Paul

today's daily blog was
sent to me by East Bay J

it makes you think how
life is just so very precious~~


Paul by East Bay J

I met Paul on December 23rd.

Paul was born on December 22nd. For some reason, I can't remember if it was 1994 or 1995.

I had come into work and looked at the assignment board, and that day I would be taking care of baby Paul.

I started to get report from the day shift nurse. Baby Paul had been born at another hospital, a seemingly normal, healthy, full term little boy.

Something happened, tho.

His mom had been holding him, and he stopped breathing. She might have been dozing, but she didn't immediately know that Paul was not breathing.

When she had looked down and saw he was blue, she ran out of the hospital room, carrying Paul, yelling for help. The staff immediately started resuscitation, and got him to the nursery where he was intubated and put on a ventilator.

He was transferred to our hospital, where he would get the Level III/advanced care he needed.

He had arrived to my hospital earlier that day. He had been given all kinds of tests, tests to find out why he stopped breathing, tests to see if his organs were working normally, and a test to see if his brain was active.

The news was not encouraging. Baby Paul's first brain test, the EEG, showed that there was no activity.

The EEG would be repeated the next day. Then further decisions were to be made.

I spent the evening shift taking care of Paul. There really was not too much to do for him, just make sure his iv's and ventilator were running correctly, that he was staying warm, checking his vital signs. His parents and other family and friends were there the whole time, they took turns holding Paul, and changing his diapers. We dressed him in cute baby clothes.

His mom showed me his outfit that they had picked out for the special time when he would go home. I remember watching her as she looked at him, searching with her eyes for answers. What could possibly have gone wrong? He was a full-term, chubby, healthy baby with blond hair and blue eyes. A normal, uneventful pregnancy and normal delivery.

No one knew what had gone wrong, there were not yet any answers. Tests so far had revealed nothing. The staff at my hospital could offer nothing more than our support and hugs.

At midnight, I gave report to the nurse who would take over Paul's care. I drove home with a heavy heart, knowing what would probably happen the next day. I dreaded going to work the next day and actually considered calling off and telling them I was sick.

The next day, I was surprised and relieved to find that I was not assigned to baby Paul. I would be working in the newborn nursery.

As I started to take over for the evening shift, a co-worker came to me and I just knew what she was going to ask. She asked me to trade assignments, she had been assigned to baby Paul and could not do it. I said ok and headed to the NICU.

When I walked in, I was not surprised to learn that the decision had been made to remove Paul from life support. His brain test earlier in the day revealed the same, no activity. There was a woman from the organ donor program, speaking to Paul's parents. She had forms in her hand and they were deciding whether to sign them. My heart was breaking and I wanted to run out of there so fast.

The whole evening seems like a blur to me now. There were all kinds of people, in and out, and I wanted them all to go away so I could take care of my baby. I guess I was just dreading what was to come and wanted it all to stop.

We cleared a small room that we normally used for meetings, quiet time, there was even a breast pump in there. Paul's family, friends, and a priest were entering the room.

My job was to remove Paul's iv's, then finally the ventilator tubing from his throat. Then hand him to his mom and dad who would hold him for his final time on earth.

In all my years of nursing, this was not something I had ever had to do. We had lost babies before, usually they were too tiny or something was wrong with them and we knew ahead that they would die. But never had I seen a seemingly normal, healthy baby suddenly go bad and have to be removed from life support.

When it was time, I helped Paul's mom dress him in his special going-home outfit. We put a cute hat on him, wrapped him in a blanket. I had removed all connections to him and cried the whole time. I did something that I didn't often do and we were not encouraged to do, I kissed his little hand and his little cheek. I took him to the room and gave him to his parents.

I remember thinking "fly away, little angel" and closed the door.