by Shirley
Carol always writes about what is on her mind and when things are bothering her so I guess tonight I am doing the same. I should be going to bed but the thoughts just keep swirling around in my head. Maybe writing them down will make me able to settle down and sleep.
As most of you or all of you know by now my mother has terminal cancer. Over a year ago she was told she had 6-14 months left to live. My siblings and I never expected her to live till Christmas and here it is March 22 and she is still with us. But as I sit here tonight with my thoughts I have to wonder if her being here now with us is such a good thing. This damn cancer is eating her alive! Imagine that. Eating her alive.
She told me tonight that she is totally blind now in her left eye. She can see out of her right but not perfectly. Every hour of every day she is in pain. Every second she is here, alive, she is in pain. What kind of life is that? Should we feel grateful for that? No. I can't. If she wasn't here I know I would want her to be, but I don't want her living like this. No one should. In pain, depressed and not able to do the things she likes. or liked.
I have never had a close relationship with mum...never been able to really talk to her or her to me. Even tonight when she told me about her eye I didn't have any words. I'm not looking for sympathy here, just a place to speak my mind. Please hold back on your prayers too, cause I don't believe in them. I appreciate everyone here and I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. As aweful as it may sound I wait each day for the phone to ring and someone on the other end to tell me mum has passed. Then I'll know the pain has stopped.
58 comments:
Bamm!!
Well good morning, DeeDee and congrats again!
Jeeze, Shirley. Cancer does suck. What an ugly disease. It takes a strong person to be there for someone who has it. I knew Mum was sick, but not that she had cancer. Does your family realize how lucky they are to have you in it?
Morning Glories!
Bammm! Deedee
Shirley I sometimes wonder if it is harder on the cancer patient or their loved ones who have to watch the cruel process of losing a loved one. I am sorry your, Mum, you and everyone in your family has to go through this.
Is it even humane? I don't know. All we can do is try to ease the suffering where we can and let the person know we love them.
Vent away we are here, prayers or no prayers. Just having a shoulder to lean on is a gift at the worst of times.
Love you!
Good Morning.. Dee, Bonacci, Lynn..
You put your thoughts on paper well Shirley....I enjoy reading your writing.....but your story today makes me sad for you and your family....and I can sympathize....
My friend Lisa that I have told you all about is doing well. Doctors just can't predict when cancer will finish you off....8 months ago they gave her 6 months....
I haven't really admitted this before but with each complication part of me wants it to be over for her so that she doesn't have to suffer like I have seem people suffer....
She is ready to go and I hope she gets to before things get ugly...
My Father died quickly...like flipping a switch at 59....I watched my vivacious..vibrant Mother transformed into something by far less dignified than I ever wanted to see as her life slowly ended...
But no....its not living when you are at the point that you are miserable and you know its only going to get worse.....
What it is though...to me...is unfair....we are sooo concerned about prisoner torture.....why aren't we more concerned with this form of torture.
I believe in assisted suicide...euthanasia...whatever you want to call it. I keep seeing articles about a clinic in Switzerland where people from the U.K. and other European countries go for the purpose of ending their lives...(not on a whim...u must be terminal)
And then you have the United States where politicians are so "steeped" in Christian faith that they believe that your personal business is their business.....
"OH!! GOD SAID YOU CAN"T KILL YOURSELF!! YOU'LL GO TO HELL!!"
Well maybe he was drunk when he said that because its stupid....and personally I don't care who said it...wrote it or pissed it in snow...if my life becomes a "work" in misery....I will end in a place like this clinic where I don't have to worry about a bunch of pro-life fanatics bursting in and snatching my poison apple!
And "YOU'LL GO TO HELL!".....indeed!! Preposterous!!
Its bad enough to lose a parent...but to have to watch them destroyed mentally and physically...bit by bit....until death is such a relief....is so hard...
I don't understand it....we don't even let that happen to our pets....
This is a very personal issue for the dying and I hope your Mum's wishes are respected.....
Good Morning Hooters!
Congrats on 1st DeeDee
Hi Bona& Lynn,
Shirley- you are right, cancer sucks. I am not going to offer you any pity or prayers. I am just going to offer support.
My dad suffered for many,many years with the effects of diabetes. I watched him die slowly from a disease just as devastating as cancer. Toward the end I would have done assisted suicide if he ever contemplated. I always said if he wanted me to call Dr. Kevorkian I would have.
I totally get your feeling- and I hope that the call you get is soon. For your sake and your mums.
Shirley..
Yes, I do write what is on my mind, and usually it makes me feel better, It also makes me understand the words better that are rolling around in my head..
Sickness is so hard, esp when its happening to a loved one, to watch someone in pain is awful. I went thru it with Aunt Jo. We just all wanted her to be at peace, and not hurt anymore, and when the time came that she was at peace, we wanted her back. I saw Cancer at its ugliest just as you are seeing and I hate it as well. Emotions are all over the place, its so damn hard. And yes, no one should have to live this way, it is something so hard to understand, Why? Unfortunately there is no answer, we have to deal with what is handed to us. We must be there for them, love them as we can, even if its a phone call and give them dignity.
Shirley..
Your blog was very well written, and I have a feeling the words just flowed.. I am glad you felt as if you could share with us..
♥♥
Goldie..
You popped in as I was typing.. Good Morning..
Dee..
You said "I don't understand it....we don't even let that happen to our pets...."
So true...
Goldie..
You said "I am not going to offer you any pity or prayers. I am just going to offer support."
Perfect!
Lynn..
You said "Just having a shoulder to lean on is a gift at the worst of times"
♥♥
Bonacci..
You said "Jeeze, Shirley. Cancer does suck"
Yes, it totally does..
Geez.. we have so many wise owls..
:O)
Ok.. I have to start my day here @ work.. lots to do..
Hope all has a good day..
:O)
oh Shirley~ what a powerful blog! this really hit home....well not my home in UT....the one i used to live in in CA~ Even before they told us dad's cancer was back, I had come to some sort of peace with the fact that my dad is going to die. In fact, I want him to go before the cancer takes him (you should see him drive with his fused neck!) omg! He just had 3 weeks off all chemo (pills) before starting the intravenous nasty stuff. they were the best three weeks he's had in 3 years. I had a long talk with him on Monday and he was telling me that he had forgotten what it was like to feel human. The drugs are poison and we know he only takes them for us. I let him know a month or two ago that whatever he wanted to do was okay with me....taking the stuff or not....my family doesn't believe in euthanasia, but we do believe in prayer~ And there is nothing wrong with praying that God takes those that are suffering~ I will say a prayer for your family as well....and I know you don't believe, but it's a North American law that we are required to pray for each other! It's in the Bible....under "things Tina or DeeDee makes up!" (I threw in the DeeDee part....she's gonna try and take credit anyway...thought I'd head her off at the pass!) Crap! I just realized you don't believe in the Bible either.....well phooey! That was a waste of a post! Oh forget it....I'm gonna make you read this anyway! PUBLISH!!!!!! ~
Shirley~ you can skip the above comment.....here's my real one:
What a powerful blog....I'm so glad you shared it with us....xooxoxoxo~
morning Hooters!
Shirley,I hate that ugly word too! I have lost a BIL & SIL to cancer. They both had long painful endings. I lost a friend who, from diagnosis to the end, was less that 6 wks! It is all so out of our control!
You expressed your feelings well. I am glad you shared with us.
Flying home today,I have had internet problems & can only stay connected for a few minutes at a time! I have read the blogs...quickly, but unable to answer. I hope I can send this comment off before I get dropped!
See yah !!
SHIRLEY: Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I also think it helps to put them down in writing sometimes to just get it all out.
I watched my parents both pass from cancer...my dad took two years and my mom took three weeks. I miss them and felt sad when they died but I knew they were doing what that had been waiting for...and I could never have wished them back as they were at that point. Mom and Dad were both in their early 80's. I think I came to terms with it before they passed away just watching them.
On the other hand I think most of you know that I lost one of my very best friends in August and he was much younger than my parents. I miss him every day and want to call him for a laugh. We had been friends for about 35 years. He also was sick and got worse from March thru August. I knew he needed to leave the earth and was very religious and was ready but this is one time....I was not ready even watching him so sick. I know I was being selfish. Of course, I wouldn't wish him back as he was either...but I wasn't ready for him to pass away.
Anyway, I see a post from a friend of a friend with her child and she wears a little shirt that says Cancer is Stupid.
SHIRLEY: We are all here for support for one another and hope writing was good for you. I won't offer prayers (but I still do them) but I will offer friendship.
Just wanted to say good moring to DeeDee, Bona, Lynn, Tina, Goldie, Carol and Mary.
MARY: I will never understand where all my money goes that I give you to win for me in Vegas. I guess you will bringing it to Chicago in a big bag for me...no checks please.
I had my final bridge put in Tuesday after all the root canal in, root canal out and temp bridge and I hate to say it....but it just doesn't feel right and I can't chew on that side....so back I go on Monday. The issue too is that it hurts on the other side that I pulled that cap off with a piece of licorice. They were able to put the cap back on but it just hurts over there. No wonder I have those dreams about my teeth falling out....except that the dreams have been my whole life and my dental issues have been since May. I did talk to the root canal office yesterday and instead of charging my insurance the full amount the refunded the insurance check...I thought that was nice because it wasn't their fault.
Ok...I have complained and bitched enough....need to get in the shower since I didn't even get dressed on my snow day yesterday....and JODI....no Bruce never showed up....what a surprise so get after him!!
DeeDee: Congrats on first, this has been a recording..please stay tuned tomorrow for the same message. Thank you.
Shirley: I won't say anything but good for you for getting your feelings OUT. My relationship with my Mom is complicated too. I admire your strength, it must be hard to go through living this. I hope that your Mom has some peace. AND, I hope you, my friend have some too.
If I won the lottery tomorrow the first thing I would do is get you on a plane and away from your life for a while and help you to meet your friends in Chicago. Of all the people I am looking forward to meeting, I am just as sad that you can't be there because you would appreciate it the most. Keep strong.
Dianne: Sorry to hear about your teeth issues.
Happy Thursday Owls.
I'm just making a quick fly-by before I head out to have my taxes done.
Shirley,You wrote a powerful blog. I always felt my husband was very blessed because he died suddenly of a massive heart attack. From the time he told me he was having chest pains to the time he died was all of 15 minutes. It was exactly the way he wanted it to be, although probably not at the age he thought. He was 51.
A very good friend of mine had just lost her husband after he suffered for two years with cancer. She told me "at least you didn't have to see him suffer" and I agreed that was a good thing. I only wish the kids and I had had the chance to say goodbye. My youngest even wrote a poem about it that I posted on MySpace.
I hope your Mum finds peace soon and I wish the same for you and your family.
I'll be back later to read the comments. Have a good day everyone.
I have been thinking about this...and the hearts you all send me....stop it..btw....lq
Lynn D got after me one day and said it was peoples way of letting me know they love me and to be more gracious......I am not more gracious....but I understand what she was saying....and although I still raise hell about them...it is sweet.....
Its that way with prayers Shirley....if nothing else it lets you know that someone cares and its their way of showing it....people express themselves in different ways....
To say "I will pray for you" is certainly wishing you well....and I know you accept all the love coming your way because whether its one of those damned hearts or a bouquet or even a prayer....it all amounts to the same thing....love...
and at the end of everything...for all of us....I believe love is all that will have ever mattered.....
SHIRLEY: I am so sorry to hear that your mom is in so much pain and I'm sorry as well for the emotional pain and turmoil that you and your family are going through. Cancer is a vicious disease. I hate it more than I could ever say. I lost my father to cancer..he fought so hard and so bravely, but in the end he was no match for it. It robbed him of his strength, of the light in his eyes..and it left only pain. We could do nothing to stop it as it took him away from us. The feeling of helplessness was almost overwhelming. It was so very hard to watch. A few years later my aunt, my mom's sister, was diagnosed with lung cancer. She was a woman of fierce determination..but she too lost her fight.
SHIRLEY, I know how much it hurts to watch someone you love go through this. My heart truly goes out to you. I'm glad that you shared your thoughts and your feelings with us. Whenever you need to cry, or talk, or yell out in frustration..someone will always be here to listen and offer love and understanding. And when you feel tired..take some of our strength, because this nest has some of the strongest people in it that I have ever known.
I know you said you didn't want prayers..but I can't honestly say I won't slip your name into mine each day. I can be annoying that way.
We have all written about how Cancer has touched our lives... I've talked about my best friend from high school and college several times. He died at 22. That experience saddened, and changed, me forever.
And now for a rant. Following on Dee Dee's points, I, too, fail to see how it is God's plan to make some people suffer terribly from this terrible disease, and then tell them they have to endure it until the violence it inflicts on their body kills them, and if they try to end the suffering by their own hand, they'll suffer some punishment in the afterlife.
And more. Cancer makes me angry. Given that we all have these stories of pain and suffering, I fail to see how we, as a society, aren't spending the amount we do today on cancer research and treatment to support our armed forces, and spending the amount we do today on our armed forces to instead fund cancer research and treatment.
I just don't get it. Why are we all so quick to sympathize with each other's losses, yet we don't actively seek to change public policies and expenditures in a way that would eliminate this scourge? Why are we so many us us so gung-ho on putting our time and effort into anti-abortion efforts, and pro-gun lobbying, and supporting warmaking, and opposing health care reform (and, yes, same-sex marriage... I'm engaging in some self-criticism here too), instead of on this issue?
Is cancer kind of like the annual slaughter on our highways? Something we just accept as necessary sacrifices, like the unlucky individuals in Shirley Jackson's short story "The Lottery" who are periodically selected to be stoned to death?
Hello everyone. I haven't been here in a while. I just read a few blogs back and enjoyed them. Some very humorous. ZONA you really could write a best selling novel.
SHIRLEY - So many feelings go through us when a person we love is dying. It is good that you feel comfortable sharing them with us. I think of you often Shirley, even though I haven't been very attentive lately.
Wow DeeDee got first! Congrats!
Just a little update from when I wrote this blog a couple days ago. My sister stopped by the office this afternoon and said she had just taken mum to a doctor appointment (which I didn't know she had)and the results of her chest xray (which I didn't know she had)showed a nodule (sp) on her one of her lungs. "Nothing to worry about." the doctor said. WTF? Anyway her morphine has also been increased.
I've read all your comments and I appreciate the support, I really do. I don't think I'm as great a daughter as some of you think. I have been using work and being tired as excuses for not going to see mum and I justify that by a phone call to her several times a week.
Bonachichi it IS an ugly disease. I feel more like a coward though than a strong person, but thanks!
Lynn D, you're right, it is good to vent. I notice it help you, and I have to say after I wrote this blog and pressed the send button to Carol I felt a little better. Thanks for your shoulder to lean on!
Carol thanks for posting my blog. The word did flow and it didn't take me very long to type them or copy and paste them in an email to you. Once I sent them I knew I'd be able to sleep that night. :)
DeeDee you do understand and I'm sorry for the heartache that cancer has caused you. Could I help my mother die if she asked? I think I could. I'll just leave it at that.
Goldie thank you for understanding and for your support.
Tina my mum may be holding on because of my sister. I never thought of that before. The last part of your post made me laugh. Thanks! "A North American law" LOL!!
Mary I'm sorry for your loss to this ugly disease. I'm glad you're home safe and sound. I hope you have some money for Dianne!
Dianne thank you for your friendship. I'm sorry you lost your friend and parents to this disease.
Bebbi you are so sweet! Meeting all you guys in Chicago would scare the crap out of me! You are all like big movie stars in my mind. You lead such interesting lives and you Bebbi are like a classy, sexy health nut who works out all the time! Thanks!
SacBarb I hope your taxes worked out to a hefty refund for you. Thanks for your comment.
Zona you are so right about the nest and the people in it. Thank you so much for your words.
Whabbear I'm sorry about your best friend from high school. You raised some very important points, giving us something to think about, as usual.
Lani I often think about you too. Thanks for your comments.You're right, a lot of emotions go through you. Some of them I don't like very much.
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))) to everyone for your friendship and support.
SHIRLEY...Your blog brought out so many emotions. I hope that you found some comfort in writing it. I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go thru all this. It sucks to the nth degree. And no, it's not fair that some people are let to linger in pain for so long. As my mom was on what turned out to be her death bed, I sat with her and held her hand. I said what were the hardest words to say. I told her that it is ok for her to let go, to stop fighting. I told her that it was ok for her to go and be with her loved ones that passed before her. I told her that my brother and I would be ok. That we would miss her every moment of everyday, but we loved her enough to let her go.
I hope peace comes to your mom. And as much as it will break your heart, you will take comfort in knowing there is no more suffering.
My heart goes out to you, Shirley, my friend. You will never be truly alone because we are all here for you...ALWAYS.
I have never lied to you, and I won't start now...I am going to say a prayer for you, your mom and your family. You can drench me with a super-soaker for it if ya want to, but I'm gonna do it anyways!! Neener, neener, neener ;)~
It's effing snowing here...Ggggrrrr
Maureen I'm sending a bunch of water balloons your way, so you might want to duck or put your umbrella up!
Thanks so much! ((((HUGS))))
Please don't send your snow over to the north east!
tiptoes in......uh....Shirley....i kinda called my mom.....but just to ask how dad's chemo appt went today ......and well....i uh....kinda mentioned you....and your mum....and well...guess what? :D ....and runs out like a bat outta hell.....
**loads the owlcopter with water balloons and chases Tina**
Good night everyone and thanks again for the friendship, love and support. (((HUGS)))
Well I have been feeling a bit blue today and have been thinking about Shirley and every thing that is wrong with world.
Then I pop in here and I have to say your posts have picked me up and helped me even smile and laugh and get teary eyed at the care and compassion we all seem to have.
Whabby I totally get where you are coming from. It is so hard to look at some of these things and not wonder WTF? For some reason what keeps running through my head today is "It is all so simple and really takes little effort to do what is humane and right."
PS Shirley I think Tina has sicked her Mom on you! LOL
You all never fail to make me smile through my tears too. Truly an inspirational blog, Shirley that made us all reflect on pain, love, loss, sadness and comic relief (of all things!).. :)
I did Zumba and man am I sore. My knees just don't move like they used to...haha...so 14,271 steps today. I figured out something. My hips aren't as "jiggly" so I am getting less steps on the elliptical...haha..a good thing and a bad thing.
Well, I have to run out soon but since Shirley mentioned Bebbi, I've got something to say about her...
I love that Bebbi keeps updated pics around. Since I have been coming here, she's morphed into a Hollywood beauty. I could see her on the cover of People, "How I Took My Body Back". Such an inspiration and always with a smile.
bonachichi~ i hate to break this to ya...but Bebbi~ she's very down! It's all a facade~ Don't let her fool ya~ ijs~ :D
YAY.. I am a movie star.. who would have ever thought that!
I wonder when my Vera Wang Oscar Gown will come in the mail..
LOL
So many great comment, sweet and helpful, sad tho, but that's ok, cause sweet and helpful beat sad any day!
Oh my I just thought of something, I am a celebrity, a serial killer and a crackwhore..
Who knew a blog could transform me into so may ppl..
Now only if we can get a Jennifer Aniston Transformation, all will be complete in my world..
:O)
Zona..
"I can be annoying that way"
Well than you can annoy me all you want.. lol :O)
Bonacci..
I agree about Bebbi.. she looks amazing, all her hard work is def paying off..
Mo..
Snow.. YUCK.. we are getting what you have today, tomorrow.. they just said
flurries tho, no big amounts..
It will all be over soon..
April is just a few days away..
Helloooo Helloooo Helloooo
LOL I just wanted to hear my echo!
oh....hi...~
so.. you heard me screaming?
all that screaming made me sleepy....
(Yawn)
Nite!
You guys are embarrassing me! I really appreciate your kind words. Especially you Bonachichi. I do feel like I took my body back! I just wish it would cooperate more sometimes. I had actually 17,229 steps today. I just uploaded and at some point early in the day I must have accidentally reset it. I love when I do that because then I sneak in a few more thousand steps that I didn't even realize I got...SHaBam~!
Carol, if you are still around, did you get my email?
Okay..I am off to get some sleep. .....I will wait a second if anyone wants to compliment me more. ..hehehe..
Tina is right, I can be a real "Debbie Downer"...I can't help myself...You know..all the endorphins from exercise just really make me a sad and unhappy woman. Okay..dancing off to bed with a skip and smile.. ;)
OMG, I would hate to have snow again...you poor souls. :( I was running around tonight without my coat. IT felt so good to be able to do that.
Okay..off to bed..night all. skip, hop, dance and smile! Tomorrow is a NEW DAY...
We still have lots of snow on the grass and now they are saying 2-4tomorrow night..yuck. It looks like it is coming from TINA and we will pass it on to MARY AND MO...YOU are so welcome.
SHIRLEY: I am watching the sports and they are showing a soccer game somewhere and they had to bring out super soakers to calm the teams down from fighting each other....I wondered if you were anywhere around that game?
Well, this blog brings out some questions and maybe another blog in my mind...hhmmmm.
I went to my friends house for lunch today as they just started working out of their home. It was so nice...she had her dining room table set with linen tablecloth and napkins and had baked chicken, baked potato, vegtables, rolls...it was so thoughtful and nice. There were four of us for lunch but three of them live there.
Hope you are having fun J/L and behaving. How are things going back at your house?
Have a fun weekend TINA as I do believe your weekend starts tomorrow.
DEEDEE: You are so sweet....don't you hate when I tell you that....?
Sweet dreams to all the Nest beauties... You're all 10's, every one of you!
SHIRLEY - Cancer sucks. PERIOD!!! Sending you (((hugs))) from Wisconsin. And praying for peace for your Mum. It was just a few short weeks ago that I prayed that God would take my Grandma home. When the quality of your life is reduced to taking enough morphine to keep you comfortable.....well that is not a life. Enough is enough!!!
Sorry for the late post. Jake had his musical last night and by the time we got home I just fell into bed!! He was so stinkin' cute!! The musical was Beauty and the Beast. He played the role of Bruno....the big strappin' guy that is vying for Beauty's attentions. He even had a group of 6 "girls" following him everywhere!! And whenever he left the stage, he would snap his fingers and point and they would follow him!!
I hope everyone has a great Friday!!!
P.S. DIANNE - I'll have to work on that!!! ;)
FIRST!!!~
Bonachichi~ ya know....i've watched movies on the internet when they were still in the theater....YIKES! but i've NEVER posted a youtube video anywhere! :)~ (I'm going to be gone all day)
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