Making A Baby

by Dianne

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to 
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'    

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am',  he said,  'I've come to...'     

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed,
'I've been expecting you.'    

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'     

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !. ‘After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'    

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'  
  
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'    

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'     

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith..  
  
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be
in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
that.'    

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.   
  
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.    

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
  
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with.'  

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.   
  
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.'  

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement..
  
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached, I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'    

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'  

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'  

'Tripod?'   
  
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand for long.'  

Mrs. Smith fainted.

The Parrot

by Dianne

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Irish Compassion

by Dianne

 Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight 

       from Dublin to Boston,

 the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful 

announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry,

but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up 

by our catering service.

I don't know how this has happened, but we have 

103 passengers on board,

and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.

I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

       

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, 

she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that 

someone else can eat

Will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 

5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.

~ Happy Easter ~

Secret to a Long Marriage

by Dianne

An older gentleman goes into a bar and hears the other patrons discussing the ups and down of marriage.

"Next week my wife and I will celebrate our fiftieth anniversary," he tells them.

"That's great. What's your secret for a long and happy marriage," one asks.

"Well, you have to do nice things for your wife."

"Such as?"

"Well, for our twenty fifth anniversary I took her to Italy ."

"That is nice. What are you going to do for your fiftieth?"

"I'm going back to visit her."

Paddy McCoy

by Dianne

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Angels Check on the Earth

by Dianne

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, ‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.’

God thought for a moment and said, ‘Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.’

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, ‘Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.’

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.