Redneck Engineering At It's Best!

by Zona

Inheritance?!!

by Michael

A dying granny tells her granddaughter... 

 

"I want to leave you my farm.  That includes the villa, the tractor and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750 in cash."

 

The granddaughter, about to be rich, says ..."oh my, granny!  You are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm.  Where is it?"

 

 

With her last breath, her granny whispered,

 "Facebook"

~ Tribute to a Man who DID make a Difference ~

by Tina~in_ut

May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003

ON TURNING 70

'You still chase women, but only downhill'.


ON TURNING 80

'That's the time of your life when even your
birthday suit needs pressing.'


ON TURNING 90

'You know you're getting old when the
candles cost more than the cake.'


ON TURNING 100

' I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything
until noon . Then it's time for my nap.'


ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING

'I ruined my hands in the ring . the
referee kept stepping on them.'


ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR

'Welcome to the Academy Awards or,
as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.'


ON GOLF

'Golf is my profession. Show business
is just to pay the green fees.'


ON PRESIDENTS

'I have performed for 12 presidents
and entertained only six.'


ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER

'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, '
Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham'.'


ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL

'I feel very humble, but I think I have
the strength of character to fight it.'


ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY

'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got
cold, mother threw on another brother.'


ON HIS SIX BROTHERS

'That's how I learned to dance.
Waiting for the bathroom.'


ON HIS EARLY FAILURES

'I would not have had anything to eat
if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me.'


ON GOING TO HEAVEN

'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd
hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

The Land That Made Me, Me

by Sac Barb

I have no idea who put this together, but it is wonderful!!  Growing up in the Fifties was so different than how kids grow up today.  The simplicity of it all was the best.  I'm sure in 20 or 30 years from now there will be another version about how good it was growing up in the 80's or 90's.

Long ago and far away, in a land that time forgot,
Before the days of Dylan, or the dawn of Camelot.
There lived a race of innocents, and they were you and me, 

For Ike was in the White House in that land where we were born,
Where navels were for oranges, and Peyton Place was porn. 
 

We learned to gut a muffler, we washed our hair at dawn,
We spread our crinolines to dry in circles on the lawn.

We longed for love and romance, and waited for our Prince,
And Eddie Fisher married Liz, and no one's seen him since.

We danced to 'Little Darlin,' and sang to 'Stagger Lee'
And cried for Buddy Holly in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Only girls wore earrings then, and 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts, except for Jean McKinney.

And only in our wildest dreams did we expect to see
A boy named George with Lipstick, in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We fell for Frankie Avalon, Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie, they never made it twice.

We didn't have a Star Trek Five, or Psycho Two and Three,
Or Rocky-Rambo Twenty in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Miss Kitty had a heart of gold, and Chester had a limp,
And Reagan was a Democrat whose co-star was a chimp.

We had a Mr. Wizard, but not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet, in the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had our share of heroes, we never thought they'd go,
At least not Bobby Darin, or Marilyn Monroe.

For youth was still eternal, and life was yet to be,
And Elvis was forever in the Land That Made Me, Me.

   
And Beatles lived in gardens then, and Monkees lived in trees,
Madonna was Mary in the Land That Made Me, Me.

We'd never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars,
And babies might be bottle-fed, but they weren't grown in jars.

And pumping iron got wrinkles out, and 'gay' meant fancy-free,
And dorms were never co-ed in the Land That Made Me, Me.

  

We hadn't seen enough of jets to talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left at the bottom of the bag.

And Hardware was a box of nails, and bytes came from a flea,
And rocket ships were fiction in the Land That Made Me, Me.

Buicks came with portholes, and side shows came with freaks,
And bathing suits came big enough to cover both your cheeks.

 

 And Coke came just in bottles, and skirts below the knee,
And Castro came to power near the Land That Made Me, Me.
 

We had no Crest with Fluoride, we had no Hill Street Blues,
We had no patterned pantyhose or Lipton herbal tea

Or prime-time ads for those dysfunctions in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

There were no golden arches, no Perrier to chill,
And fish were not called Wanda , and cats were not called Bill.

And middle-aged was 35 and old was forty-three,
And ancient were our parents in the Land That Made Me, Me.

But all things have a season, or so we've heard them say,
And now instead of Maybelline we swear by Retin-A.
They send us invitations to join AARP,
We've come a long way, baby, from the Land That Made Me, Me.

So now we face a brave new world in slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using smaller print in magazines.
And we tell our children's children of the way it used to be,
Long ago and far away in the Land That Made Me, Me.

 

Underskirt

by Dianne

A soldier ran up to a nun.

Out of breath he pleaded,"Pl,let me hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of  legs!"

The nun replied,"If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.
I don't want to go to Iraq either."

Kiss Concert

by Dianne

Who would have thought that KISS even knew the words or music to these songs! No makeup and no costumes--just straight up!

This was filmed in Iraq at a USO tour of a US Marine Base.

They Walk Among Us

by Goldie

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have"...........Thomas Jefferson   

A DC  'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of  'WHY' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.  (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town.  I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information,  and then he interrupted me with,  ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid,  but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ..''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained,  ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts ,   Cape Town is in South Africa .''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!''  (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked,  ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said,  ''No.''

She said,  ''But they look so close on the map''  (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas ..  I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ...  When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said,  ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''  (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,  and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''  I said,  'No, why do you ask?'

He replied,  ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,  they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing).  I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii .  After going over all the cost info, she asked,  ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China .  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh, no I don't.   I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino,   New York .''

I was at a loss for words.  Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
 'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
 After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply?  ''Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.   Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.