Wednesday, June 29, 2011

BBQ Rules

by Dianne

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion: 

The woman buys the food.
The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetablesand makes dessert.
The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - drink in hand.
The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.  

Here comes the important part:

More routine...

The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat. 

Important again:


More routine...

The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
After eating,the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all: 


(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts. 
The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her 'night off,' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


Tina~in_ut said...

Good Moaning~

Tina~in_ut said...

Di~ that cracked me up! I hate it when hubby stands there in the kitchen with a beer in his hand and asks me where the meat is...then wants a plate for it...then wants the seasoning....then walks out and calls back yelling over his shoulder, "Will you bring me a clean plate and another beer?!" The same word comes to mind every time~ ASS!~ :D

Lynn D said...

Morning glories,

That is exactly how it happens. Spot on Dianne!

Morning Tina and waving at anyone who flies in. :)

Zona said...

DIANNE: This made me's so true! On Saturday Mr Z was grilling hamburgers..I was getting all the side dishes ready in the kitchen..he came in..great big metal flipper thingee in hand and said "I'll need you to bring me a plate in about 2 minutes.." and walked back out. I was still trying to figure out why he didn't just get it himself while he was there..when the door opened..and he yelled "Plate!!"..yep..I took it to him! Now I know's a Rule!! ;D

TINA: Hello Gorgeous! McCormick Grill Mates? Mr Z has 6 or 7 different kinds of seasonings..he takes so much time selecting which kind to use..I bet they are all the

G'morning LYNN!

It's 92 here already..we have such lovely summers..ugh..

Have a good day everyone..stay cool!! :)

Bebbi said...

Good morning Tina!

Di: I love this one because it is so funny and SO TRUE!! LOL!! :)

Zona: That is funny! I bet he never even thought to get the cute! I do miss that's fun to do all that with someone...

goldie said...

Good Moaning tina~ and Good Morning Hooters!

So true Dianne....loved that.

Reminds me of Mr. G when he calls me at work (while he is out of the office)to tell me to call his next appt. that he may be running a little late. Why the hell didn't he just call them instead of me in the first place!!

Hope everyone has a great day. Leaving Fri for vaca and can't wait to see my favorite little people~the grandkids.

Zona said...

GOLDIE: LOL! They are all goofs! My sister, Mr Z and I were going shopping..and while driving to the mall..he turned to me and said "Do you think your sister wants to go to lunch before or after we shop?" I looked at him for a sec..then turned to my sister, who was in the backseat and asked her..she said.."After.." I looked at Mr Z and told him..he smiled and nodded..My sister and I were cracking up...She's right here..ask her yourself!! Goof! :D

Have a wonderful time with your grandchildren! I'll leave the light on! :D

BEBBI: Hi Sunshine! I think he had one focus..the know what else is funny..he'll stand over hot coals and grill in 115 degree heat without one complaint..anything else and it's 'Too darn hot!!' :D

Michael said...

The Season of BBQ is NOT just between a man and a woman as many people refer to define it! Everyone in America should have the right to have their BBQ recognized no matter what their sex or who they choose to BBQ with!

Same sex BBQ is as much a civil right as Heterosexual BBQ! The fact that gay men prepare and serve with flare a culinary cabaret doesn't mean they are better at it....but we are!

And just read this blog to see the mess heteros have made of the right to BBQ!

I say its time to give the LGBT their chance to do it better.

If hetero women want to slave over a meal that the man gets the credit for thats their business...but Gay BBQ's are a 50/50 effort on the part of the caterers!

iteach said...

That is so funny! So reminds me of my mom and dad. Not the ex, because he never liked using the grill. He bought a brand new $200 one before he left me and it is still sitting in the garage.

My next independent woman goal is to learn how to use it. My dad is going to teach me this coming weekend, very excited.

iteach said...


iteach said...

This talk is making me hungry!

iteach said...

Tink, very encouraging news about your neice, very encouraging. :)

Just_Lin said...

Tina You're looking extra pretty today. Your comment cracked me up. Some men act like they are surgeons about to go into the operating room rather than just standing at a grill, making sure the meat doesn't go up in flames. LOL

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Thanks for the blog today. That was fun to read. I was lucky. My husband loved to barbeque and would be the chosen one to grill for hundreds of people at a time at various club events. He was very organized and comfortable with it. At home, he pretty much took care of most of the meal, incuding clean up. Sometimes, I'd cook something simple, like corn on the cob, to go with it.

Just_Lin said...

LynnD Waving back at ya!

Just_Lin said...

Zona Love McCormack Grill Mates, especially Montreal Steak. I've used it on steak, chicken, vegetables. I've even put it on a backed potato.

Just_Lin said...

LOL That would be a baked potato, not a backed one.

Just_Lin said...

Goldie Isn't that funny? I wish I had a personal secretary.

Just_Lin said...

Michael Hey, Bear barbeques. He has a fancy new grill, too.

Just_Lin said...

iteach One of my step-daughters only cooks meat on her barbeque. I don't think I'd want to go that far but I bet you'll have fun with it.

Tina~in_ut said...

Shit an effing brick! MICHAEL!!!~ omg.....wheezing.....Janice and I can't stop laughing at ur post! now FINALLY.....ur funny~ :D

Hi to everyone...IT'S FRIDAY!!! ...and I'm off~ :D

Just_Lin said...

In about 40 minutes I will go to the vet and have my cat put to sleep. She has a bad cancer under her tongue. It has gotten difficult for her to eat. I've been giving her chicken baby food yesterday and today. Cats love it and it's easy to eat. I'm just full of good news lately, arent' I?

Just_Lin said...


Just_Lin said...


Just_Lin said...


sacBarb said...

Dianne, Ahhhh, I remember that routine very well. And it always went exactly as you stated. I'm glad to know I was following the rules.

sacBarb said...

J/L, My Hubby also BBQ's for many events, mostly golf tournaments, sometimes for as many as 300 people. He even built a huge BBQ and used the back of a pick-up truck for the base. He also used the steering wheel from a '55 Chevy to connect to a chain that raised and lowered the grill. One end of the BBQ was sectioned off and outfitted with some kind of heat barrier and used for cold drinks, which included a beer tap. He used to get offers to sell it. After he died I gave it to the guy that helped him build it.

However, while he did all the grilling, I did all the other stuff as outlined in the rules.

sacBarb said...

Zona, You know men cannot multi-task. He was holding the flipper...he couldn't hold a plate too! I remember one time when the kids were small and we stopped at the store before going home. When we pulled up in the driveway I carried the baby, my purse, the diaper bag and had the toddler by the hand. I asked him to take the grocery bag and he said "I'm carrying my cigarettes!" REALLY? He was a little embarrassed when realized what he had just said, but REALLY????

sacBarb said...

J/L, I am so sorry about your cat. Is that the one that is 19 years old? I am still keeping your Mom in my prayers. (((HUGS)))

sacBarb said...

Tinka, So good to hear the positive news about your niece. Still keeping her in my prayers.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb Your hubby and mine would have gotten along great! Mine built something similar to yours for use up at Lake Pillsbury. Every other year they have a big party for all the folks that summer up there. A couple hundred people, or so, attend. It's still up there at his sister's place and still in good use for the really big jobs.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb The cat turned 20 in April. She had been a feral kitten. I caught her and the rest of that litter when they were probably 5 wks old. I just returned from the vet's and we had our last goodbyes. She was the last of my "rescues".

Dianne/Denver said...

Ohh, I'm sorry about your cat. That is really a long time to have a pet.

Thanks for all the comment on the blog. I thought you would all get a kick out it.

TINA: Was it a tornado? Hope you are okay!!

My grandson just got a bearded dragon lizard for his bday and it got lost outside during cage cleaning. There was quite the drama at their house for the one that had it for a pet and more for my other grandson that put it down after mom said not too. They waited all night in hopes it would come to the food and heat lamp they put out. No luck but at 9am the little lizard was on the sidewalk sunning himself and they caught it again. I think these things get really big and ugly but this one is tiny! All is well for now at the grandson's house.!!

Dianne/Denver said...

TINK: How is you niece today? I hope she is feeling better. Thinking of you.

MOOOOOOOOTH.....where are you? Come back.......

My younger GD is coming over tonight for a couple of days as her sister is at Girl Scout camp. It should be fun keeping ourselves busy.

Hello to each and everyone of you.

MICHAEL: Area 51: I saw your message for me to call you but when I saw it the time was 3AM your time. Now I do know that you are on the "night owls" so I am sure you were up but hesitated to call. One other issue.....I don't know your phone number!!

whabbear said...

Michael: I do, and Dianne's post was just outrageous (LOL)! We males have to stick up for ourselves, regardless of our sexuality!

SO! Huz and I host a BBQ almost every long weekend in Palm Springs. The TRUTH is:

As the BBQer, I:

1. Go with Huz to the store and we split the cost of the meat. Meat often includes steak and chicken.

2. Take the steak and chicken thighs (which have evolved into my speciality) and marinate them several hours before the guests arrive. I select the marinade and mix it up and fork the steaks so the marinade infuses the meat.

3. 40 minutes before grilling, I place the thighs in a shallow roasting pan and roast them at a temp of 350 degrees.

4. Approximately 35 minutes into roasting, I fire up the BBQ so that the temperature inside is at a maximum.

5. Put the steaks on the grill. Start a timer, estimate how much time to cook on either side. This estimation is the culmination of years of BBQ experience and is almost completely determined by steak thickness, which, of course, varies each time.

6. Carefully put the steaks on the grill the right amount of time before the chicken thighs so that they finish cooking at about the same time.

7. Start watching the clock closely so I know when to flip the steaks so that they will be medium rare.

8. Put the chicken thighs on the top grate for about 5 minutes

9. Remove both sorts of meat from grill and transport back into house, where hopefully, Huz has taken care of the inside things like the salad, the sides, etc.

10. Start drinking heavily.

Yep, there's the truth, ladies! LOL!

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Make sure those little boys wash their hands after handling the lizard. Reptiles can carry salmonella on their skin.

iteach said...


Bear, I so would pay you two weeks salary to have you BBQ for me.