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Saturday, January 7, 2012

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

by Dianne


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' . . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' . . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes ,
Seattle , WA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, 'How long have you
been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-
Corvallis , OR

I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . . 'So how's your breakfast this morning?'                                                          
     'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
A foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered . . . It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. 
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read . . . 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,
 
AND FINALLY!!! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said. . .
'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .
'I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener.'

Dr. wouldn't submit his name....
 
 
1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit
This made me laugh out loud.
I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed, ' she replied..
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
I know, 'she said, 'I'm his Grandma,

But I'm glad I came'

38 comments:

Tina~in_ut said...

Good Moaning~

Tina~in_ut said...

Those were funny.......thx for the blog, Dianne~

Maureen said...

Good Moaning TINA! R U feeling better?

DIANNE...hilarious! I liked the last one best!! Too funny!!

Lynn D said...

Morning Glories!

Thanks for the laughs this morning Dianne.

I am getting ready to eat breakfast and then get Richard bundled up. He and I are going on a play date with Angels Grandkids. Shhhhh don't tell them we are going to take them to Lattins cider mill and farm. They love this place.

Lynn D said...

Waving at Tina and Mo!

Tinka said...

Good Morning Tina - Hope you are feeling better.

Tinka said...

Good Morning Maureen - I liked the last one best too. The ending surprised me.

Tinka said...

Good Morning Lynn - Have fun with Angel's grandkids. I won't tell them where you are going. The secret is safe with me.

Tinka said...

We are having a lazy, sitting by the fire, listening to the wind and rain on the roof, kind of Saturday. I like days like this.

Tinka said...

10

Maureen said...

LYNN...sounds like a fabulous day. Have fun!

TINKA...are you feeling more rested? How is Jack doing?

Michael said...

Morning ladies...

THAT WAS FUNNY DIANE!!

Michael said...

Its like spring here...

The saying goes...if you don't like the weather in Texas wait a few hours...it will change...

I like Tinkas weather today better!

Tinka said...

Good Morning Michael - Is that chair for Jodi? She will have fun swinging in that.

Yes I like our weather today. It's cozy in here. However after a few days of it I would gladly change weather with you.

I am still enjoying my chair. Thank you.

Tinka said...

Maureen - Yes I am feeling more rested. Jack is still sleeping a lot. I think he is a little depressed because he knows he can't continue with his farming the way he has done for years. I don't want him to sell the farm just cut his business in half. He kind of feels it is all or nothing.

Tina~in_ut said...

Oh Tinka~ U are a gem~ I hope Jodi enjoys her chair, too~

Just_Lin said...

Tina Good morning and good moaning. You are looking better today. How do you feel?

Just_Lin said...

Dianne Those were funny. I think I need to go borrow a baby. LOL

Just_Lin said...

MO Yoo Hoo! Waving at you way over there!

Just_Lin said...

LynnD Sounds like a fun day. Did Richard give you a good weather report for an outing?

Just_Lin said...

Tinka I'm sorry that Jack is feeling down. Probably not surprising comsidering the circumstances. I hope he can make peace with a new, slower pace. Maybe it's time to stop and smell the roses.

Just_Lin said...

Michael ROFLMAO! I can't wait for HOdi to come and see her new chair. Now is she expected to use that while we're all present?

Michael said...

Hi J/L....

Jodi could take a stab at getting in it here....but it really takes 2 to filly enjoy those slings...ah...I mean things...CHAIRS!..CHAIRS!

lol@ borrowing a baby..."an underweight baby" mind you...

Michael said...

just a heads up...Oprah is going to visit Joel Olsteen...the pastor of the largest mega-church in the country....you know...the cute one...and his wife...the one sued by the Continental flight attendant...

in Houston...on her new show Sunday night at 8pm on OWN. Last week she was visiting Steven Tyler. It was really good...

whabbear said...

Good Saturday morning, all! I'm giddy... typing this from a Dim Sum restaurant courtesy of my new "My Fi"! Internet access everywhere! Yay!

Tinka, sorry to hear about the business, and Jack getting down about it!

Tinka said...

Hi Just_Lin - Yes it's time for Jack to stop and smell the roses. It's hard however when you don't feel like stopping.

Hi Whabbear - I think we all have to face our mortality at one time or another. We are young for such a short time.

Jodi said...

MICHAEL - Oh my flippin' hell!!!! Haven't been home to see my "chair", so I'm peeking on my phone! I have many talents .... balancing and flexibility being two ;)

Michael said...

I hope u like it Jodi...it was a no brainer!! lol

Tomorrow is SacBarbs chair...

Michael said...

there is a GOP wannabes debate tonight...New Hampshire! I love those things! ALL THE WAY WITH RICK SANTORUM!!! Have you ever googled his name? :o

And a new SNL!!!

sacBarb said...

Happy Saturday Owls.

Dianne, very funny blog especially the last item.

Tina, congrats on being prettiest today.

Lynn, Have fun with the kids on their play date. I hope you/re feeling better today.

Tinka, (((HUGS))) to you and Jack.

Michael, I can't imagine what kind of chair you have picked out for me.

Mo, Hi, How are you?

J/L, LOL @ looking for a baby.

Jodi, Good to know about your talents.

sacBarb said...

Gotta get back to my task at hand. I am cleaning out the back bedroom. Chad and Todd are both coming and one of them will need to get to the bed in that room. I have been using that room as storage and have just kept the door closed. Now I have to figure out what to do with all the crap that is in there. I've already got 2 garbage bags filled with stuff for Goodwill.

Have a great day everyone. BBL

Just_Lin said...

SacBarb I'm glad that both your boys are coming. They are guys, which means as long as there is a path to get to the bed, they don't care about the rest. Don't overdo!

Zona said...

Hi Guys!!

DI: Very funny stuff..liked "had to mow the lawn" the best! :D

TINA: Congrats on First..yeehaw!! ;D

MO: What's for dinner? :D

LYNN: I bet you, Angel and the kids had a blast!

TINKA: I wish I could send you some of this sunny weather..I think you would like it! :)

MICHAEL: I just saw one of those chairs on Desperate Housewives!

JODI: Flexibility and balance are gonna be a must! :D

BARB: I'm gonna echo J/LIN..please don't over do.. :)

HI BEAR! I'm glad you're enjoying your My Fi..I'm also glad you explained what it is.. :D

J/LIN: Update..all Christmas decorations still up..I knew it!! ;D

Well the helicopters hovered over the neighborhood for about 4 hours..The police announced they were sending in the canine units..and then....nothing. Everyone left about an hour later. I can't find anything about it in the paper..I don't know what was going on. Weird.

Randy is making dinner tonight..gotta run..Have a good night everyone! :)

whabbear said...

Hi, Zona!

Tinka, boy is that the truth! I was ruminating on that very issue while going on my long walks in Palm Springs last week. The weather was so gorgeous, and I was just trying to live in the moment, thankful that I'm still ambulatory and still in my 50's!

Just_Lin said...

Whabbear Yes, enjoy your 50's because they are gone before you know it. Sad but true.

Just_Lin said...

Zona Still have tree and decorations up in the house. I did get the wreath off the door today, though.

Dianne/Denver said...

Thanks for the comments today and hello to everyone. My mouse on computer is not working so until Louis comes home, I'm on the iPhone.

Snowing and cold tonight. Loy's of good football on today and tomorrow our game. Steelers r favored by about a million points but we r excited to be in playoffs

Thanks again and glad u all enjoyed blog. I've now run out of jokes to send Tina so I will be watching for new ones

Tina~in_ut said...

12 freaking degrees!!!!!~