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Monday, March 26, 2012

~ How to Shower ~

by Tina~in_ut

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note-must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit; tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the “woo-woo” sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of yourself in the mirror and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth (you don’t use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
11. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
12. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
13. Pee (in the shower).
14. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
15. Partially dry off.
16. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire your size again.
17. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
18. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
19. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the “woo-woo” sound again.
20. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

25 comments:

Unknown said...

sigh....

Zona said...

TINA: LOL! After a broken tree branch and a backed up sink filled with black water..this is just what I needed..made me laugh and laugh some more..Thank you!! :D

Good Morning MICHAEL..you look lovely in first today..hopefully that was a good *sigh*.. :D

Tinka said...

Good Morning Michael and Zona - Hope you had a great weekend. You both look lovely..

Tinka said...

We went to Traci's birthday and had a good time. Both of us were wishing we were feeling better. I think they brought something back from Mexico because they came back with flu symptoms too. We wouldn't have gone there if we thought we were "carrying" something we could pass on to them.

Tinka said...

For my grand daughter's first birthday I bought her the first edition of the "Growing Up" series. I did the same when she was two. The next year I couldn't find #3. I solved that by buying the whole series up to age 16 and also "The Graduate". I had 15 boxes lined up at the back of my cupboard. Suddenly I am down to three. #15,16 and the graduate are all I have left. Where did those years go? I blinked and she became an "almost grown up" overnight. Now I have replaced them with the same series (only the little girls are blond instead of brunette) for my littlest grand daughter who is 4. Please God don't let these years go by so quickly.

Tinka said...

Tina - Your blog started my day with a laugh. I can't wait to show it to Jack when he gets home from the farm.

I am going to spend the day sipping on ginger ale and playing on my farms. What are you going to do today?

sacBarb said...

Tina, This made me really LOL and it brought back some memories...I won't say which ones. :)

Michael, How cute you look in first today.

Zona, Oh noooooo, not the dreaded sink back-up! I really hate when that happens. :(

Tinka, My grandson will turn 21 next month and I can't believe it. I can't even believe how OLD I've gotten. I hope you and Jack are feeling better very soon.

Unknown said...

Well I have a busy afternoon. First I am taking a set of draperies that I am donating to the Mount Holy Olive Shout & Praise Tabernacle....

Seems some of the members were using the baptistery for a hot tub or something like that in the wee hours of Sunday morning and caught the baptistery drapes on fire with their marijuana cigarettes....

Then I am taking Anna to Target to get "shower gifts" for people at her church that are getting married and are registered there. (rolls eye)

She doesn't know the people but said she was getting them gifts because they go to that church!

Did yall know the Church of Christ people think they are the only ones going to heaven....its true...lmao...just ask one!

Unknown said...

Barb!

Did you drive to church and how did that go!!?? The driving I mean...

Just_Lin said...

Michael Cute avatar and I like the hair. :)

Maybe you'll feel more enthused about your shopping excursion today if you think of it as shopping at a french store.

Just_Lin said...

Tina Personally, I think the part about men has more truisms in it that the female part. For one thing, I avoid all those soaps, shampoos, conditioners, etc., that havew really strong, fruity smells because they tend to set off my asthma. I also avoid looking in any mirrors at my nekkid body if at all possible. LOL

Just_Lin said...

Tinka I'm glad you made it to the birthday celebration. Hope you feel better as the day goes on.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb Hmmm, I think I know what parts brought back memories. LOL

Just_Lin said...

Zona Yuk! I hate when that heppens, too. Hope you got the sink situation cleared up without too much trouble.

Just_Lin said...

Today would have been my mother's birthday. I'm having a hard time about that. I'm going to try to stay busy and not think about it too much.

sacBarb said...

J/L, I so agree with not looking in the mirror. We are bracing for another storm which is coming off the coast near you.

Michael, Yes, I drove to church and I got there and back home safely. It was weird though, since I hadn't driven for over two months.

sacBarb said...

J/L-2, (((HUGS)))

Maureen said...

JUST LIN...my thoughts are with you today. {{{hugs}}}

TINA...men take longer then 2 minutes to get dressed. They need at least 5 in order to get the clothes back out of the hamper and smell them until they find ones that aren't too stinky!

Big change in our weather...supposed be a balmy 28 tonight!! The poor daffodils and apple blossoms will all freeze.

Maureen said...

TINKA...I hope you and Jack feel better soon.

Maureen said...

I have to share a funny story. My friend is getting her Masters degree on line and she has a ton of papers to type. Her husband set up her computer to be voice activated so she can have her hands free to turn pages, etc. Well, when she turns the page the computer types 'for for for for'... for each page she turns.
That isn't the funny part.
She had a bit of a gas issue and when she farted the computer typed...

but but but but...

I totally LOL'd!

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb and MO Thank you very much.

Just_Lin said...

MO Regarding your friend's gas issue.....LMAO!!!!

Just_Lin said...

The layout on this page is different again. Is it for anyone else?

Just_Lin said...

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Just_Lin said...

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