Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Never Wax Your Hoo Ha

by Jodi

I got the following from my friend Sandy that used to work at my store.  I havent' stopped giggling since.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal.  The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now the wax.  Read on…

My night began as any other normal weeknight.  Fix dinner and watch the grandkids come and go.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours…”maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet”.

So I headed to the site of my demise:  the bathroom.

It was one of those “cold wax” kits.  No melting a clump of hot wax; you just rub the strips together in your hand.  They get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.  No muss, no fuss.  How hard can it be?
I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out…..YA THINK?!!?  So I pull one of the thin strips out.  Its two strips facing each other….stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.  “Cold wax”….yeah, right!!  I lay the strip across my thigh, hold the skin around it tight and pull.  It works!!!

Ok, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but it wasn’t too bad.  I can do this!!  Hair removal no longer eludes me!  I am She-rah.  Fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.  After checking on the family, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship.  I drop my granny panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip).  I inhale deeply and brace myself…..RRRRIIIPPPP!!!

I’m blind!!!  Blinded from pain.  O M G!!!!!  Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the strip.  CRAP!!!  Another deep breath and RIP!!!  Everything is spinning and spotted.  I think I may pass out.  I must stay conscious….I must stay conscious.  Do I hear crashing drums?!!?  Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy.  A wax covered strip.   The one that has caused me so much pain; with my hairy pelt sticking to it.  I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.   I hold up the strip.  There’s no hair on it.  Where is the hair?????  WHERE IS THE WAX???  Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.  I see the hair.  The hair that should be on the strip.  It’s not!!!  I touch it.  I am touching wax.  I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake.  Remember my foot is still propped on the toilet, so I put my foot down.  Sealed shut!!  My butt is sealed shut.  I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop”….my head may pop off!!!

What can I do to melt the wax?  Hot water!  Hot water melts wax!  I’ll run the hottest water I can stand in the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe if off, right?!!?  I get in the tub.  The water is slightly hotter than used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment.  I sit.  Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.  In scalding hot water…which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!  God Bless the AT&T man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!  I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.  It’s a very good conversation starter.  “So, my butt and hoo ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!!”  There is a slight pause.  She doesn’t know any secret tricks for removal, but she does try to hide her laughter from me.  She wants to know exactly where the wax is located.  “Are we talking cheeks or hoo ha?”  She’s laughing out loud by now.  I can hear her.  I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.  YEAH….RIGHT!!!  I should be the joke of someone else’s night.

While we go through various solutions, I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.  Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!  

By now the brain is not working.  Dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.  My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace….the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.  What do I really have to lose at this point?  

I rub some on the area and O M G!!!!  The scream probably woke the family and scared the dickens out of my friend.  It is sooooo painful, but I really don’t care.  IT WORKS!!!

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.  I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE….ALL OF IT!!!  So I recklessly shave it off.  Heck, I’m numb by now.  Nothing hurts.  I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try coloring my hair.  How bad can that turn out?!!?


Dianne/Denver said...

Jodi, this is Hysterical. I accidentally woke early and checked to see if the blog was up and now I'm awake from laughing !!!! I kept getting the different visuals as the story went on. Very funny and now lets see if I can go back to sleep with wax on my mind. Thanks Jodi for the early morning (and I mean early) laugh.

Zona said...

JODI: OMG..that was sooo funny!! I was cringing and laughing as I read it! I tried cold wax once a long time ago on my 'bikini area' hurt like an sob!! I love the last line of this too..I say it all the time..maybe I shouldn't tempt fate by doing that..ya think?!! Thanks for the laughs this morning!

Good Morning DI!

Tinka said...

Good Morning Dianne and Zona.

Dianne Congrats on being first. I bet you are you back to sleep now.

Zona - Thanks for looking after my farms while I am gone this morning.

I have an eight o'clock dentist appointment and an eight thirty water therapy session. I couldn't sleep last night worrying that I wouldn't get up in time. Now I am exhausted. If I am not back on today you know I went to bed for the day when I got at noon.

Jodi - I will read your story tonight. It sounds hilarious.

Have a great day everyone.

Have a great day everyone.

Tinka said...

I don't know why my last sentence posted twice.

Lynn D said...

Morning Glories!

So many horrible things have happened after saying "how bad can that turn out". Emergency rooms across the country are a testament to that.

PS Common sense tells me to leave the hair around my Hoo ha alone. imjs

Waving at everyone!

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Good morning. This early rising stuff is getting to be a habit with you You look extra pretty in first today, though.

Just_Lin said...

HOdi Thanks for the laughs today. This i one thing I will never have to worry about.

Just_Lin said...

Zona Some projects are just too dangerous, especially do-it-yourself ones. kwim?

Just_Lin said...

Tinka I'm sorry you didn't sleep well last night. I hope your dentist appointment and water therapy went well.

Just_Lin said...

LynnD Ah, famous last words..."How bad can it turn out?". LOL

sacBarb said...

Jodi, I could see this happening, and the last line - famous last words! Thanks for sharing story with us. ;-)

Dianne, you must fight this urge to wake up early. It makes some of us look bad. BTW, the mega-hit for the final show of our Broadway season isn't Book of Mormon! It's Les Miserables and while everyone I know loves it, it isn't my fave. I find it depressing! Damn!

Zona, it's never good to tempt fate!

Tinka, I hope the dentist and water therapy didn't tire you out.

Lynn, always trust your common sense!

J/L, How's things? Is C still fighting fires?

I am off to usher for the last Music Circus show of this season. We will see Crazy For You. I've seen it about a dozen times, but I will still love it.


Lynn D said...

I am really bat shit cranky tonight. Just thought I would share.

Zona said...

TINKA: No was a piece of cake! The hard part was remembering to do it..I have some trouble with that.. :D

BARB: I really only say that when I'm cooking..LOL!! You know me..I knock on wood so much I've left dents from my knuckles in the desk and the table.. :D

One thing I do say though is "What's the worse they could say? No?" I bet there are a lot worse that I think about it.. ;)

LYNN: I wish you had a place all to yourself to paint and craft..I bet it would help keep those crankies away. :)

J/LIN: That's so true..I sure learned my lesson!! :D

btw..speaking of the ER and people trying projects they shouldn't..did I ever tell you guys that Randy's fingernail really did grow back like a talon? Only one piece of the nail grew in..and it does look kinda talon like..I should send in a photo

Zona said...


whabbear said...

OMG, that was painful to read! Even for me!

There are some benefits to being a bear...

Just_Lin said...

LynnD Bat shit cranky, huh? That's pretty damn cranky. I'll just lay low over here in the corner.

Just_Lin said...

Bear I guess bears don't have to worry about "un"bearing themselves, thankfully.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb I have no desire to see Les Miserables. I think that is because I started reading it once long ago and found it depressing, too.

Just_Lin said...

Zona Oh, yes. Let's see a pic of Randy's nail.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb I forgot to say that C and his group have been on mandatory rest but the unit will be dispatched back the Trinity Ridge fire. He's not going this time, though, as an elderly family member is failing and he may have to take a trip because of that at a moments notice. Plus, he said he(C) isn't bouncing back as fast as he once did and he is still feeling pretty fatigued.

Zona said...

J/LIN: LOL!!'s too icky. It surprises me sometimes how much it still hurts him..I guess because the severed nerves never really heal..

Hot day today..wears me out sometimes..I'm going to call it a night..take care everyone..sweet dreams.

whabbear said...

J/L: Precisely! If they did, they'd lose their bear status!