin border.He has been going up there every year since I have known him. He meets up with his brothers and a few other family members. They used to fish, until they built the Casino lol!

Talk at yah later Hooters....

Dianne/Denver said...

Oh Barb, that was really rude of them. I think I might not have answered the phone at that point. That's really annoying. Glad you got a little shopping in at the lady's house and sounds as though there is more to come. Thanks for reminding me about the Tonys.

Jodi, glad you are home safe. Whew, the apple pie Jell-O shot sounds interesting. I like following you on your trips on your check in's. almost feels like I'm riding along.

I get yeast infections too but my dr gives me some kind of pill to take at the start and end of the pills. Can't remember the name.

JL, ironed...why? I haven't ironed in forever. You need to throw the item away if its going to require ironing. Lol. Have you done some shopping and started packing for your trip yet? You leave in a couple of days, right? I wonder if that pill made a difference on your test. They always tell me I can take meds on a fast.

Hmmm, I'm not too great at knowing what willpower is myself. I'm now getting daily emails from the Coach online store...not good.

Went to that Brazillian restaurant and ate a lot of food. It was different and fun. My friend drove so that was a nice change. Different in those low cars after driving an SUV all the time.

Mary, must be very busy this weekend. I saw on FB yesterday that she was cooking for bikers at the VFW

Dianne/Denver said...

Well there you are Mary right when I was talking about missing you.

What are you going to do all week while your husband is gone? Tell your son the kitchen is closed.

Ok, back to doing nothing.

Mary/MI said...

Dianne, glad you missed me lol!
I will be pretty busy while he is gone. I get to clean his "man cave".
One of the things I have to do is get ready for a Class Reunion I am hired to DJ. I am so happy that it will be all 50s music! I have been checking to make sure I have enough for 3 hrs.
"Why do fools fall in Love?","Smoke gets in your eyes". "Venus, Young Love,Moon River,Chances Are"
I wonder if any of you know these lol! I am old and been there :)

Mary/MI said...


Dianne/Denver said...

Remember,I'm even older and remember every one of those songs

Just_Lin said...

Mary I remember all those songs. Never was a fan of Moon River but love the other ones.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb That was extremely rude and inconsiderate of your sister-in-law. Wow! I would be extremely pissed off and I would have told her how rude it was of her, too.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I've been to a couple of Brazilian restaurants. Meat, meat, and more meat. LOL

sacBarb said...

Mary, I remember all of those songs. You left out Earth Angel. ;)

Mary/MI said...

Ah yes, "Earth Angel" thanks, I will add it to my list.

Barb, I have a friend that does that a lot. Says he's going to be here for dinner then he shows up 1 or 2 hrs after the meal! We decided a while back to go ahead and eat unless he calls with a very good excuse. Mostly we eat & put things away and never mention the good meal lol, well, there was the one time I told him " You missed a great Mex. meal" lol!!!
The look on his face was priceless :)