Monday, March 18, 2013

For Your Irish Friends....

by Dianne

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


Mary/MI said...

Well, those were hilarious!!
Just flying by on my way to fold and put away more laundry.
I want to go to twon, but I can't bring myself to put on the big old wooly coat,scarf & mittens!!!

Just_Lin said...

Well, phooey! I just lost my entire comment. I will try to reconstruct it.

Just_Lin said...

Mary You are looking very pretty today. Did you decide to go to town or not? I left my car at the dealer as it is being checked for a part that is recalled and also getting regular service. They gave me a ride home since it isn't expected to be ready for several hours. I think I'll make lunch. I had breakfast before taking the car in but I barely ate anything. I'm not used to eating before noon. LOL

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Those really were hilarious, every one of them. Thanks for the laughs today.

sacBarb said...

Dianne, Thanks for the Irish laughs. I especially liked the one where the priest was asking if the men wanted to go to heaven. ;)

Mary, I hope you were able to go to town and stimulate the economy.

J/L, LOL @ you not being used to eat before noon. I don't like to eat early either, even when I get up early.

Mary/MI said...

I did not venture out. The snow started coming down hard so I just hunkered down :(

I made homemade meatballs with spaghetti.
I rarely eat before noon even if I get up early. Prolly cuz I worked the night shift for so many years.

Tomorrow they are delivering an upright freezer for our basement. The old clunker still works but uses a lot of juice,the rubber seal is nasty and I have to stand on my head too find things at the bottom lol!

Just_Lin said...

Mary Can we have a pic of you standing on your head, please?

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb I think I'm still half asleep until about noon.

Dianne/Denver said...

I do t like to eat before noon but I love Togo out to a late breakfast

Thanks for the comments today and glad you enjoyed the humor. I'm running low on blog submissions so everyone start searching. I can't submit some of them...too naughty or political

Work tomorrow so I will be getting up early (9:00) and probably eat early...McDonald's!!!

Mary, I didn't send the snow this time. We've been having nice weather. Looks like Jodi has a lot of snow too.

Ok, time for sleep. Night everyone.