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Friday, November 25, 2011

Ten worst gifts to buy a woman

by Shirley

1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. One allowed choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)

2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.

3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."

4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.

5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the beautiful woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).

6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.

7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.

8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, that's like wearing white after Labor Day.

9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.

10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.

34 comments:

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Splat!!

MiChAeL said...

Good morning Shirley!

Funny blog...

"This Windex should last you a while."....ha hahahaha

MiChAeL said...

I keep a surplus of these Denman Vent Brushes on hand. I think they are the best brush I have ever used for finishing your hair.

A hairbrush! I know!....genius!

MiChAeL said...

We had a BIG football game last night at Kyle field.

In a rivalry tradition that dates back to 1894 which ended last night because of the Aggies acceptance into the SEC for 2012....The crowd of 88,645 was euphoric as the Aggies took a late lead in the fourth quarter. The stadium shook as fans yelled during the Longhorn's final drive. But the chilly Thanksgiving night ended in silence as the Longhorns kicked a game winning field goal in the final 2 seconds to win the game 27 - 25.

The importance of the game was clear all night as the temperature dropped by almost 20 degrees. The crowd that packed the stadium was the second largest in Kyle Field history. Hundreds of students sat in seats placed on the track surrounding the field. About 200 other fans stood and watched the game in the alley behind the bleachers of the north end zone.

The crowd included a former president, George H. W. Bush; a senator, John McCain of Arizona, and a governor, A&M alumnus Rick Perry. Two Heisman trophy winners, Texas' Earl Campbell and A&M's John David Crow, and at least one actor, CSI Miami's Rex Linn, were in attendance.

No doubt that Bush...McCain and Perry probably jinxed the game...damned republicans....lol

Tinka said...

Today blogger let me in. I don't understand why the blog is the only place I can't enter. Has someone put a lock on the gate?

Yesterday I tried many times to post in order to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. Thank you Zona for relaying my message. I was thinking about all of you sitting down to a big turkey dinner. We had a huge wind storm. It didn't start until after lunch. By that time Jack had taken the ferry across the strait to Vancouver to pick up fish from his producers. The wind came up and stopped all ferries stranding him on the mainland. They didn't start up again until evening. Needless to say I ate all alone feeling sorry for myself as all my blogger friends were having a big party. I almost fuelled up our private jet and dropped in on some of you. I hope you all had a wonderful day. It seems so long ago that we had our Thanksgiving. I wish it were the same day as yours.

Tinka said...

Good Morning Shirley. Congrats on being first and sending in a great blog. It is all so true.

Good Morning Michael - That must have been some game to bring people out in that cold weather. I think I would have stayed at home and watched it on TV.
By the way that is a very creative way to write your name using small and capital letters. However if you had been in my grade one class I would have made you change it to only one capital at the beginning of your name. I guess that's the fun of being an adult. You don't have to listen to the teacher.

Tinka said...

My Christmas cakes turned out really tasty. I am sending one to the nest for "a little taste of England".
I think I will start my decorating today. I can only do so much in a day. Once you turn 36 you just don't have as much energy. Isn't that right Dianne?

Tinka said...

I wonder how many of you are out shopping on Black Friday? I think they could have picked a less ominous name for the day. Here people get in line to be first at the Boxing Day sales, the day after Christmas. It just isn't my style. I would rather pay full price rather than sit on the sidewalk for hours.

Tinka said...

Wishing you all a fun day. I must feed my "fur babies". See you tomorrow.

Tinka said...

10

MiChAeL said...

Hi Tinka...

Sorry to hear about Jack getting stranded....

I have been wanting to ask you about something that happened in 1939. I know you were still a baby but I was wondering if you have any photos or memorabilia from King George VI and Elizabeths Canadian visit that year that possibly belonged to your parents.

There is some great video on youtube and I have located and read wonderful letters mailed between Eleanor Roosevelt and the Queen (they also visited Washington DC). It is all so interesting with the onset of WWII after the royal visit.

I have also found menus for Dinners and a picnic as well as a video of a popular group of women singers that entertained them call the Coon Creek Girls....

May I present the Coon Creek Girls..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_PJqqSmKAdQ

Lynn D said...

Hi everyone!

Shirley I agree with all of these except the flannel. I love flannel pj's.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving!

Tina~in_ut said...

Good Black Friday to you all~ I've been shopping and to werk~ and back home again~ I went to Robert's Crafts this morning at 6am...they opened at 6....there was no way i was going to wait in a line...so I waited until the line made it into the store and walked in....their Cricut cartridges were $9.99....people were 15 deep in front of the display...some people walked on top of shopping carts to get to them....I just waited until people put ones down that they didn't want~ :D

and werk was dead so I got to leave early~ yay!

Now I'm doing a load of wash...have to make my mom a birthday card...then maybe some more shopping~

Shirley~ ur beautiful in first and thanks for sending the blag~

Michael~ that brush doesn't werk on my hair~ It's too thick and beautiful~ :)~

Tinka~ So glad you found ur way in today~

LynnD~ I agree about the flannel~

MiChAeL said...

Tina...I know the brush is thick and wonderful but get the girl to show you again how to brush your hair...

you might be able to stop using so much of that VO5 hairdressing cream on ur hairs...

sacBarb said...

Happy Black Friday Owls.

Shirley, Love the blog. My husband bought me a lawn mower for my birthday one year. It was really a joke that all the kids were in on too. But for a while I thought it was my real gift and I tried to fake appreciation, but I'm sure I didn't pull it off well. Then he gave me a beautiful watch and all was well.

Waving a wing to MiChAel, Tinka Lynn, Tina and all the Owls. BBL

Just_Lin said...

Shirley Congrats on being so shiney and beautiful today. It's not so lovely here.....wet and gray.

Thanks for the blog. I especially liked the one about not buying gifts for her that are things you really want, i.e., a power drill. Come to think of it, men like power tools so maybe that's why they assume a woman would like to recieve a "female" power tool, such as a vaccuum, as a gift. They don't seem to realize that our version of a power tool woulod be a really good vibrator. LOL

Just_Lin said...

Tinka Don't read my comment to Shirley!

I'm sure your cakes are delicious. I wish we could all get together and have cakes and tea. Wouldn't that be lovely? I'm sure sorry we couldn't get together that time I was there in Victoria. Are you still in contact with VIG?

Just_Lin said...

Michael That sounded like an exciting football game. The one I watched was disappointing. The 49ers lost to the Ravens, even with Dianne helping us along with her cheers. Maybe she needs to re-fluff her pom-poms.

Just_Lin said...

LynnD But, do you have flannel pajamas with a flap in the back?

Just_Lin said...

Tina Now I know why you were sleeping so much the other day. It was to get ready for the sales and working today. I'm surprised that there is any Cricut item out there that you don't already own. I just can't get up the enthusiasm to fight with the crowds. It gets me in a very bad mood.

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb That's a funny joke your husband and kids played on you. I guess the lawnmower was the gift he really wanted for himself. He had the good sense to get some bling for you. You "raised" him right. :)

Just_Lin said...

I guess I should put this turkey avatar away.

Just_Lin said...

Question: Is this a Blue-footed Booby or is it Tina in her new Crocs?

MiChAeL said...

J/L...exciting yes....but this whole town is depressed that the Aggies didn't win!!

Aggie football is a huge deal here...especially that game...

Just_Lin said...

24

Just_Lin said...

Oh, I got 25! Thanks for boosting me up, Michael.

MiChAeL said...

Dian...DIANNE...

FLUFF UR POMPOMS IF YOU...I MEAN...WHEN YOU WAKE UP!!

MiChAeL said...

I LOVE THAT BLUE FOOTED BOOBY!!

very cute J/L!!

Dianne/Denver said...

Im awake MICHAEL!!!!

Thanks for the funny blog Shirley and I totally agree with it

My daughter is in the hospital. She passed out shopping last night. The hospital says she had a seizer. My granddaughters were hysterical about their mom. They r keeping her at least another day for testing. They say it may not ever happen again or she may need meds. It has been very scary.

Dianne/Denver said...

My Pom pons r fluffed. I still need them for Sundays bronco game. I cheered loud JL--- sorry

MiChAeL said...

omg Dianne...I hope it was maybe the stress of shopping with the crowds or something like that...

Hope it wasn't actually a seizure...damn.

Just_Lin said...

Dianne I was so sorry to hear that your daughter is in the hospital. Like Michael, I'm hoping she just fainted and didn't have an actual seizure. What makes them think it was a seizure? I've passed out once after going to a casino in Tahoe (almost did it on a second occasion, also at Tahoe casino). I think it had to do with the crowds, lack of fresh air, and the din of the noise from the machines.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Evening Michael, Tinka, Lynn D, Tina, SacBarb, Just Lin and Dianne! Thanks for the comments on the blog! When I first read it I thought you guys would get a chuckle or two from it.

Shirley(NCC-1701) said...

Dianne sorry to hear about your daughter being in the hospital. I hope everything turns out for the best. I can relate to your granddaughters. My sister had seizures and it is very scary to watch someone go through that. ((((HUGS)))) for all of you.