English Lesson of the Day

by Dianne

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation
who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket
to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned,
"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3' "

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and
you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop
the medicine from working?"


"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, 
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and then she asked

"What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we
could end up with a dangling participle.

An Irishman

by Dianne

 

 

~ Green Day ~

8 yr olds - On Grandparents.....

by Dianne

Getting Older

by Dianne

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 

'Sure.' 

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 

'No, I can remember it.' 

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' 

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks. 

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' 

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 
'So I hear you're getting married?' 
'Yep!' 
'Do I know her?' 
'Nope!' 
'This woman, is she good looking?' 
'Not really.' 
'Is she a good cook?' 
'Naw, she can't cook too well.' 
'Does she have lots of money?' 
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?' 
'I don't know.' 
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?' 
'Because she can still drive!'
   
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.' 
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?' 
'Twelve thirty.'

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. 
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' 
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.' 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.' 
 

Deaf Italian Bookkeeper

by Dianne

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,  has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

 

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

 

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

 

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?"

 

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

 

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." 

 

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

 

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

 

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

 

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

 

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

 

           Don't you just love lawyers?

~ Happy New Year ~