some laughter, it is from
nowmercy
as lovey always says
"laughter is good for the soul"
Laughter
by now mercy
Humor, laughter, jokes, funny stuff. All of this is so good for our well being. It is now well documented that laughing gives the body a boost of cells that kill cancer and create a stronger immune response. Laughter, from a medical anthropological view, is a signal to others that “it is safe” or “ the coast is clear”. It stops the flight or fight chemical cascade in the body and nervous system. I love to laugh. I love to make others laugh. I love the look in people’s faces when they are about to crack up big time. I love to chuckle out loud when I’m by myself. I love jokes that take a sudden turn in another direction and are surprisingly funny.
How about you all? What are your favorite jokes? What makes you laugh hardest? Do you like physical humor? Who are your favorite comedians? Funny movies? Lets get each other's laughing and provide some new joke material for each other.
Here is a joke to get us started, given the topic a few days ago, please share any and all jokes.. well, you know.
Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?""I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
350 comments:
1 – 200 of 350 Newer› Newest»Could it be....am I first?
First...on a Monday morning...woo hoo...a great way to start the week!!!! Going back to read the blog now!
And Me second Congrats VIG!!!
And congrats to you IBB. Happy Monday...great news that you are feeling better! Continued good health to you!!!
Nowmercy...awesome blog. Nothing better than a really good laugh or a really good cry...it is amazing how closely they are related. I just went on the net looking for a joke and couldn't find anything that I thought was very funny. So now you have me thinking about what DO I consider funny to be! I do know funny and subsequent laughter has come around at the most inappropriate times....in church...in the middle of a meeting... a funeral even!! Okay, I am off to ponder laughter and what is funny!
Have a great Alexander Graham Bell's birthday day!!
Good morning!
Congrats to VIG! Is this your first first?
HI IBB!
Will be back with comments...
Good morning EBJ! thanks...I think it's my second first....but no firsts for a very long time! Have a marvelous Monday!
Morning owls!
Now Mercy...what a fun topic for a Monday morning...Loved the joke!
Great topic Nowmercy!
Good morning Vig, IBB, East bay J and Scirish.
Ellen always makes me laugh. She can make the most boring thing funny. I love that kind of humor. Bill Cosby is good at make everyday stuff funny. Watching the Carol Burnett Show and Mama's Family made me laught too cause they would always crack up themselves.
I'm not too good with jokes. My friend has two kids (12 & 7) and we like to tell knock knock jokes. My favorite it
knock knock
whose there
cargo
cargo who
car go beep beep
That's all I got for now people. Look forward to seeing what comedians come out of the woodwork today.
OMG! So funny! I will have to post later again today!
Congrats on 1st vig!
Oh, Nowmercy, you made me laugh with that joke!
I have to have my Mary Tyler Moore show to pick me up. I have watched every episode and that show makes me laugh all the time.
Good Morning VIG - Congratulations on being first. You are up early.
Good Morning ibebold, East Bay J, Scirish and Shirley, Barbara and Iteach, another early teacher.
I will read the blog about laughter now. I'll be back.
good morniing feathered friends!
VIG, congrats on 1st!
I like little stupid jokes. My two favorites are:
Q. Why was the snowman so happy?
A. He saw the snowblower coming!!
Q. Who is the smartest pig ever?
A. Einswine!!
It takes little to make me laugh!!
I also like the old comedy movies like Hot Shots, Airplane, Naked Gun...I can watch them over and over and laugh everytime.
Tim Conway and Harvey Korman were the best. I would laugh until I cried from them.
Hi to all that roosted before this post.
Nowmercy - Thanks for the post and a good laugh to start my morning. I am going to need that this week. I am not good at telling jokes but I love having them told to me. I love the old comedy shows. I don't know how many times I have watched the whole series of 'I Love Lucy'. For years it was on TV every day with each episode in sequence. Eventually I taped them all. There were 50 episodes a year for quite a few years so I guess it would be expensive to get them all on DVD now. I also loved Mary Tyler Moore, Carol Burnett, Bob Newhart and Cosby.
Those were the good old days of TV.
Here's a riddle in keeping with the totd
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round!
SCIRISH, Ummm...if you are CPGEM8 you would runover the pig and make a crapload of bacon.
SCIRISH, merry-go-round? HILARIOUS!
Congrats on #1 VIG.
Ibebold,Maureen, East Bay J, Tinkatia, Skirish & Barbara hi.
Shirley thanks for the Myspace request.
I love comedians. I watch the comedy channel a lot.I also watch every comedy movie out there.
Right now I'm getting nonstop political jokes from my cousin Larry. He's on a roll!
I have to post and run. I'm going to the shooting range this afternoon with a friend of mine on the force.
Maybe Joey will come in and post. He always has the most hilarious things to say even if it's just a shower curtain picture.Port holes. LOL. He can crack me up!
KNOCK KNOCK
WHO'S THERE?
ORANGE
ORANGE WHO?
ORANGE YA GLAD I BROUGHT BREAKFAST? hehehehehe
BREAKFAST
Grapefruit
Bacon - regular, merry-go-round, and turkey
Scrambled Eggs
Home Fries
Juice - cranberry, orange & apple
Coffees
Teas
Cocoas
Berries and yogurt
Pop-tarts
Get the bacon while it lasts...there is a bacon whore amongst us!!!
bacon? yummm...I'm hungry!
ohhh breakfast!
Thanks Mo...I'll have merry-go-round bacon and scrambled eggs pls..oh and some home fries
VIG: Congrats on number one and two!! I agree.. a good endorphan rush is great.. and the giggles over things in church or court etc... woo hoo
So glad we are gonna laugh hard today!!!
SCIRISH: what a hoot.. I really laughed hard at that one.
mo...snowblower??? lol
25 !!!
:-)
Good Morning, everyone!!
Happy Monday!!
VIG, congrats on FIRST!!
Nowmercy - great blog!!
You all bring a smile to my face and make me laugh...
I hope everyone has an excellent day!!! :-)
Maureen..thanks for such a funny start to breakfast.
FOR MEK:
Bill and Toni are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and the following conversation takes place:
Bill: I love you so much, did you ever sleep with anyone else during our marraige.
Toni: Oh Bill, come on.
Bill: I really want to know, I will still love you.
Toni: Well, three times.
Bill: REALLY? WHO? WHEN?
Toni: Well remember when you started the business and no one would loan you the money but suddenly the bank president himself delivered the loan papers and the money?
Bill: Oh, you did that for ME, oh thank you sweetheart, I still love you, buuut, who else?
Toni: Remember when you had that heart problem and no doctor would even touch you but Dr. Baker came and did the surgery and saved your life?
Bill: Oh, I can't believe you did that for me, I have so much respect for you, and then who?
Toni: Well, remember when you wanted to be the president of the Golf Course Association?
Bill: Uh huh
Toni: And you were 17 votes short?
hhhaaaahhaaaa
Laughter is a very cathartic action. 9 years ago, my best friends 5 year old son was shot and was in critical condition. We were so scared for him. We were sitting in the waiting room all night, thru the night. All of a sudden the next morning we both, at the same time, started singing like Barry White. The other families in the waiting area looked at us like we were out of our minds. And we were! We started to laugh, and laugh and laugh. It finally enabled us to put things into perspective and have a more positive outlook and know that he would survive. It allowed us to go into his room and talk to him and encourage him and fight with him.
We still laugh about it to this day. And yes, he survived. 2 months in the hospital and 6 more to recouperate at home...but he is now 14.5 years old.
Three people show up and the pearly gates. The first tells St Peter she was just a teacher who retired and went on to set up special schools in poor neighborhoods for tutoring. St Peter said, PLEASE COME IN AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE The second person tells St Peter he was just an eye doctor who discovered cures for child hood blindness, St Peter said PLEASE, COME IN AND MAKE YOURSELF COMFORTABLE. The third man told St Peter he was an HMO manager and made sure people got the health care their policies provided and the doctors got the money they deserved. St Peter said, PLEASE COME IN AND MAKE YOUR SELF COMFORTABLE, BUT AFTER THREE DAYS YOU WILL HAVE TO GO TO HELL.
NOWMERCY...17 votes short!!!!! LOL
SIRISH... :O !!!!
ITEACH...saw your banner. {{{hugs}}}
FAVORITE SHOWS:
Dick VanDyke
Red Skelton
Carol Burnett
Who Love Raymond
Bird Cage
Jumpin Jack Flash
As Time Goes By (bbc)
and more..
Anybody know if BONO is okay?
Shirley - Thanks for the 'knock knock' joke. Those were my kids' favourites. I used to laugh so hard over their telling them. Sometimes they wouldn't even make sense but everyone would laugh so hard.
Good Morning Maureen - Thanks for your jokes too. Those are the kind my little grade ones would get up in Show and Tell and get a good laugh from the class. Sometimes there was a double meaning but the little ones didn't get that, they laughed at the obvious humour.
Whabbear - Please check in and tell us how Huz is today. I bet he feels worse than when it happened.
Off to check messages.
I just noticed my previous post which was written more than a half hour ago was still sitting in the preview box. I will go back now and see who I need to say Good Morning to.
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot.
At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful Bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked 'How much for that faucet?
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.'
'My goodness that sure is a lot of money!' Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
.. . This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot.
Good Morning Dreama and Mek. You posted while I was reading messages.
Thanks Maureen for breakfast. I am going to have it right now. Be back later.
Hysterical Link..pee first
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=24330952
Lynn D... bwaaahhaaah thanks...
Hey there Tink...hope you are tickled Pink today.. heeheeeheee
Howdy Owls!!
Great blog Nowmercy!!
LOL ty for the laugh.
I've always been a laugher.
When I laugh, my whole body laughs.
I'm addicted to "Redneck Comedy".
Jeff,Bill,Larry and Ron have me in stitches and tears daily.
I love Cosby,RAYMOND is my all time favorite.Reba was hilarious when she had her show.I'd need depends to watch Barbara Jean on Reba.
I love all comedy..dark,slap stick, stand up,british,pretty much everything.
Gotta pull a Zona here:: pg2 will have my joke of the day.
Good Afternoon Hooters!!!
I'm loving all these jokes!
Thanks for the laughs.
I can't think of any right now, but if I do, I'll be back to share!
Whabbear, Hope Huz is feeling better.
iteach, (((((HUGS)))))
TTYL!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~gigglin"
A guy was on an airplane flight.
He needed to go to the washroom.So off he goes to the lav..they were all occupied...the attendant suggested he use the ladies room, with an advisory, NOT TO PUSH ANY BUTTONS ON THE WALL.
As he is taking his dump,he notice 4 buttons on the wall.
They were labelled WW.WA.PP.ATR.
He was just finishing up when his curiosity got the better of him.
He pushed WW, and a spray of warm water came up and washed his butt cheeks.
Wow, he thought, and pushed WA. A spray of warm air dried his butt.
Well, he thought, this is great, and pushed PP.. and lo n behold a powder puff came up and powdered his butt.
Holy shit he says these women have it made, and he pushed..ATR...and blacked out.
The next day he woke in the hospital.He rang for the nurse, and asked, what happened.
The nurse replied;
"You pushed "automatic tampon remover" your pecker is under your pillow".
Hehehe.
Good Morning all!
Iteach: Read where you got the new hooter holsters! Way to go!
Kgirl: I hope the rest of your trip is safe!!! Becareful trying to do over 700 miles in one day!
I love almost all humor. My favs lately are British comedy and Dark humor.
Watched a movie yesterday called Death at a Funeral and LMAO had both elements British and funeral humor!
Great topic NowM!
Congrats to Vig 1st Wahoo!
Lovey..ohh, ewww, that is one of those jokes that I only chuckle about and then start of guffaw and then go into a full out laugh..
Wow..
LYNN I LOVE BBC comedies...triple love them.. Keeping Up Appearances, As Time Goes By, the one with the woman cleric...oh I could go on..
I also LOVE improv
This is for Lovey!
Yes, the new one is out! The brand new edition of You know you're a redneck when...
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back
and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized ,
because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls
and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood
and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because your were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
LMAO~~ Hyacinth..but Daisy and Oswald cracked me up all the time..
NowM: The Vicar of Dibley, Black Adder, Mr. Bean, Ab Fab oh so many more. I am buying some of them on DVD later this month just to have for rainy weekends!
LynnD ROFLMFAOOOOOOOO
Thank you!!!!!!!!!!
LYNN, OMG!!! ROFLMFAO!! I thought I was gonna pee!!
I also loved watching Whose Line is it Anyhow. I still crack up over the repeats!!
LOVEY, too funny! ATR!!!!!!
Good morning TINKA!
BIRDEE, here's a joke for you...
What sounds like Niagra Falls over the phone????? bwahahahahaha
Girls Night Out.. a p joke.
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.
They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away.
Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
Hehehe
OMG Lovey LOL
Hiya Mo!!
I think I should be concerned! I may be a redneck!
Numbers 2,9,16,23 and 26 may apply to me! LOL
Hey, thanks for all the first congrats!
Knock knock jokes....have always loved them....can still remember the one that used to "knock" my socks off when I was a kid:
Knock, knock?
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the tub...I'm dwowning?
And does anyone else find Craig Ferguson (The Late, Late Show) funny? He makes me snort milk out of my nose...he is hilarious!!!!
Hope you are all having a funny Monday!
LOVEY, LYNN, MO...
MY SIDES ARE BEGINNING TO HURT..
LMAOOOO this is a blast!
LYNN I'm a redneck in training... I try hard each day to meet that list.
VIG~I'm sorry, I got over excited when I saw the TOTD.Congrats on #1 WTG.
Harvey & Tim on Carol Burnett show, oh my stars, the novacaine skit,to this day has me in stitches just thinking about it.
VIG, I think Craig is the funniest man on late night. He should replace Leno when he retires. and, I think he is hottttttttt, too!
VIG: Love the knock knock. I can't stay up long enough to watch Craig but the thought of you snorting milk out your nose late at night
THAT makes me laugh... lol.
I Love Jon Stewart's show... I watch it on line.
Vig I love Craig too!!! Conan leaves me cold!
I would so do Craig Ferguson!LOL
My two jokes I remember that my son told me when he was in grade school. I think I remember them because he laughed so hard when he told them to Mr. Lynn D and me.
What is the last thing a bug sees when he hits a windshield???
His Butt!
Where do Bees go to the bathroom???
A BP station!
Mo I love who's line, I get such a kick when they can't handle it themselves and crack up laughing.
LynnD #9 brings back memories of my Dad on Saturdays when he would take the trash to the dump. We probably only had 3 bags of trash but he had a little station wagon and when he came back it was usually full. We said he had everything in there but the kitchen sink and then one day he brought a kitchen sink home!
You guys are making it difficult to get my income taxes finished cause I keep stopping in here and then I have to copy some and send them to my friends and sister. Keep them coming!
LOVEY, do you remember a skit on Whose Line when either Ryan or Wayne fell into the desk and it started falling apart on their head? OMG, I needed extra absorbant NASA diapers on that one!
BEE PEE!!! LYNN, you're killing me!
I forgot I like some of the British comedy on Saturday night too. Mrs. Bucket cracks me up. Was Faulty Towers the one about the hotel? That was very funny too. I had also forgotten about
I Love Lucy
Dick Van Dyke
Mary Tyler Moore
The Honeymooners
Mad About You
Reba
This is a fun day. Thanks Nowmercy!
What are the last words that a redneck usually says before he dies?
"Hey ya'll. Watch this!"
Maureen...I totally agree...Craig Ferguson is sizzling hot...and should absolutely replace Leno (or Letterman) when they retire!
Lynn_D...step in line for the doing of Craig Ferguson!
Nowmercy...glad the image of me snorting milk made you laugh. I won't tell you what happens when I watch Mr.Bean!!!
Mo I about died when I saw WLine, with Richard Simmons.
I watched that at least 10x's that day.
I can't remember the desk one tho.
Shirley, oh my stars, REBA.
I loved that show, I was so upset when it went off air. I watch the reruns on late night.
You might be a redneck if:
Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off of it.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."
The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies,
"Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor.
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one; I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN ."Getting a little action" means you don't need to take any fiber today
"OLD" IS WHEN ... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN ... An "all nighter" means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
"OLD" IS WHEN ... You are not sure these are jokes.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
VIG.. thanks, I appreciated it since I am trying to finish my bookkeeping chores.
You all are giving me silly fits..loving it.
What do you get when you cross a television newscaster with a gorilla?
Hairy Reasoner
ROFLMAO LYNN
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
FOR K GIRL
A senior citizen is driving down I-70 when his wife calls on the cell phone. He answers but tells her traffic is hell so make it quick. She yells "Herman the news says a car is going the wrong way on I-70 so be on the look out" Herman answers.. "Hell honey, it isn't just one car, its HUNDREDS"
OMG, stop it!!! you guys are killing me!! in a good way ;)
There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.
Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.
"You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.
After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.
While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.
Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.
"You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
LMAO I'm PMSL HERE
WHABBY....
SEND NASA DIAPERS...
FAST!
Good Afternoon Owls!
Ronniegirl and Cpgem: Thank You!
Nowmercy: Thanks for the fun topic! I enjoy clever humor with a sarcastic flair. I don't enjoy crude jokes or "Dumb and Dumber" type humor. Alan on Boston Legal cracks me up with his clever touché's. Chandler on Friends was another favorite of mine.
VIG: Congrats on first! Hope you're feeling better.
Shirley: Ellen always makes me laugh too. She's such a funny lady! One of my favorite moments on her show was when she called that lady, Gladys, in Texas who had complained about the plant behind Ellen's head. I was rolling on the floor laughing when she told Ellen, "I love Jesus, but I drink a little." It was so unexpected and a little TMI. LOL! I also love Bill Cosby and have tremendous respect for his views on education and family.
Waving Hi to everyone!
Have a good day!
Ohhhhhh I forgot, I loved Dumb n Dumber, them on the minibike, stuck together with frozen pee, n snot icicles hangin from his nose.ROFLMAO....revenge, exlax over dose...hahaha
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not."
ok, 1 more..
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Hey Owlettes!!! Great blog today - nothing like a little something to tickle the funny bone!!! :D
What's the difference between dark and hard?
It stays dark all night!!!
I'll have to put my thinking cap on for more.
Some of my favorite shows are Will & Grace, Everybody Loves Raymond, Whose Line and SNL.
For pure comic genius.....it doesn't get any better than Robin Williams......his appearance on The Actor's Studio is a perfect example!!!
Lovey - I loved Reba's show also and was really upset when it was cancelled - the son-in-law had a classic line one episode and Mr. MEK and I use it all the time..
Van said " And I have one word for you, LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!"
Then Reba is standing in the background counting three words on her fingers.
Amicus I love some wonderful witty sarcasm also!!! Love Boston Legal!
Here's a joke for ya'll!
There was a farmer who had three daughters and they all had dates on the same night. The daugthers were upstairs getting ready, so the farmer sat down in his rocking chair..
There was a knock on door, the farmer answered the door - the young man said:
Hi, My name is Eddie
I'm here for Betty,
we are going for spagetti,
is she ready??
SO, Betty came down the stairs and left to have a nice spagetti dinner with Eddie..
Farmer sat back down...
There was a second knock on the door, the farmer answered the door and a young man said:
Hi, my name is Joe.
I'm here for Flo.
We're going to the show.
Is she ready to go?
So, Flo came bouncing down the stairs and her and Joe went and enjoyed a show...
The farmer sat back down and was rocking in his rocking chair..
Then there was a third knock on the door.......
Farmer answered the door and a young man said...
Hi, My name is Chuck.....
The Farmer Shot him!!!!
Here is one for the girls,
A 64-year-old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't recognize you."
Now - here's a really funny story about my joke -
One night several years ago - I had had MANY adult beverages and was in the middle of my joke and "forgot the third daughters name" - well, there wasn't a third daughter's name and I ruined my OWN punch line!!!!
HA HA
and I also just realized that I spelled daughter wrong in my first posting!! (wanted to clarify that before Joey, the missing spell check guy, showed up!!!
I have enjoyed everyone's jokes today!! Now, I'm off to eat some lunch..
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
Is MEK really eating lunch??
Or is she hiding in the vapors waiting for the march???
Hiding I think
93
94
95
96
96
97
98
99
100
100
100000
LOL - I knew that was going to be to close... lol
scirish won you hiding lurky you!!!
MEK I see you tried to sneak in to you sneaky sneaker!!!!
Miss counted once! Red Neck edumacation took over!
Congrats, Lynn..
too funny - I checked email and thought I would check the nest ONE more time before I got up off the couch.. and there was 99 and 100 just hanging there..
CONGRATS!!! :-)
scirish: LMAO!!! Electrified!
opps - looks Scirish won...
SO, it wasn't ME sneaking in there.
Congrats, Scirish
i won??? wooot!
lovey~lmao Bob has been missing since friday!
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry!"
ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOO SCIRISH--MEK--LYNN D
Omfg, I'm gonna die laughing...hahaha...
BBL, looking forward to reading more funnies..:o)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.
The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
The next Sunday, he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
Sip the vodka; don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10.
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not "bet his ass."
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
We don't refer to the cross as the "Big T."
When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry."
The recommended grace before a meal is not "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God."
There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
SCIRISH....OMFG!!! You are literally killing me!!!! I'm not Catholic, but I want your young priest doing my funeral!!!!
NOWMERCY, thank you a million thanks for today's topic.
And CAROL, thanks for posting it!
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time...it feels good!!
OMFG! You guys are cracking me up today! These jokes are hilarious! I am usually the first one to reply to a joke with one of my own, but I am completely brain dead today and can not think of a joke! I may have to cheat and search for a good joke online!
The one thing that cracks me up every time I see it is the Chris Farley skit when he and Patrick Swayze are auditioning for Chippendales. Seriously makes me cry every time! One of my other fav SNL skits now is the one with Hugh Laurie doing Most Haunted and he farts and they think it is a ghost! God I love that one too! I still have that skit saved on my dvr!
Thanks for the laughs today guys. I really needed it.
Here is one I had saved in emails from Sarah.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'. After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back
another one from Sarah.
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance -
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the
light.
Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this
antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch . . . "
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist 's
fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center.
More from Miss Sarah!
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
> > She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
> > Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
> > Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
> > Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
> > And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
> >
> > Keep reading-they get better!!!
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > WOMEN'S REVENGE
> > "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
> > to purchase.
> > As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
> > television set in her purse.
> > "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
> > "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
> > and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
> > (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> > I know I'm not going to understand women.
> > I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
> > pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
> > and still be afraid of a spider.
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > MARRIAGE SEMINAR
> > While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
> > Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
> > "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and
> > dislikes."
> > He addressed the man,
> > "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
> > Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
> > Pillsbury, isn't it?
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
> > A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
> > The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
> > He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
> > She directs him down the correct aisle.
> > A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball
> > of string on the counter.
> > She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons
> > for your wife?
> > He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
> > store
> > to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of
> > tobacco
> > and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
> > So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
> > (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > WIFE VS HUSBAND
> > A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a
> > word..
> > An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
> > neither of them wanted to concede their position.
> > As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
> > the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
> > "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > WORDS
> > A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
> > day...
> > 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
> > The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
> > everything to men...
> > The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > CREATION
> > A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
> > so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
> > "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
> > God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
> > God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > WHO DOES WHAT
> > A man and his wife were having an argument about who
> > should brew the coffee each morning.
> > The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
> > and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
> > The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
> > you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
> > coffee."
> > Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
> > that the man should do the coffee."
> > Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
> > So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at
> > the top of several pages, that it indeed says . "HEBREWS"
> >
> > ________________________________
> >
> >
> > The Silent Treatment
> > A man and his wife were having some problems at home
> > and were giving each other the silent treatment.
> > Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
> > wake him
> > at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
> > Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
> > a piece of paper,
> > "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
> > The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
> > he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his
> > wife hadn't wakened him,
> > when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
> > The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
> > Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
120!!!
I've eaten lunch now!!
Barb in WA - SHIT - that was TOO funny!!!
Maureen: I totally agree with you about Craig Ferguson. Conan O'Brien rarely makes me laugh.
Lynn: The Boston Legal writers are brilliant at witty sarcasm! :) I tend to have a sarcastic sense of humor too, which is why I'm cautious about joking around in forums like this. It's too easily misunderstood without the body language and tone of voice.
BTW, speaking of Bill Cosby, his stand-up comedy film, Bill Cosby: Himself, is one of my favorites. It's been around a long time, but it's still hilarious!
BARB/WA - Hard to believe that Chris Farley has been gone 10 years. He was from Madison, WI (about 7 miles from me) and graduated high school with my cousin. Some of my favorite SNL skits involve Will Farrell......"The Perfect Cheer" w/ Cheri Oteri, Will Farrell as "Alex Trebec" especially with Darrell Hammond as "Sean Connery" playing Jeopardy, Molly Shannon doing "Sally O'Malley" - I'm 50!!!, oh I could go on and on!!!
Afternoon to everyone! What makes me laugh? Oh geez, it could be anything. I think it has to do with the mood I'm in and how someone says something to me. Last night I got an innocent email that said "Mr. Z is your ace in the hole.." and I almost fell off of my chair.
I love that when I am feeling down, my friends run to my rescue with jokes. I am not a good joke teller though. I'm one of those people that fumbles in the middle of a joke, forgets things and has to go back and retell parts or the whole thing won't make sense. Often times I get the "crossing arms" gesture as I drag the telling on and on. Just not good at it.
The only thing I could come up with today, I actually hesitated posting. It was my mom's favorite joke and she told it over and over. I'm afraid it will lose a lot in translation. But she'll love that I post it.
A little old lady all dressed in black walks into a church. She kneels down and with her rosary in hand, and begins to pray. From up in the loft a five year old boy watches her. He loudly says, "I am Jesus". The old lady looks around, startled..but then bows her head and continues to pray. Once again the little boy calls out "I am Jesus!" and again the woman looks around. Then she bows her head and resumes her prayers. Frustrated now, the little boy yells out as loud as he can "Woman..I am Jesus!". The old lady looks up at the ceiling and shakes her fist, "You be quiet right now, I'm talkin' to your Mama!!"
Hope that doesn't offend anyone. My mom used the best accent when she told it..and it makes me smile just to read it again. Ok hitting post now...
ZONA - You did your Mama proud. Cute joke, too!!! You make me smile everyday - THANK YOU for that!!!
SCIRISH - Luv the priest story!!! It's one of my favs!!! :D
JODI: Thanks..I was getting ready to go under the bed..but now I won't! ;)
Off to read all the REALLY funny jokes. With everyone here having such a great sense of humor, I should be laughing all afternoon.
Oh, "my cheeky little monkeys"....You've all got me on the floor LMBO! I've been away for almost two days, so I'm splitting my sides reading through all of these in one sitting, so I won't repeat any that have been posted. From the opening quote, guess you can tell I love hottie Craig Ferguson. IMHO, he's the only funny guy on late night. Just his facial expressions and a raised eyebrow can put me on the floor :o)
Humor is so subjective, but, my favorites are:
*Tim Conway & Carol Burnett (they're in my MySpace 'People I'd Like to Meet'-----I think the Dentist/Novacaine skit is THE funniest ever, and it's hard to beat Carol's Scarlett O'Hara-----unless it's Lucy's Vegieveetavitamin commercial)
*The 'Who's Line Is It Anyway?' cast (always laugh 'til I cry, cough, hiccup)
*The Capitol Steps ("We put the mock in Democracy") If you can still breathe at the end of today's jokes and want more laughs, just check their website)
*Dave Barry columns and Gary Trudeau (Doonesbury) cartoons.
Off to catch up on MySpace....bbl with a funny or two. Thanks for the ab workout!
Trying to catch up..but the pace is kinda quick for this night owl!
NOWMERCY: Great blog today, thank you!
VIG: Congrats on #1 and 2!! And thank you for always making me smile!
IBB: It's about time you caught a break and are felling better! :)
SCIRISH: Love the merry-go-round!
SHIRLEY: You and I seem to have the same problem telling jokes. I can't even tell knock-knock jokes though.
ITEACH: I think my fave character on MTM is SueAnn...she always cracks me up!
TINKA: You have sent me some of the funniest cartoons EVER..
MO: Tim Conway & Harvey Korman are the BEST! Mr. Z loves the movies you listed..especially "Hot Shots"..he also likes "Top Secret".
MEK: Your #25 made me smile!
LYNND: "Absolutely Fabulous" is one of my favorite shows!! Go Patsy!
LOVEY: ATR?? HeHeHe!
Still reading. Does anyone like the Jerry Lewis movie "The Bellboy"? I love it.
ZonaBaby - I am in the middle of my computer lesson but the Geek just the room for a moment so I had to read your post. I loved your mom's joke. I bet she is laughing too.
Ghost Whisperer 2 is still waiting to be delivered. Canada does not always have the fastest mail system. Maybe it's because we still use horse and buggies.
Will write later. He's baaack!!!!
OMG you guys...I am loving all these jokes! LOVEY--you're killin' me! And BARB/WA!! Thank God I didn't take a water pill today!
Sean Connery : I'll take "The Rapist for 200"
Alex Trebec : That's "Therapist"
Hi everyone!
I have been cracking up, reading all the jokes.
Barb in Wa, I agree with you about the Chippendales on SNL, with Chris Farley and Patrick Swayzee. That is just hysterical!
My dad is one of the funniest people I know, he is always cracking me up.
I was trying to think of a joke to post, but drawing a blank right now! Geez.
Anyway, thanx for all the laughs today!
Offensive jokes I've made up:
1. Which of his hits did John Denver write after his female pilot landed at the wrong airport?
Take me home, cunt. Try roads.
2. Our unabashed dictionary defines oral sex with a prostitute as paying lip service.
Sorry, everybody... the list is meager!
I have absolutely LOVED LOVED LOVED today's blog!!
Thank U so much Nowmercy!
Thank U so much Carol!!
Thank you to all that gave me a day of laughter.
Hubby and I have been chatting away like birds on a wire,about all our favorite funnies.
Some I forgot earlier:
Jerry n Dean
Cheech n Chong
Lucy n Ethel
Ralph n Ed
Drew and his boys..omg, the Drew Carey Show,Mimi and Nigel brought me to tears laughing..
This has been a fanfuckintastic blog!!
**shaking head**
Whab Whab Whab Whab Whab!!!!
How is huzbear whab??
SNL...oh the days of Chevy Chase, John Belushi,Dan Aykroyd,Steve Martin and the ladies, Gilda,Jane, later SNL, John Candy was another fav..
Chris Farley n Swayze is by far the funniest... that lil animation is all over the net...
>> An old retired boater heads down to the harbor one last time just for old
>> times sake. While there he stops in the Yacht Club for a beverage.
>>
>> He soon meets a beautiful prostitute and takes her back to the showers
>> for a little action.
>>
>> He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
>> some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?"
>>
>> The prostitute replies, "Well old timer, you're doing about three knots."
>>
>> "Three knots?" he asks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
>>
>> She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your
>> money back."
At Saint Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, 'Well, I've a-tried to
treat-a her nice, spend the money on her, but best of all is that I took-a her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!'
The Priest responded, 'Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary.'
Luigi proudly replied , 'I'm a-gonna go and get her.'
Subject: Why Women are Crabby
How about it women. We roar because we can!
Why Women Are Crabby..
We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to
find that
anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so
bad it
brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training
bra
contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on
our
backs.
Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner).
Along with
those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone
crankies, had to
wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed
cotton rods in
places we didn't even know we had.
Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having
sex for the
first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your
uterus
through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his
little
cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was
about.
Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry
crackers
and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning
over
Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we
learned
to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our
innards
night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rose mary
's Baby.
Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole
and we
pee' d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived,
the dam in
our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the
mall and
we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the
way to the
ER.
Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OBsays,
"Please stop
screaming, Mr s. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good
push
(more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch
the %*#!*
(and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling,
mushroom-headed
10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole.
After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that
when all
that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into
walking,
jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.
Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more?
When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual
prime in
our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th
birthday.
So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the
Grandmother of
all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now
seasoned
"buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in
July, wash
your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that
moves.
Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when
men get off
so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the
woods
without soaking their socks...
So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great
Gandhi a
tad crabby. And... Women are the "weaker sex"???? Yeah right!!! Give
me a
break!!! Bite me!!
Finally. caught up at MySpace. Thanks, all, for the Comments and emails...missed you, too!
FIRST PRIZE
Life is so darned boring......
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring.
We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other one holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and , completely naked, streaked
(as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of
the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!!"
God* *was missing for six days.. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."
God smiled, "There is another Washington . Wait till you see the idiots I put there.
Great Jokes today...try this one:
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals :
King Kong, an ape, an orangutan and a monkey.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana
off the tree.
Who do you think will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality.
So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds. . .
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.
If your answer is:
Orangutan = you're dull and normal
Ape = you're a moron
Monkey = worse, you're an idiot
King Kong = you're hopelessly stupid
A Coconut tree doesn't have bananas
!
These jokes...Today I had a lot of errands to do and decided to stop and have a soup and sandwich at a small deli I have never been too. I was eating my lunch and reading the blog on my phone and there I was laughing out loud. I finally remembered that I wasn't home and looked around to see if anyone was staring at me and then went back to reading the blog. These jokes are so darn funny...all of them but I really laughed at all the Redneck ones LYNND and I rolled at the one from LOVEY about the cemetary..now that is really funny and I am going to gry and tremember it!! I stayed at lunch forever just reading!!
A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.
When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN:
D A M N I T O L~
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N~
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T~
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O~
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L~
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R~
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N~
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
B U Y A G R A~
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T~
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T~
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.
J A C K A S S P I R I N~
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
Barb-in-wa~ Howwwllll.... OMG I love them all!!!!
Ok everyone...we have all finally found our retirement job...It's the Owl's Nest Comedy Club!! We are all so funny it's no wonder we all mesh so well together. I think we oculd buy a motor home and hit the road and earn tons of money, have Mo and NowMERCY do our cooking..Even if we don't get many "gigs" think of the fun we will all have going place to place!! All Aboard....
This one's not a joke per se, but what's funnier than the ongoing battle of the sexes?
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
*What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
*You can easily be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for all your relatives on December 24 in 30 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
ROFLMFAOOOOOOOOO
Barb,Bon,Dianne, I'm in pain laughing...
Dianne,I'm hoppin on that ride..
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
Here's a mild grin we can file with the other Catholic-theme jokes:
So..........................,
Mother Theresa gets to Heaven and God feeds her canned soup and bread for dinner several nights in a row.
She can see that the folks down in Hell are eating steak, lasagna, scampi, etc. and finally decides to ask God : "I wonder why we eat this, and they get such luscious meals?"
"I love you, Father, and mean no disrespect, but"; to which God replies ......
"Oh, you know how it is ...................... why cook for just two?"
Babara et al: LOL! Huz is doing OK today... no sign of infection. He's actually in at work.
Again, sorry for those boners... gulp!... I meant, groaners...
OK, if its Monday, it must be... San Jose Airport again! This time, off to Phoenix... see you later, owls!
Here's a 21st Century version of Lucille Ball in the chocolate factory assembly line...
Tickle Me Elmo:
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.
After severa l minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached Lena .
"I'm sorry," he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles”…
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Whabby - safe flight!! :-)
Glad to hear that Huz is doing well...
Hey HOOTERS!!!
You all are cracking me up!
Zona, ya done yer momma proud!
Mo...Niagra Falls..... I'll get ya for that one Missy!! LOL
Can't wait to see what you all come up with later!
"two test tickles”…
awwwww Bon! Good one!
LMAO here!!!
Bon: That Elmo joke is one of my favorites! I LMAO everytime I read it!!
Hollywood Squares:
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: I f you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q.If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q.You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if y ou meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning .
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
Is Jeff Foxworthy in the house. LOL
The funniest and stupidest comedy songs are on Myspace. Look up Rodney Carrington.
Two monks are in the cellar and of the first monestary archiving old scrolls. They come upon the original of the directives to be a monk.
The first monk starts reading the directives.
He turns white, and falls to his knees.
The second monk looks at him and asks WHAT is the matter?
The first monk, still badly shaken, points at the directive and says, "It says CelebRate!!"
I'm just doing a quick drive by...I mean fly by. I put my 38 Special away now. For a gal who can't aim a hose worth crapola I did pretty good at the firing range today. I don't think I had my ear plugs in tight enough though. I still hear echos in both ears.
Glynis & Joey where are you guys. Those two can tell some really hilarious jokes.
The jokes are all hilarious owlettes! Hollywood Squares! Too funny!
Little Johnny Strikes Again
A teacher asked her class to make a sentence using the word 'fascinate'.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'
The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.
Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, 'My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'
The teacher sat down and cried.
Oh, LynnD....the nostalgia for the 'innocent' days of Hollywood Squares. You knew every question was designed to elicit a 'nasty you-can't say-that-on-TV!' response. Always cracked me up that my dear sweet gramma got the joke and would laugh 'til she cried. Now, THOSE were funny! What a bunch of characters they were........thanks for the memory.
LMAO Shirley, Lil Johnny is a redneck!!
ROFLMAO TARA.... now that's what I'd called "Lifes a bitch".
The joke is on me..
"TARA" is a different gmail account...woops
ok I can officially say, without a doubt... the Nest Comedy Club made me pee my pants laughing!
Lovey, Niagra will fall hheeee
I am getting better... but not 100% yet. I hate being sick!
What makes me laugh? This guy! Check out the video clips...
www.mazjobrani.com
Nowmercy - thanks - I was going to ask who in the heck is TARA!!!
Mystery solved..
:-)
Hey G - hope we haven't made you laugh until you get into one of those terrible coughing spells!!
I've just about depleted my 'Funny' file....one I was about to post, Joey just posted as a Bulletin (Why Women Go To the Bathroom in Pairs)...definitely worth the read. We've all been through that!
Has everyone read the (kinda long) saga about the guy that bought his wife a taser?
awwwwww G.....I didn't know you were sick. I hope you are feeling better soon!
Stay around today. They say laughter is the best medicine!
I am having a pretty good laugh checking out hotel rates!! LOL
Some of them - I don't think so - then you find a decent one and the reviews SUCK!!!!!!
what's a girl to do???
LMOA - only thing I can do!!!
MySpace Question
Sorry to interrupt the fun, but I need some help from anyone who has Tinkatia subscribed in your "Friend Updates" box. If you do, does that box on your page show that she added a new photo today? I'm trying to figure out if it's a problem with my page or hers, because I'm not getting update notifications when she adds new photos.
Thanks!
Amicus
also, I wanted Lynn D to know that I will NOT be around for the march to 200 - so she doesn't have to worry about me "sneaking in"...
Amicus,
mine just shows that she "updated her profile" but nothing about a new picture.
If that helps..
I loved to watch Hollywood Squares, Carol Burnett and the rest. Used to watch Red Skelton with my dad. Not sure who laughed harder.
This is making my night so much better. Hubby is trying to put up a ceiling fan. He keeps dropping the screws. You know how your spouse/partner can get on your nerves? Well, that is what is happening tonight. So he's bitching about dropping the screws, I go find them in the rug.
So, to help with his aggravation,
"I tell him to stop getting pissed off about it...cuz he's had a screw lose for sometime and it's gonna keep happening!!!!! bwahahahahaha!!
Amicus!! Hi! On my page it is only showing "updated profile" nothing about new picture's being added for Tinka!!
AMICUS~~Ditto what MEK said, re: Tink's photo. I was going to ask you (being a MySpace guru) the other day about Photos added. A while back I added kid photos of me and it showed up...On a later date, I added some PNW and pet photos and they didn't show in 'Photos Added'. Today, I tagged the Whab & Dianne photo and it did. All were added to "Friends Only" (not private) Albums. Is this a MySpace glitch?
MEK,
Thanks bunches! That helps a lot! My page is showing the same thing so now I know it's a problem on her page. I've checked all of her settings, and they're correct so I'm baffled. Guess I'll go do some more testing to see if I can figure out what I'm missing.
Thanks again!
PONDERISMS
*Do illiterate people really 'get' Alphabet Soup?
*Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
*Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
*In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
*How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
*Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
*If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
*If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
*Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
*If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
*Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Glynis..you and Vig are both under the weather today.. bummer
My daughter asked our chicken who they were supporting for president
They replied
Bah RAHK Bah RAHK
(she donated this a few days ago)
What's for dinner, this joking around makes me weak and hungry
Are we going to be subtle about this?
come out
come out
wherever you are
Birdee: Thanks to you too!
BonO: I'm not sure what's causing the problem. Tinka's new photos haven't been showing up for at least a month now so it doesn't seem to be a temporary glitch. I'll let you know if I figure out a solution. Thanks!
Boy are we tired here tonight...big storm front coming though..
uh oh
hahahahahahah
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