Saturday, April 28, 2012

Pregnant Lizard

by Dianne

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged."Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!"

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.  I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . Ernie is a boy.  You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just, just .. .. . Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .... That ....I'm picturing you pulling on its .. .. . Its. . Teeny little . . "

She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140. One cage: $50..Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.  Lizards lay eggs!


Michael said...


Maureen said...

Holy gizzards! We have a chain of restaurants here called the Winking Lizard. Now I shall think of it as the Wanking Lizard!!!

Morning Michael

Maureen said...

DIANNE...very funny!! How is Louis doing? Are the meds helping?

Zona said...

DI: Omgosh..that was funny..I'll never look at any lizard that runs across the fence the same way again..thanks for that DI!! ;D

MO: I like the name of that restaurant..I don't know if I'd ever be able to eat there with it's new name tho..LOL!! ;D

Good Morning and BAM! to you too MICHAEL! :D

Zona said...

Thanks everyone for the comments on the video yesterday..I really thought it was sweet and inspiring.. :)

Rand and I spent Friday in Prescott. We had a picnic at one of the lakes..I even had a really good time.

DI: I saw a Horny toad at the's actually not a toad..but a lizard..kinda perfect for your blog isn't it? I should have taken a picture.. :D

Enjoy your Saturday everyone!

Michael said...

well I guess everyone is at the White House Correspondents Dinner.....

Just_Lin said...

Michael I looked for you at the White House but couldn't find you. Congrats on Bamming first today.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Funny blog. Thanks for sending it in. It reminds me of when a cat of mine returned from being away for several days and had a twig stuck to the end of his tail. I kept trying to pull it off but to no avail. Took him to the vet and discovered it was his exposed tail bone. Something had happened to the end of his tail and it ended up that we had to have the end amputated. No wonder it annoyed him so much when I kept trying to pull the "twig" off.

Just_Lin said...

MO Any plans to visit the Wanking Lizard anytime soon? LOL

Just_Lin said...

Zona Your picnic sounds lovely. I haven't been on a picnic in many years. Did you sit in the shade of a tree? I hope no ants attended.