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Saturday, August 20, 2011

What A Week!

by Sac Barb

When you have a bad week, here's something that will make you laugh and feel better.  



MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.  Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
had a talk with her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
 
 
TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
 
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
 
  
WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.  With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. 
 
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'  'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
 
  
THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'
 
 
FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.  Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
 
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
 
 
SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'  'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What?  Did you tell her you were only 50?'
 
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
 
 
SUNDAY 
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland ... As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'  A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours! 

27 comments:

Tina~in_ut said...

Good Moaning~

Tina~in_ut said...

Those were cute Sac Barb~ thanks for sending in the blog~

Michael said...

"they send us on bus tours"...ha hahaha...

Well once again Sackie has risen from her sick bed with a superior blog for today...

oh! good morning In_Ut! That name sounds Alaskan. R U sitting on a block of ice?

Wait...I thought you are part Mexican. SO that would make you tri-national...Enuit...Korean...and Mexican...

Boy I bet you make good egga rose and refried beans....hows yer whale blubber?

Michael said...

And nothing starts the morning off right better than a catchy tune!!

So her we gooo!

Istanbul (Not Constantinople)

Istanbul was Constantinople
Now it's Istanbul not Constantinople
Been a long time gone Constantinople
Now it's Turkish delight on a moonlit night

Every gal in Constantinople
Lives in Istanbul not Constantinople
So if you've a date in Constantinople
She'll be waiting in Istanbul

Even old New York was once New Amsterdam
Why they changed it I can't say
People just liked it better that way

So take me back to Constantinople
No you can't go back to Constantinople
Been a long time gone Constantinople
Why did Constantinople get the works?
That's nobody's business but the Turks!

(note) if you qualify as a Whirling Dervish you may whirl...

Michael said...

I have some news from Shelburne County, Nova Scotia I would like to report:

notices green leaves sticking out of Shirleys purse...

RCMP discover booby-trapped pot plantation

By BRIAN MEDEL Yarmouth Bureau
Sat, Aug 20 - 4:54 AM

RCMP officers searching for a small outdoor marijuana plantation in Shelburne County Thursday almost walked into some booby traps.

Officers spotted several 15-centimetre spikes amongst some marijuana plants. Wooden bases stabilized the big nails.

"They were flat on the ground with the spikes sticking straight up," said Cpl. Nancy Mason of the Shelburne County street crime unit.

No one was injured.

The plants were found Thursday in the Barrington area after a tip from the public.

"Most of the marijuana eradication we do is all information or intelligence led," said Mason.

The spikes were hard to spot because they were partially hidden by debris.

"It was kind of a swampy, low-lying bush area," said Mason. "They were right within the marijuana crop itself so I’d suspect they’d be intended for pedestrians."

The spikes were not necessarily placed strategically to be walked on by police.

"In my experience, I would also suspect it could have been intended for thieves because that’s not an uncommon practice with marijuana plantations," said Mason.

She said residents should be aware of some of the hazards of outdoor marijuana grows-ops.

"It was a small vacant bush area but located (near) a residential area. Houses were located on either side of it and across the street," said Mason.

"That’s what concerned me the most. I kind of envisioned kids playing . . . or running with their dog or even blueberry picking. It’s almost that time of year."

It’s the first time a booby-trapped pot field has been found in Shelburne County.

"We’re always cautious, though, when we go into the bush looking for marijuana," Mason said.

Last week, officers found and removed a total of 500 marijuana plants from four Shelburne County locations.

RCMP are always looking for information on outdoor grow-ops.

Marijuana is often cultivated late in the year, just before frost is expected.

Residents who suspect a marijuana grow-op in their neighbourhood should call the nearest RCMP detachment or Crime Stoppers, said Mason.

Michael said...

I don't know if these 2 news stories are connected ...but:


Driver not criminally responsible

By BRIAN MEDEL Yarmouth Bureau
Sat, Aug 20 - 4:54 am

YARMOUTH — A 59-year-old Shelburne County woman, Shirley Hartman... who allegedly beat a path to Yarmouth from Berwick in a stolen pickup truck last month has been found not criminally responsible.

Tinka said...

Good Morning Tina and Michael. What a nice looking couple in the nest. Please behave yourselves.

Tinka said...

SacBarb - We are rushing to get out to the farm to give the fish their early morning breakfast. I started to read your jokes and couldn't stop. They were so funny. I read them to Jack too so we started our day with a laugh. Thanks for that.

Tinka said...

Michael - Better start running. When Shirley catches you I am afraid you are DEAD MEAT.

Tinka said...

10

Tinka said...

Must run. Have a great weekend everyone. See you tomorrow.

Tinka said...

Michael - Thanks for the songs. I loved them.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Splat!

Afternoon Tina, Michael and Tinka!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

SacBarb those were funny! Thanks for sharing!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Michael I cannot comment on an on going investigation, however, the green leaves you saw sticking out of my purse was...um...well never mind.

As for the second article you posted...I AM NOT 59!!!!

iteach said...

Good afternoon everyone!

Thank you Barb, I needed a good laugh.:)

Hugs Mr. Michael, Tina, and Tinka!

Shirley you are 29!!

Michael said...

brings box of donuts in...sees Shirley...tosses donuts in the air.. screams and runs...

Michael said...

small joke alert!!


Just the other day Mrs Chihuahua said, "Pete, you're getting some wrinkles."

I said, "They're not wrinkles, they're laugh lines."

She said, "Pete.... Nothing's THAT funny."

Michael said...

fyi....

Thank you for your e-mail inquiry regarding catalogues for The Elizabeth Taylor Collection.

Christie’s will be selling the historic collection of Elizabeth Taylor, including her collection of jewelry, fashion, accessories, decorative arts and memorabilia, in a series of sales in New York:

The Legendary Jewels, Evening Sale
December 13, 2011

Jewelry (Sessions II & III)
December 14, 2011

The Icon and her Haute Couture, Evening Sale
December 14, 2011

Fashion and Accessories (Sessions II, III & IV)
December 15, 2011

Fine and Decorative Art & Film Memorabilia, including costumes
December 16, 2011

An e-mail notification will automatically be sent to you when catalogues are available for purchase.

We look forward to hearing from you again in the near future!

Sincerely,

Christie’s

Michael said...

the auction items will be displayed around the world prior to the auctions....

Pick a city...you won't want to miss these timeless treasures....

Exhibition Tour Schedule:

Moscow:
15-16 September
GUM, Red Square 3


London:
24-26 September
Christie's, 8 King Street, St. James’s


Los Angeles:
13-16 October
Venue TBD


Dubai:
23 October
Jumeirah Emirates Towers


Geneva:
11-12 November
Four Seasons Hotel, 33 quai des Bergues


Paris:
16-17 November
Christie's, 9 avenue Matignon


Hong Kong:
24-27 November
Hong Kong Convention and Exhibition Center


New York:
3-12 December
Christie's, 20 Rockefeller Plaza

Zona said...

Hi Guys!

BARB: Those were great! I liked Tuesday the best! :)

TINA: I miss George..ijs.. ;D

MICHAEL: I just heard that song on AGT! Who do you think will win?

Waving a wing at TINKA, SHIRLEY and ITEACH!

I'm headed for the pool..although I think I'd really much rather see The Elizabeth Taylor Collection..but since that's not likely to happen...KER-SPLASH!! :D

Have a nice day everyone!

Just_Lin said...

I would like to view the Liz collection in Paris. Please book me a flight. I would like to escape reality right now please.

Michael said...

poor J/L....

I know exactly what ur going thru and there is simply no escape...

Ur fortunate that you can be there with your Mother. I hope this isn't to hard on her...and that she is comfortable....

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Michael it'a damn good thing you ran from the room, cause I was going to kick you ass into next week for saying I was 59!

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Just Lin I'm so sorry. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I don't. Just know there is someone in Nova Scotia thinking about you tonight and sending (((((HUGS))))).

Michael said...

well phooey! Thats way better than what I wrote Shirley. To Linda I mean....

So I hope you don't mind if I ditto it..

sacBarb said...

Thanks for the comments everyone. I got a big chuckle out of these too.

Tina, How lovely you are moaning in first again.

Michael, How long do you think you can hide from Shirley?? Maybe you should plan to attend all of the cities on the Liz tour. Maybe by the last one, she will have cooled off.

Tinka, I hope you are having a relaxing time on the farm.

Shirley, Iteach and I both know you are only 29.

Zona, Tuesday was my fave too.

J/L, I'll go to Paris with you. Until then, sending (((hugs))) and prayers.