Monday, March 25, 2013

Belated St. Patrick's Day Jokes

by Dianne

John O'Neil hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best Toast of the Night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man
chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there
twice in the last four years.  Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell




Mike walked into a pub and the barkeep asked "Where's Pat?"


Johnny said, "You see, Pat is back in the hospital.He was on an airplane and the airplane was about to crash. A female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, “If I’m going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman.”

She removed all her clothing and asked, “Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?”

"Pat took his shirt off and said, “Here, iron this!”.




Pat and Mike were hunting and they shot a deer with huge antlers and they started dragging the deer back to their truck.


Johnny saw them and suggested they drag the deer by the hind legs as opposed to the antlers which were getting caught in all the bushes.

Pat and Mike took the advice. After about a block of dragging Pat said "That Johnny was really smart, it sure is easier to drag a deer her way."

Mike said "I don't think so, because of him, we are getting so much further away from the truck."




Pat tells Mike a story about a beer conference of big beer producers.


Pat says, "At the end of the day, the presidents of all the large beer companies decide to have a drink in the bar."

"The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."


Dianne/Denver said...

JL....from Area 51....I really do know how to spell learn. Looks like I spell in phonics!

Howdy everyone. I'm laying here in bed so not all purdy like JL was yesterday BUT I'm getting ready to take a shower so that counts for something, right?

Going out to lunch for a longer time today as my friend isn't working today. Guess I'll drive the car that I barely can start (keyless start). I will LEARN this car eventually.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Well, you look very fetching lounging there in your bed. You will get used to your new car in no time. Have fun at your lunch. I'm taking a friend out for an early birthday dinner tonight.

Thanks for sending in the blog. I really laughed out loud at that first joke.

Dianne/Denver said...

Jl, you're welcome for the blog I'm getting low on them. Pretty soon I'll be finding Christmas ones again.

Have fun at your dinner tonight.

After my lunch I sat in lot and transferred all my things ...after buying a drink. As I was working I picked up my drink and it was large (of course) and the cup had a whole in it on the bottom. My two cup holders were 2" deep in root beer!!! Luckily, I had a lot of napkins to stuff in there since I was cleaning and then when I got home Louis came out and finished up the job. What a damn mess in my shiny new car!!!! My language left a little to be desired

sacBarb said...

Dianne, How funny, especially the first one. We don't care what your hair looks like, just that you are here! So sorry about the leak in your drink cup. I spilled a large coffee all over my car seat (passenger side) the other day. I only had ONE napkin and it didn't nearly sop it all up. :(

J/L, Have fun at your dinner tonight. I am getting excited about our trip next week.

Dianne/Denver said...

Jl and Barb and Mary'd better come on here while you're gone or I'll be talking to myself all day until Jodi comes on in the late night. I don't have such great conversations all alone...although, I will admit to having them.

Barb, doesn't that just irritate you spilling? I guess a good reason to carry lots of napkins.

Watching DWTS and having a hard time getting interested. The only show I like anymore is Survivor.

sacBarb said...

Dianne, I used to watch Survivor but I haven't watched it for the last three seasons. I guess I got burned out on it.

DWTS comes on here in about 15 minutes. I watched the first week, but I wasn't too thrilled with any of the cast and I especially don't like Andy Dick. Wynona was kinda stiff last week and if she doesn't improve this week, she may be the first to go home.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne What a sticky mess in your brand new car. I guess you can now consider it "christened". Good thing you had the napkins that you did.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb The only drink I carry in my car is a bottle of water (closed). Sorry about the spilled coffee on your car seat.

I'm starting to feel anxiety about everything I have to do right before our trip, including working for the animal clinic and getting the dog and her stuff to my son so he can take care of her.

Dianne/Denver said...

What day do you all go on your trip? Can you swing by colorado for a visit too?

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I'm sorry but I don't think we can make it over to Colorado. :(

sacBarb said...

Dianne, We fly to Palm Springs Next Wednesday. We are going to warmer climate, so Denver is not on the agenda. Why don't you come to Palm Springs and get away from the snow? We can all meet up at the airport. We'd love to see you.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb I'll take you out to dinner next Tuesday night. Start thinking of where you want to go.

Dianne/Denver said...

Me too?