Disconnect

DISCONNECT

by Lynn D

Sometimes I am at a loss on how to deal with myself. I have many issues and have tried to work on them as I grow.

One issue I am struggling with and have come to the conclusion I may always, is my ability to just disconnect emotionally. This occurs when I feel threatened or uncertain. It really can go beyond normal reason and caution.

I know I learned it at a young age as I had to learn how to cope very quickly early in my life. I had to divorce or stop the emotions or they would overtake me. I was too young to know how to make the hurt stop so I learned to disconnect while still looking engaged.

I fell helpless to stop it. As I get older it is like a closed emotional fist. I can feel it in my gut and see it in my minds eye. The old recording in my mind that says don’t share, don’t reveal too much or you will be disappointed again. No one will accept you for who you are, don’t take the chance. I am a coward and give in.

This coping mechanism helped me get through some very tough emotional and physical times in my life, but now it feels like a weight holding me down and keeping me from being happy. I am not saying that I am not happy. I have moments of happiness but I crave more. Are there people who are happy most of the time?

It makes me tired and really hinders me from accepting who I am and stops me from being who I want to be. I want to break the cycle and yet I cling to it as I can’t take someone else ripping through me emotionally it hurts so much.

I keep searching for a better way, a more logical way and have not found it yet. I will continue on this search because the fist is becoming more and more uncomfortable. I don’t want to live the rest of my life disconnected. It scares me and makes me sad that I could pass from this world without unclenching that fist.

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