Blonde Goes Ice Fishing

by Dianne

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, “There are no fish under the ice!!”

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly–tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

“There are no fish under the ice!!”

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, “Is that You, Lord?”

The voice boomed back, “NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!”

Coming Home Drunk

by Dianne

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell fast asleep.

When Brian awoke a few hours later he found a strange man was standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”

The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter”.

Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away.”

St. Peter replied, “Yes you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”

Brian began to consider his options.

He was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

“This ain’t so bad,” he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “so you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?”

“It’s not so bad,” replied Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”

“Never,” replied Brian

“Well just relax and let it happen.”

So Brian focused on his breathe and relaxed, and after a few uncomfortable seconds an egg popped out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him. His emotions even got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!

The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

“Brian! Wake up you drunken bastard, you’re pooping the bed!”

~ Happy Mother's Day ~